Off Our Rockers

What is it about this season that makes us do things that we would ordinarily never, EVER do? For instance:

-- The mall is selling fancypants meat sticks again. What is it about Christmas that makes people ga-ga for tiny sausages and cheeses in gift baskets? When the little stands leave the malls at the end of the season, no one will complain. No one will wonder next summer, where did the tiny meats go?! I could use a hit of un-refridgerated meat and cheese. Yet, they return every year, and people scarf it up. Nevermind that meat is available ALL YEAR, at this fabulous place called the Grocery Store.

-- The radio plays the most obnoxious songs possible. Paul McCartney singing 'Wonderful Christmastime' with a giant synthesizer? FABULOUS! I ask you, at what other time of year does ANYONE want to listen to synthesizer music?! (Frankly, I don't want to listen to it now, either, but someone certainly must, since it's on every. other. minute.)

-- We eat raw eggs. All through the year, we screech at our kids to get AWAY from the FREAKIN' BOWL for the MILLIONTH TIME, because you'll get salmonella and we'll have to go to the ER!!! However, for the next six weeks, many of us will guzzle down as many gallons of raw eggs as we can drink. Oh, AND we'll mix them with cream, just because we can! (I, personally, will happily take yours if you don't want them, because I am not fat enough already, and my giant pimple needs friends.)

-- Civilized people have fistfights in public places. At a Walmart near one of our old homes, two women had a knock-down, drag-out fight over something or other that was a)probably crap and b)would more than likely only be played with for a few days, like a Pimp Me Elmo or something. What on earth?! There are great sales at other times of year, and craft stores regularly have half-off coupons, but holy cow, for the next few weeks, you'd better bring a body guard if you're even THINKING of getting near a Wii-Wii In Her Pants Baby Alive, because Lord knows every girl needs to play a video game about changing a diaper as soon as possible. (Do you know they're even making a doll that poops now, too?! Maybe we're supposed to feed it the tiny meat sticks.)

Anyway, I wonder about these things as I'm sitting here, hiding from the world with my laptop. Tune in around Easter, when we'll discuss things like 'Buying That Annoying Grass Crap That No One Can Ever Get Out of the House, But Everyone Buys Anyway', and 'Bunny Foo Foo, The Easter Bunny's Evil Twin'.