Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Dear So-and-So

Dear Recycling Collection Miscreants:
Why the hell don't you pick anything up between November and April?! We have ice storms every year, leaves continue to fall until December, and yet you don't come to collect it! We aren't allowed to have messy yards (ie, downed limbs, bags of leaves, etc), yet you're too busy doing whatever it is you do, probably going to Disneyland on my winter tax dollars that you aren't earning, to take my leaves and branches that I have bagged up for you.

Dear Garbage Collection Mafia:
Since the yard people are on vacation, can't you do a sister a solid and take the freakin' trash?! Yes, it's leaves, but it's still trash, and it's all bagged up at the curb waiting for someone with, I dunno, A TRUCK to take it. Are you allergic to paper bags? I put some in plastic bags, and some in paper, so you can take your pick. I saw you out there, checking out our bags, and heard you hollar to the driver that they aren't 'real trash'. Not only did you leave the bags of yard stuff there, but you also decided to punish me by not taking the 'real trash' as well!!!! WTF?! That busted shovel didn't fall off of the shovel tree, for chrissakes! Here's the deal - I watched The Sopranos faithfully for years, and I know who's really in charge of waste management. How much do you want? I'm going bald from pulling my hair out, and rather than buy a wig, I'm willing to pay you the eff off so you will Do Your JOB!

Dear Tooth Fairy,
PLEASE stop collecting Josie's teeth at such an alarming rate! What do you think we are, bankers?! One a week we can think about, but THREE MOLARS in one week?!?! Also, the orthodontist said that when all her baby teeth are gone on top, it will be time for braces. DEAR GOD! So, until you can start leaving ME money under MY pillow (I baked those teeth, after all), stay the hell away!
Not Made Of Money

Dear US Elementary Schools,
Please stop having card exchanges on Valentine's Day! Now that we have the 'everyone gets a card' rule, um, everyone gets a card, so all they're doing is exchanging meaningless pieces of paper they don't even have to look at to see who they got a card from. I understand the meaning behind the 'all or no one' rule, don't get me wrong, but they don't even want them in the first place! I am *literally* throwing my (and other parents') money away every year, and I can't afford it (see note to Tooth Fairy, above).
Bah Humbug

Dear Showoff Parents,
Contrary to your belief, no one will die if you do not bring in 'extra cupcakes' for the class on holidays. If you didn't sign up for it, don't bring it! The kids ended up with two mini-cupcakes, one big cupcake, carrots and chips and dip, grapes, a giant decorated cookie, and ice cream for their party on Friday. Most of it has to be bagged up to be brought home because it's an overflowing dinner-plate full of stuff! Whatever happened to a cupcake and a juice for a party?!
This Is Why Kids Are Getting Fatter

Dear Mice,
GO AWAY. Stop pooping in my cabinets, stop leaving gifts behind the stove, and stop NIBBLING ON THE MUFFINS that I made yesterday!!!! I have killed one of you, and released another behind Lowe's (hey, at least it's warm, and the birds seem to like living in there). I promise to catch and release however many of you there are if you would kindly proceed into the trap to the left, where I have placed leftover pieces of MUFFIN that you generously left behind. The shuttle will take you to Lowes promptly. K'thx.
My Cat Sucks


Not Your Aunt Bea said...

Seriously, you are hilarious! I am in stitches!

d e v a n said...

hahahaha! I think that last letter should have been copied to the cat...

Cherish said...

hahaha..I love reading your blog

creative kerfuffle said...

these are effing funny : )

Hotch Potchery said...

My eldest just got her braces off today, and her $7,000 smile is pretty nice...yikes! Let me know how that tooth fairy thing works out, maybe I can back date a letter.

Anonymous said...

Three molars?? Dang!

Kelsey said...

See, it's not just food allergy folks that think we could lighten up on the class party fare - for pete's sake!

Sorry about the trash/recycling/molars/rodents - sounds like a perfect storm of annoyance.

Kristin.... said...

OMG you had me laughing. :)

Kristi said...

LMAO. Super funny. And what is up with the V-Day card exchange? Am I supposed to just throw away the box full of cards Kaeli brought home? Ridiculous.

LoriD said...

We fight with the garbage/yard waste people too. Last year their last leaf pickup was the last week of October, but the trees were still full of leaves. As of March 1st, each house will only be allowed one bag of garbage - one for my family of 5 and one for the divorced guy who lives alone next door. Ugh.

Fiona Picklebottom said...

My cat also sucks. Your mice should be grateful; we are not nearly as nice to our mice.

Melissa said...

Awesome post!! Love this idea, I heard about this write a letter to someone and don't send it idea, I think it works if it's this funny :D

clueless but hopeful mama said...

Oh God, BRACES. Yet another thing I should be saving for because lord knows my girl is going to need 'em.

These all cracked me up but especially the last one! HA!