Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Things I Don't Understand, School Edition

Dear Trig Professor:

Thank you for letting me in your class, but there are a few things that are a mystery to me. For instance, why is it called an online class when in fact I had to purchase DVDs from the bookstore with you on them, teaching the class to someone else? I would say it's nice to see you, but honestly, I *can't* see you, since the rhesus monkey you had running the camera put the auto-focus on YOU rather than the blackboard, and since you're always moving, that means that the focus goes in and out like a Christmas light. Just for fun, whatever you're writing on the board only comes into focus every other time you do, or so. It's like a magic trick! Perhaps you could pull the answer to why I care what f(g(x)) is, again? Because I can figure out what the problem means, but I have no idea why it means anything at all to you. For all I know, it's the formula for making a unicorn. Finally, if you could please explain to me why our text begins on Chapter Six, rather than the usual chapter one, that would be great, because it's not inspiring a lot of confidence in your (or the author's) ability to even COUNT.

Sincerely,
Not a Mathlete

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Dear Bio Professor,

I understand that this is your first class to teach, ever, and that you're a bio-chemist-phlegmologist researchologist person, but perhaps you could have actually read the lab contents before you came to class today? Making *us* remind *you* of the instructions is like the blind protozoa leading the other blind protozoa, and frankly, from the looks of confusion on the faces of the younger students, they're making Stevie Wonder look like an eagle-eye. Seriously, why didn't you tell the poor creatures that you can figure out the difference in how much you can see under the microscope between magnifications by doing a simple ratio (2mm @ 100x = .5mm @4oox) rather than making them do that horrid formula that they were all struggling with? just because they weren't smart enough to see it themselves doesn't mean you should punish them! (Or was it because none of them understood that because the microscope already magnifies at 10x, that the 40x lens actually shows you a 400x magnification? I have seen deer about to be under my car that looked less startled. ) Regardless, it's going to be a LOOOOONG class, so maybe be a sport and be prepared next time, and stop joking that you're just as unsure what to do as we are. But, if you can't, can you at least count? There might be a place for you in the math department.

Sincerely,
Not So Blinded by Science

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Dear Public School,

Who do you think is trying to get into the school, Osama Bin Laden?! What are all these new security procedures?! Now I have to give you my driver's license number, AND all the numbers of anyone who might pick my kids up early or drop them off late, AND scan my license in any time I want to enter the school, and have everyone videotaped as we enter and leave the school?! AND all volunteers have to be fingerprinted, at the county school office, at $20 a pop? AND I have to send in a note saying that my 10yo is going home with her friend's mom today, even though she's a walker and could technically get into ANY car, at ANY point, on ANY day, on her way home, with no notice at all, should she so choose? Once you're in elementary school, you pretty much know who's a stranger and who isn't, and whether you have a playdate or not, unless you have a severe special-education situation. How much did these cameras cost our strapped system again? Is there really a rash of people busting into the school and taking children who don't belong to them via brute force?! What kind of establishment are you running over there!? What's next, installing a subcutaneous GPS device? I hate to say it, but if someone really wanted to do some damage, they would bust through the glass in the door and come in. A person who has scanned in their license is no less likely to detonate a bomb than anyone else, since they don't care if you know who they are, and they'll be dead, anyway. AND, oh sacred educational establishment, I'm supposed to let you have my license number stored on file so someone can break into your crappily-secured data files and steal it, along with my SSN?! I think not. Does this mean that if, God forbid, DH and I are in a car accident, and no one else's license is on file, they will have to live at the school until we can get out of the hospital and bring our licenses over there to bust them out?

Come to think of it, there are days when I'll just leave my license at home and let you keep them. It's cheaper than hiring a sitter.

Sincerely,
Have a Fun Sleepover With My Kid

8 comments:

Not Your Aunt B said...

Oh my. The cuckoo college profs I get, but the school?

Nowheymama said...

Our school started that fingerprinting thing last year. Awesome.

Shelly Overlook said...

Wow. What a first week for you. Sounds, um, interesting at least.

Swistle said...

Ha ha ha! Formula for a unicorn!

creative kerfuffle said...

wow--just, wow on those profs. really? um, you had to jump through a buttload of hoops to make this happen and what? they picked up the professors off the street and slapped them in a classroom? sounds like the math guy needs to get rid of the blair witch project videographer. sheesh. and holy fortress batman! i can't believe all of that security at the school. we have to sign in and out but none of the other stuff.
my wordify is tward. how funny.

Kelsey said...

When will institutions realize that being a good professional at something doesn't mean you can teach it?!

d e v a n said...

LMAO@ letting them keep your kids for the night.

Melissa said...

I can't not wrap my head around the problems your having with the prof. I hate that they think they are the best of the best, they're like that here too. Snobs honestly, but I hope you have better luck during the year! Just real glad you got it all settled .. a little :)