Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Yet Another Inappropriate Sight

OK, so I just recovered from the Duck Debacle, and yesterday, here we go again.

The kids and I were out getting more phones at Best Buy to replace the two that Baci ate when he was younger (I didn't see any point in replacing them until I was pretty sure he wouldn't just eat them again), and I told them that if they were good, we'd go to Starbucks afterward. (They truth is, I was going to go there regardless, since I NEEDED an iced latte, but they didn't need to know that.) When we all go, they are allowed to pick either a cookie and a milk or a vanilla bean frappe, so this is a Big Time Incentive. Plus, they have inherited my Coffee Shop Habitat gene, which makes all coffeehouses my natural environment. The smell, the music, the quiet conversations, the chairs... aahhhhh. Why is it that music always sounds better in a coffeeshop? When I listen to that folk art stuff at home, it's crap, but when I'm there, it's absolutely wonderful. Strange.

Anyway, the urchins were good, so they got to go to The Big S, which is in the same parking lot, although far enough away that I moved the car. As I pulled into a parking space in the emptyish lot (it was still midday, not the busiest time), a tiny little Mini Cooper pulled in a few spaces away. There were no cars between us, so I got to really look at it. I love those cars, and I would die of joy if I actually owned one (which, come to think of it, would make the actual ownership a moot point). They are adorable, and you can get the most creative paint jobs on them!! This one was yellow, with a black roof, black and white checks on the rearview mirrors, and... WTF?!?! Balls!!!!

For those of you who do not live in Redneck Woods, let me explain to you what this is. I had never seen this before I moved here. There are a lot of hunters, etc, here, who own a lot of pickups. Those pickups have toehitches on them. From said toehitches, the men like to hang things. One of their favorite things to hang is a plastic/rubber sack that has orbs inside it, so it looks like their truck is hung like the biggest bull in the county. They come in all different colors, although you don't see blue much, since what hunter wants to admit that their truck is sexually frustrated, I suppose. Now, I have never seen a corresponding female truck with the muffler turned into a giant vagina, so I don't know who those trucks would be having sex with. I should ask one of the guys that, and then point out that if there aren't any girl trucks, then all the boy trucks must be having sex with each other. That should be about enough to send them into cardiac arrest!!!!! HA!

Anyway, this tiny little mini cooper had a gigantic pair of balls hanging off the back bumper. There are MANY things wrong with this. First, eew. Just, eew. Second, since those things only come in one size, they were WAAAAYYY TOO BIG for a minicoop. It looked like the hamsters you see at the pet store who have to drag theirs around on the ground. Second, if you are a man, driving a minicoop, you sooo do NOT have big balls. I'm sorry, you just don't. In fact, maybe those were a replacement for his ACTUAL balls, since if he's driving that car, his have probably been removed. Third, what on EARTH is a man who would want such car apparrel doing driving a mini to begin with?!?!!

While all these thoughts are running through my head, of course, Josie noticed the car, too, and of COURSE she saw the gigantic orbs that were still swaying away down there (they were bright yellow, too, of COURSE), and said, 'WHAT is THAT on THAT CAR?!' Thankfully, Patrick was absorbed in his DS, and was in lala land, which usually annoys me once I've stopped the car, but this time I was just grateful. Before I had a chance to say anything, she announced, 'Oh, I think I KNOW what that is!!!!! It's -'

'Yes, honey, I'm sure you DO,' I interrupted, trying my best to convey that I did NOT want to be having this conversation.

'Why would someone put that on there?!' she wanted to know. I told her I had no idea, but that it was a boy thing, and boys are weird. She agreed, and dropped it. Thank God. Patrick never noticed. Thank God again, because if he HAD, it would have been all he talked about for DAYS, and I there probably would have been notes from the school and trips to explain to the principal why my son was obsessed with yellow rubber balls, and not the nice kind.

Seriously, EEW!


Kristi said...

I seriously do not get why guys think hanging balls off of there cars is cool...I have never known a girl that dated a guy with that particular ornament on his car so I assume they don't date much...and a minicooper...wth?

Anonymous said...

I saw those (Bumper Nutz, I actually blogged about them somewhere) and the first time I did, I could not believe my eyes. The fact that you saw them on a Mini is an entirely new realm of repulsive. Minis, to me anyway, seem about conservation (small car = less gas), hip, earthy kind of people, not the kind who would have Bumper Nutz. UGH!

Totally as a side, the BEST personalized license plate I've ever seen was on a Mini Cooper. It said: FENIMORE. The English major geek in me was ecstatic.

Swistle said...

INDEED: eww. Also, I love how Josie is already one of us: she wants to know WTH, and the explanation that it's a boy thing and boys are weird makes sense to her.

d e v a n said...

Gross. I live in Alabama and sadly, see those all too often.

Kristin.... said...

I have never seen those. And I live in the woods, in Maine, with hunters. Instead, they have trucks with gun racks, dead deer in the back, and the little boy going pee in the back windshield.


creative kerfuffle said...

ah yes, we have those here in nc too. i've even seen brass ones. go figure.
one of my friends has a mini, and yes they are gawdawful cute, you just want to pick them up and put them in your pocket, but riding in one, not so much fun. i feel incredibly crushable in a mini; very tiny on the highway.
but, they're cute : )

Which Box said...

You might have to post pics. While I'm from the country, I live in the city now and I have no idea what this is. But it sounds terrible and repulsive.

ps. I own a minicooper. Love. Except for the things about it that drive me crazy - requires premium gas, does not get great gas mileage in the city, tight suspension is rough on city roads, potholes cause bent rims. In sum, great car that should be a city car, but totally is not. Rocks for parking, though.

Rebecca said...

I've seen this on on truck here... but that's just extra wrong. But your telling of it made me lol.

Susiewearsthepants said...

That is so gross and very inappropriate. Did you some states have outlawed them? All states should I think. I can't imagine how many parents have to try to explain those disgusting things to their kids. I mean, the real ones aren't that great so what's the big deal with the fake ones?