Hokey Pokey, County Style

When last you left your hapless suburbanites, we were in the throes of realty uproar, caught between warring factions, if you will. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow being, as we know, the knowledge that we would be closing on our new home on the morrow.

And did that happen, you ask?

Yea and verily... no.

Of course, not. If you really thought there was a prayer in hell of that happening, you've been reading the Wrong fairy tale, my friend.

However, today has been much funnier than yesterday, in a weird way. For instance, Freak Realtor Flo has had a massive personality overhaul after being set straight by the actual county administrator regarding who is actually in charge of the situation (hint: it's not her). She was duly informed that we would get this house whether they foreclosed or not, and that there's no way the bank is letting the seller out of a loan that has almost been taken care of by allowing him to write it off, so she should stop with the screaming and get on with the acting like a realtor of someone who is desperate to sell their house. Oh, to have seen the look on her face!!!! With the amount of makeup that woman wears, I can only imagine the earthquake-like shift as her foundation cracked into shifting tectonic plates. Seriously, the only other person I've ever seen wear that much eyeliner was Liberace. I don't know why some women choose to try and hide their age by piling on ever-thickening globs of liquid foundation, but please, God, let me not be one of them!

Flo called me this morning to cancel our appointment for the final walk-through of the new house, which was supposed to be this morning before settlement. Ironically, guess who beeped in looking for a donation during her call? If you guessed 'State Department of Transportation', get yourself a brownie!!! Can you imagine?!?! Sure, tear down our neighborhood, and hell, take this donation to help you do it!!!! Holy shiite! I've never even heard of them doing fundraising, for heaven's sake. That HAD to be some kind of divine practical joke.

In a grand show of commitment, the underwriter that messed up the appraisal yesterday has finally decided to commit to the loan - or rather, to the cancellation of it. They are 100% behind... the idiot with the outdated software. No, no, they don't care that he valued it at below foreclosure prices, and also below the three other appraisals that have been done lately. They've picked their man, and they're sticking with him. Commitment is important, you know. (If this keeps up, I'M going to be the one committed, however.)(Currently, we have another loan venue, so we should still be able to close in a few days, unless the entire FHA collapses, which at this rate I'm not ruling out.)

Finally, the last and best example. I have been going back and forth with my least favorite relocation subcontractor, Pat, about moving companies. I gave her two quotes, one from Allied and one from Fleet, and legally that's all she needs. Today, she emailed me saying that she needs another quote because the one from Fleet is unacceptable because it's too low, and she knows it will cost a lot more than that. Huh? So, she suggested another company, who I called and scheduled an appointment with, and they'll be out to presumably screw me over on Friday to have a look at my stuff and write a quote. After a few minutes, I emailed Pat back, and said that isn't that the purpose of getting two quotes, to use one and reject the other? Also, if you read the fine print, the one that she thought was too cheap to be true was actually twice as expensive, because they hadn't added insurance costs into their bottom line; they made a note as to how much to add per thousand dollars of value. Far be it from me to suggest that she actually READ the contracts she's supposed to review. The woman emailed me back, no lie, and said that that's why they had rejected them - they're too expensive.

Taa Daa!!!! Your government at work, ladies and gentlemen! Now we know it is in fact possible to be both too expensive AND too cheap at the same time!!!!

I stopped arguing with her at that point because I realized that obviously she has a five year old, and he's writing her emails. I am, in fact, tempted to let Patrick start writing all MY emails to her, and everyone else too for that matter, since maybe like would work with like.

Thank you, and goodnight!