The Line in the Sand

Would any of you with younger children like to trade for the more advanced model? Say, a nine year-old girl who thinks she's Perfect? Yeeaaagghhhh!

Here's my dilemma: how old should a child be before you take a hands-off approach with them insofar as personal hygiene and homework go?

Her Highness Josie is nine and a half, and does not like to take showers, brush her teeth appropriately, or brush her hair. In fact, with the teeth, I have ridden her, her father has gotten on her about doing better, and the dentist has spoken to her TWICE. We have the 'fun' cavity mouth rinse that shows where you need to brush and everything. The problem is, she's just Lazy. The last time I took her to get her hair cut, a few weeks ago, her hair was almost waist-length, and the woman who was trimming it had to spend about ten minutes working out a bunch of knots underneath! She had been brushing the top of her hair, but not underneath, and since she hadn't been wanting braids or anything recently, I hadn't really been involved in brushing her hair. It looked OK from the top, so I assumed she could be trusted to do it on her own.

With her homework, I am about at the end of my rope. She does it without complaint, but the problem is that when she brings it to me for me to check it over, she turns into a nasty, sulky, angry bullfrog if I DARE to find a mistake. Yesterday, I was reading over her book report on Superfudge, and noticed that she had spelled every single character's name wrong, plus a host of other words. Also, there were some sentences that obviously made sense to *her*, but weren't clear to anyone who hadn't also just finished reading the book, such as 'Peter had to figure out how to live with his brother for a year and his friend Totsie.' Huh? I read this aloud to her, and she got mad at ME! Honest-to-God, I wasn't being nasty, I was just reading it aloud in a normal tone, and then I asked her if she really meant that Peter was only going to be living with 'Fouge' for a year, or whether they were somewhere together that they were going to be living for a year and then would be returning somewhere else together after that time, since she was making it sound like 'Fouge' was going to be put in a box and mailed somewhere after the year was over. After initially giggling, she was *furious* with me for not understanding, and poked her finger at the paper where she had previously written in another paragraph,'The book takes place in Maen in and out side.' Apparently, they moved to Maine for a year, but she just hadn't drawn the line for the reader. Not a big deal, but she was so angry with me for not getting it! When she gets like that, she pulls in her neck, purses her lips, and literally pouts, pokes out her belly, and drums her fingers on the table.

It makes me SO MAD.

The reason I know I wasn't being nasty to her is because I had to try SO HARD not to grab the paper and tear it up into little pieces, or ball it up and throw it away. The only thing that stopped me was the knowledge that my mother would have done that exact thing, had I ever behaved that way towards her. Nothing will stop a woman in her tracks like the fear of being like her mother, especially mine!

Since this is not the first time this has happened, and not the first time I've tried to talk to her about it afterwards, I quietly asked her if she would rather not have me look at her work, but just take her chances with her teacher and let her final grade reflect anything Ms. Miller finds. She said no, but kept acting the same way, until I finally told her that I would no longer be helping her, because it was obvious that the only thing she wants me to do is pat her on the head and tell her that it's perfect and she's a genius. So, the next time there is a book report, she is not to ask for help from either of us, and will be going it on her own. Now, obviously, if she comes to me and asks politely for help with one thing or another, and acts like a normal person while she does it, I will probably help her. I doubt that will happen, however.

So, am I doing the right thing? Is this how she will have to learn from now on - trial by fire? It's her book report, and her body, and she is ultimately going to have to be responsible for herself, it's true. Maybe it's better for her to realize *now* that she can't do everything perfectly on her own yet, no matter how smart she is, before her grades become a matter of serious importance. Luckily for her, this book report is an oral presentation, so the spelling isn't a matter of life or death, although I did tell her that there's no reason on earth she should have spelled the character's names wrong, at least. Do I let her just not shower, and see how long it takes before she does it herself? Do I let her get a bad grade on her next report, to let her learn the lesson? Nothing I do seems to be helping to change her attitude, not the talking, the punishing, her promises to be more polite in the future, nothing. I am at wit's end. There's apparently a line in the sand in fourth grade, and I don't know if I should let her cross it alone, or if I should hold her hand and make sure she looks both ways?