Monday, February 9, 2009

Aaaaasss Yyyyouuuu Wiiiiissshhhhhh.....

If you get that reference, ten points!!!

Yesterday evening, we all went tubing with our church's family ministries group. To summarize:

Josie: Wooooooh!!! This is the best night ever!!!! HAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!
Me: At least she'll be laughing when we die! AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

Who the hell knew tubing was so scary?!?!?!?! Since no one told me, I will do you all a solid and pass on some necessary tubing info:

1. Yes, it is indeed possible to go down a hill so fast that your eyelids take flight. It is not pretty.
2. Just because you're sitting on a giant inner tube floating down the side of a mountain on a trip that should by all rights be relaxing does not mean that you will not hurl your cocoa when said tube hits a bump at 90mph.
3. Luckily, your teeth will be so tightly clenched that this will not matter. (Your dentist thanks you for the extra business, BTW.) Also, you will not be able to pee for a week. You may, however, poop a diamond, and if you do, you're welcome.
4. Your children will delight in trying to kill you by a) going down the slope that is so straight that you would swear it's actually inverted and b) trying to drag you down it afterward. You will, of course, be required to go backwards.
5. Teenage tube slope staff get their jollies by watching people try to stand upright on the wet, icy conveyor belt that takes people back up the mountain at an 85 degree angle while said people are trying to hold onto their own tube as well as their kid's tube, mittens and kid. For extra kicks, they jump onto the belt themselves, adding more weight and making the whole belt jolt the whole way up the hill. They probably then post the whole mess on YouTube.

No one told me that tubing is not relaxing. It is simply easier than trying to balance on skis. I haven't gone that fast in my CAR. BACKWARDS, no less. One time (at band camp) Josie and I went so fast that we shot right off of the end of the slope and hit the inflatable things at the bottom so hard that Josie ended up underneath one of them! Oh, the hysteria!

Yes, it was fun, mostly. Really, the fun part was watching how hard the kids laughed all the way down, over and over again. I think, really, that my biggest problem is that I'm too much of a wimp an adult to enjoy those things as much as I would have when I was younger. I was worried the entire time that something horrid was going to happen. It didn't help that I had to sign a waiver OKing the statement that we wouldn't hold the place responsible if someone was seriously injured or dead by the end of the night. Um, yeah, I know that *could* happen, but maybe don't remind me of it as I'm stepping out onto the slope, m'k?! Nothing says fun like 'don't blame us if you die, 'cause we TOLD you so, stupid!!!'!


Hotch Potchery said...

TUBING. Another thing I am adding to my to-do list when I am less fat. Sounds so fun to me.

Stimey said...

1. The Princess Bride, with dude after whatserface pushes him down the hill and then she jumps after him because she realizes who he is. I watched that movie a lot when I was younger.

2. This post is hilarious. I'm glad your kids had fun. :)

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

It took me a second to realize you meant tubing down a hill on snow NOT on a river. The latter is relaxing, the first sounds fun, but I might poop a diamond as I have never seen real snow.

Anonymous said...

I have become such a worrier since I became a mom. I think I would have loved tubing, once upon a time, now all I see is death and dismemberment. So cheery.

d e v a n said...

Your definition is hilarious! hahaha!

Kristi said...

Wesley was truly one of my first loves! I could quote The Princess Bride all day! Inconceivable!!

I think I must be officially approaching ADULT because I can vaguely remember when tubing down a mountain sounded fun, but now I just get a nervous feeling in my tummy!

Melissa said...

I had just you tubed this, and yes this is very fun to watch!!! :)

Chantal said...

I have never done tubing. I think I may crap a diamond. I am a wimp!

Princess Bride is one of my faves!

Kristin.... said...

Wesley and Buttercup; one of the best love stories. ever! :) It is one of the few movies I will watch anytime it's on tv.

Tubing. Um. No. I am a CHICKEN SH*T. No. Thank. You.

Sherendipity said...

This post was so much fun. Not as much fun as being there, of course, but much fun.

creative kerfuffle said...

i too thought you meant tubing on a river/water, which i've done and it is relaxing (on a slow river w/ no rapids or anything). the snow tubing SOUNDS fun, but i'd probably crap a diamond too. great post though : )