Decision

I made a decision on what to do about my SIL, Kathy's, shower. I'm not helping with it in any meaningful way. I just don't feel it in my heart, she'll never notice, or be grateful or ungrateful, either way. My mother-in-law and other SIL, Jen, seem to have the whole thing under control, and since they live 90min from me (but only about 15min from each other), it's hard for me to help, anyway. Plus, Kathy's grown daughter and their tenant (who rents a cottage on the property) want to help out with the decorating, etc, too, so that's four people. They don't need help, so I don't feel guilty about ditching them. My MIL had sent an email telling me they they already had figured out the invitations, and Jen has looked at websites for decorations, etc etc etc, and that she "assumed I'd want to help (?)". I took that opportunity to say that since they have it under control, and I'm so far away, that I didn't see what I could possibly add, but that if they need something specific done, like a list of things to pick up at the party store, to let me know, and that I'll be happy to go early to help set up.

I feel SO GOOD about this. I'm tired of feeling completely unappreciated (another example of this: for Kathy's surprise 40th birthday party five years ago, I spent two hours scrubbing their disgusting, slimy-mold-filled downstairs bathroom, complete with crusted toilet seat, so it would be useable by the guests, only to be told by her later that, oh, they only used the sunken tub in that bathroom for washing the dogs, anyway'), and of being annoyed by it. This way, I can help out if they need me to, but I'm not taking any of the responsibility for doing something for someone who doesn't show any interest in our family, so I won't feel annoyed OR guilty. The past year or so I've been really working on developing relationships with people who are healthy for me to be with, and lengthening the rope on people who aren't. Since Kathy and her husband are family, obviously I can't cut them off, but I'm not going to work anymore to pull them closer, either.

Thank you all so much for your input. It really helped to have other people give me unbiased opinions!!!! I'm so glad I've met you all!