Dear Perfume Lady,

I wanted to write a quick note of thanks to you for permanently fusing my nasal hairs together with your amazing application of scent (if I may be so bold as to stretchingly call it that). Because of you, I will no longer have to do that annoying breathing-through-my-nose thing. This will save me lot of money in Kleenex, what with the upcoming cold and flu season and all.

However, I also wanted to let you know that since your nose must be cemented shut as well from all the olefactory design you have going on over there, that your perfume is slightly strong, as the birds falling from the sky when I went behind you to the parking lot seemed to indicate. Perhaps a gallon of your fabulous Jeanne Nate, or Anais Anais, or whatever it was, is a smidge too much?

In addition, I must confess, I find your choice of perfume-venue to be questionable. Is it really necessary to apply perfume for a trip to the grocery store? Really, at such a place, you only run into a few people, over and over again, rather than the many thousands at the world's fair that your sizeable application would suggest you were headed for? Just a thought. Are you trying to attract? Kill bugs? Send messages into space?

Perhaps it's not your fault. Perhaps, like me, you were assaulted by a fellow shopper's odiferousness, and your nose was irrevocably harmed. Perhaps you have such atrocious BO that you have given up washing and instead pour perfume over your head from a jug?

Anyway, I would like you to know that if we should ever run into each other again, do not be surprised if I don't speak. I will be holding my breath to avoid tasting your perfume for the next hour.

Sincerely,
Newly Nearly Noseless