Sunday, February 24, 2008

there went the wagon...

I'm off the diet wagon. Wait, that's an understatement; I fell off the wagon, it ran over me, and then the horses pulling the wagon BEHIND it pooped on me as they stepped over. I actually had time to come up with a new mathematical theorem to reflect this process while coming up for air from stuffing my face with leftover candy: Valentine's Day + PMS + house issues = Chocolate x the square root of Ice Cream. Beat that Einstein!

I don't get regular PMS. I get it for weeks. My periods, which have always been irregular, are now worse than ever, probably because I'm older, and so only come every 45 days or so, if I'm lucky. However, I ovulate at the expected time, so that means I have a good two and a half weeks between the O and the P when I'm crampy and have sleep problems (either too much or none at all). Seriously, if it didn't mean having to take synthetic hormones for the rest of my life, I would have the entire business taken out.

This also means that I never know exactly when the Red Menace is going to show up. It's usually at the most annoying time possible, like when I'm at the gym, or waiting to get Patrick from prek. Then I get that Feeling (YOU know the one, dear ladies), and run for the nearest bathroom to do the Toilet Paper Trick until I can get home. Whoopee. Nothing like surfing the Red Tide on a boogie board made of TP!

So, tonight I'm just all hormoned out, and I'm sitting on the couch watching Baci Bean cruise the house looking for trouble because I'm not playing with him. Pretty soon, he'll slink by with the remote in his mouth to see if I'll actually unbeach myself from the couch to get it from him. I have another one upstairs, so he's SOL. If only I could teach him to drive to the store for Midol. And maybe some of those cookies with the peanut butter cups in them. Mmmm.

4 comments:

Swistle said...

This week I have had encounters with Valentine's Day candy, pizza, brownies, and fruit-flavored Tootsie Rolls, plus about one million things such as pepperoni slices, cheese off a kid's plate, extra pizza off a kid's plate, etc.

It's Monday. I'm at the wagon stop, waiting for my ride to show up.

desperate housewife said...

Oh, PMS, how I do not miss you. It's so rough and impossible to explain unless you've felt it. I'd almost rather be pregnant, most of the time, than have a rough case of day-before-period PMS. So here's hoping you're relieved soon, and that the chocolate helped. Supposedly moderate exercise helps too, BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Minnesota Matron said...

Honey, I am riding that same wagon and it is indeed age. My period is utterly without pattern or plan but I know that when I want to rip the dog's limbs apart and eat the cheesecake, something is brewing.

Bring A. Torch said...

So many gems in here--the boogie board of TP! Unbeaching yourself from the couch! What a HOOT!