Family Quandries

Here is my quandry. My pregnant SIL, Kathy, is on my nerves, and I need some advice.

I am the kind of person who tries very hard to remember everyone's birthdays, anniversaries, and other major events. If I don't send a gift or card, I call or at least email. If there's an event, we always go, especially if the event is for children (the exception to this is when I was recently in the hospital, I missed my neice's 18th bday shindig). I feel that it's important to be there for people, and show them that I care. If someone is ill, or hurt, I want to know how they are. If there's a new baby, I go see it, giftie in hand for mom and baby. I like doing this. I like being part of a family, after not really growing up in one.

My problem is this: Kathy is not interested in any of this. We get no acknowledgement of events, birthdays, anniversaries, nothing, not even for the kids. I don't expect a gift, but a call or email would be nice. I can count on one hand the number of times she's shown up at a kid's birthday, and my BIL has never once gone. We hear from them so little, and see them so little, that Patrick actually forgets that they are out there; he told me awhile ago when we were talking about how who was related to who in our family that he has one aunt and uncle. When I reminded him that no, he has two, he was mystified. It's not like we live far from these people, either, since they are actually much closer physically to us than my other SIL, Jen, whom I adore and talk to / see often even though she's 90min away, and my MIL who lives near Jen. We would like to visit Kathy and her family, but when we mention that we'd like to stop over, we get told that they'll be doing yard work, or mucking out the pond, or something like that, and we can come over and help if we want. Jen did that, and ended up with raging poison ivy. There's no sitting and visiting - if you want to see them, you have to go and Do Something. Invitations for them to visit us, or other people, are generally declined. They do have friends, and they do hang out with said friends, however, at least on occasion.

So, now there's this pregnancy. And an expected baby shower, which is expected to be given by my SIL, MIL, and I. Initially, it was supposed to be by the end of September, because my IL's will be away in Oct, and Kathy didn't want to be bothered with it in November, because she's due in January and felt that she wouldn't want to deal with anything in her third trimester. Thankfully, that was changed to Nov 2, since there's no way anything like that could be pulled off in the four to six weeks we were initially given. She only wants to register at Walmart because she doesn't want to have to drive to the larger town twenty minutes away to return things. Oh, and it's going to need to be at the firehouse, so the wives of all the guys in the fire dept, plus family and friends can come. When my MIL told her that she needed to call Jen with a guest list, she replied that Jen would have to call her. When Jen did call, she didn't get a return call until today, two weeks later. But we need to get on that, mmm-kay? Never mind that she didn't help out with the shower for her sister's wedding or her baby shower; I did those on my own, and while I loved it, isn't that something a sister should want to do? But we need to get on hers.

On top of all this, I have heard not one word from her the entire time my whole gb situation was going on. Not when I was admitted to the hospital for three days, not before or after the surgery, nothing. That really hurt my feelings. DH went to the ER for a kidney stone. Nada.

So, now the babies will be coming, and I'm feeling like my MIL thinks we're going to go and help out after they're home. Ordinarily, I would be All Over That, because I love babies, but... I'm tired of feeling like I should keep giving and giving and getting nothing back. I honestly don't think they care much about anyone but themselves. I've been in this family for over ten years now, and it's always been this way. DH told me today that he would have stopped being in contact with them long ago if I hadn't been pushing it.

So, what do I do? Do I help out with this shower, buy gifts for said shower and births, help out with babysitting, etc after they're born while the kids are at school once a week or so? As a family, it's the right thing to do. It's what I would do for my friends. Or, do I admit that I'm tired of being one hand clapping, and give it a rest? Stay home? Maybe send a card? I doubt she'd notice. I'm really feeling done.