Monday, August 3, 2009

Dear Ramalama Ding Dong,

I am just having a DAY. Seriously.

Dear Susquehanna Bank,

Thank you for closing our account due to inactivity, and taking the money (small though it was) as a forfeit. I appreciated not having anywhere to put my money when I CAME IN TO DEPOSIT MY CHECK today. The kicker is, I was really only being nice in keeping the account open, since we do use a national bank for the automatic deposits so DH can actually get to an ATM near his work. We chose you all because you were local, because your location was right next to our old house, and the people who work at that branch were really nice, so we kept any checks we got in the mail with you all. Now that we've moved, it's not quite so convenient, but to be nice I still went there, and was in fact there just last month being, you know, ACTIVE. I especially liked how, when presented with my CHECK, the (new) woman at the counter drawled that our account was marked as inactive, and yet didn't offer to re-activate it in order to TAKE MY MONEY! The real hallmark of customer service, though, was when she proceeded to refuse to cash it, even though it was a check issued BY SUSQUEHANNA, because it was made out to DH!!! With your unique service record, I can see why the corporate office is having to save money by closing all accounts that aren't procreating like mad, or whatever you expect them to do.

The Inactive Forger

Dear New Bank,

I have recentely opened an account with you, using your 'easier' online option to do so. I believe that your mascot next to the 'easy' link should be a cat in a bathtub. After being booted off the site twice by some 'glitch', I finally finished the application and printed out confirmation, only to see that my name is now MR. Astarte Last Name JR. Apparently, my gynocologist has a lot of explaining to do, and I am wearing the entirely wrong kind of underwear. Since I wasn't given an account number, or told when exactly I might be able to use said account, I called the 800 number the next day, only to find out that they didn't know, but they could take care of making me able to use one immediately over the phone. Good thing I asked, because Ms. Einstein was going to open ANOTHER account in my name, and didn't know how that would affect the $100 New Bank had automatically withdrawn to open my first account. Whee!!!! The good news is, I got a debit/check card in the mail today, only to find out that if I slip and use it as a debit card at a store, there's a $.50 charge every time I do. No worries, though, because I still don't have a PIN, and after ten minutes of verifying my name, address, bra size and Aunt Flo chart, I found out that I can't set one up over the phone. Thanks for making sure I don't go crazy at the gas station, or, you know, deposit checks that other banks think I'm forging.

It's MY MONEY, Dammit!

Dearest Patrick,

Duh. I can hear you when you run madly up the stairs to pretend you've been in your room the whole time, supposedly mulling over what a little turd you were awhile ago, just like you could hear ME on the stairs coming up from the basement. I *know* you were watching the TV. Slamming your door isn't exactly keeping your clandestine TV watching a secret, either, Captain Obvious.

I Ain't Deef YET, Sonny-Boy!

and finally.....

Dear Previous Owner,

Ahh, where to begin? My mind is so full of amazing memories thanks to you, like how you saved me from a nice weekend getaway by making me give the money to the hot tub repairman instead after your hotwire job blew the motor. Oh, and how you glued the carpet in the attic to the floor, and attached it to the stairs with 100 staples per riser. Or, how the downstairs bathroom has a ceiling so low that every man we know has left a head-print on it. This weekend, though, you outdid yourself. We had a lot of rain, and imagine our shock when the (cheapo) carpet down there literally squished when we went down to do laundry! You knew we wouldn't like the constantly shedding crap you put down, didn't you, you scamp?! How kind of you to give us a reason to bond for a weekend while we ripped up all the waterlogged carpet, only to discover that the carpet tack strips on one side of the wall are completely rotted! That means that 1) this has happened before, a lot, but not quite so badly in the past year, 2)you knew it was a problem, since you lived here 11 years before we bought it, and 3) you wanted to hide it by throwing down new stuff when the house went on the market so no one would be able to tell, and you'd be able to call it a finished basement. You're the best renovation guy EVER! I can only imagine the wonderful memories all of your contracting customers must have!!!.

What Next?!?!


Nowheymama said...

Our house's former owners glued down new carpet on top of old carpet in the kitchen. And they buried paint--NOT in a paint can--in the backyard.

Nice post, Miss Chanandler Bong! :)

d e v a n said...

Geez - the bank stuff is so irritating! And that previous owner? GRRRR!

Anonymous said...

Banks drive me insane!!!

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

WTF? That is crazy about the banks and previous owner. You need a drink. Or three. What is it with people?

Kelsey said...

The one about Patrick cracked me up -sorry!

There is carpet glued to tile in the bathrooms of our current house. In the master that means there's like an inch step up from the bedroom to the bathroom. Lovely.

I hope that you find something actually helpful/delightful the previous owner has done one of these days.

Swistle said...

OMG I LOVE this. So funny!

Bring A. Torch said...

"The entirely wrong kind of underwear." That is freaking AWESOME. Way to channel some rage!

creative kerfuffle said...

the local bank amazes me. really, any local business that sucks at customer service. i just do not get it. i like using local businesses but sometimes i just shake my head and say wtf because they suck.
the former owners sound perfectly horrible. i mean, uh, where did they learn to renovate? sheesh.