Monday, November 24, 2008

Off Our Rockers

What is it about this season that makes us do things that we would ordinarily never, EVER do? For instance:

-- The mall is selling fancypants meat sticks again. What is it about Christmas that makes people ga-ga for tiny sausages and cheeses in gift baskets? When the little stands leave the malls at the end of the season, no one will complain. No one will wonder next summer, where did the tiny meats go?! I could use a hit of un-refridgerated meat and cheese. Yet, they return every year, and people scarf it up. Nevermind that meat is available ALL YEAR, at this fabulous place called the Grocery Store.

-- The radio plays the most obnoxious songs possible. Paul McCartney singing 'Wonderful Christmastime' with a giant synthesizer? FABULOUS! I ask you, at what other time of year does ANYONE want to listen to synthesizer music?! (Frankly, I don't want to listen to it now, either, but someone certainly must, since it's on every. other. minute.)

-- We eat raw eggs. All through the year, we screech at our kids to get AWAY from the FREAKIN' BOWL for the MILLIONTH TIME, because you'll get salmonella and we'll have to go to the ER!!! However, for the next six weeks, many of us will guzzle down as many gallons of raw eggs as we can drink. Oh, AND we'll mix them with cream, just because we can! (I, personally, will happily take yours if you don't want them, because I am not fat enough already, and my giant pimple needs friends.)

-- Civilized people have fistfights in public places. At a Walmart near one of our old homes, two women had a knock-down, drag-out fight over something or other that was a)probably crap and b)would more than likely only be played with for a few days, like a Pimp Me Elmo or something. What on earth?! There are great sales at other times of year, and craft stores regularly have half-off coupons, but holy cow, for the next few weeks, you'd better bring a body guard if you're even THINKING of getting near a Wii-Wii In Her Pants Baby Alive, because Lord knows every girl needs to play a video game about changing a diaper as soon as possible. (Do you know they're even making a doll that poops now, too?! Maybe we're supposed to feed it the tiny meat sticks.)

Anyway, I wonder about these things as I'm sitting here, hiding from the world with my laptop. Tune in around Easter, when we'll discuss things like 'Buying That Annoying Grass Crap That No One Can Ever Get Out of the House, But Everyone Buys Anyway', and 'Bunny Foo Foo, The Easter Bunny's Evil Twin'.


Melissa said...

I now need a pimp me Elmo ... thanks!
Gotta love the video diaper changing game :)

..and I swear to god Violet's been walking around holding my hand in the mall now and she's only 18months so she walks slow and people are so impatient they insist on trying to dart around us (we not having a cart because we have to pick up like a carton of milk) and them with carts half the length of my van with crazy shit hanging out the side waiting to poke someone in the liver like wrapping paper and sleds!!! WTF, almost running Violet down .. that is what gets my goat about Christmas. :)

Kristi said...

Kaeli totally wants that Baby Alive that poops and pees in a plastic toilet. Ridiculous.

creative kerfuffle said...

ah, yes the holidays. i love this post : ) i also love me some eggnog though i've never had real eggnog w/ alcohol in it. i also don't get the black friday thing. i don't like shopping on a good day, let alone with a bunch of half crazed idiots looking for that elusive gift that is going to bring world peace or make their actions the whole rest of the year melt away.

Cherish said...

Rayden and chris want the baby alive too. I think its gross so it is the one that I am very much not getting them.

Also, I hate that grass stuff! I saw some yesterday in my holiday stuff and almost threw it out...I really should have

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

Amen! And you get a hallelujah too!

We have a radio station here that has been playing Christmas music non-stop since Halloween. And yes, there were Christmas displays up before Halloween. That makes me crazy too.

Pink Ink said...

I can almost stand the Christmas stuff. It's the Easter stuff that bugs me. :-)

-found you through Bloggers Annex

Cherish said...

I know I already commented but I wanted to let you know that I gave you an award over on mine blog :)

d e v a n said...

OMg, dying laughing about the meat and cheese baskets.