Oy Freakin' Vey

There is no easy way to say this. I think my kids have somehow become morons.

I don't know how it happened. They seemed to be perfectly intelligent when they were born, but as they get older, it becomes more and more apparent to me that they are, in fact, mentally misplaced. Carlos Mencia would sum it up neatly by calling them dee-duh-dees. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, and technically, education-wise, they are very bright, but when it comes to basic life skills, forget it.

I submit the following evidence for your perusal:

1. The children increasingly cannot see through air. For example, Patrick dropped a doggie yummy next to his foot outside today, and despite my repeated directions on how to find it (look down - now point at the ground - now move your hand to the right - it's THERE! THERE!), the boy turned in circles until one of the dogs happened by and snapped it up.

2. They cannot follow directions. Today I asked Josie to pick up the two videos to go back to Blockbuster, and when I got were a Wallace and Grommit game and a video that was clearly labeled in large print 'PROPERTY OF COUNTY LIBRARY SYSTEM'. When presented with this label, she just stared at it blankly and finally said, 'oh'. When I asked her, she knew what video she was supposed to bring back, yet it wasn't one of the things in her hand that she was planning on returning. Wha?

3. Patrick's short term memory is shot. Today, for instance, we went to Panera for lunch, Toy R Us for a gift, and the mall for another gift. Simple, right? While we were at TRU, he started whining that he hadn't had lunch and he was STARVING, even when I reminded him that we were, in fact, eating less than a half hour before, and that he had gorged himself on a whole bowl of soup, an entire muffin, and a large drink, he looked at me like I was out of my mind. Regardless, he picked out a gift for his friend, we paid, and left to go to the mall, which is right across the parking lot. By the time we were parking at the mall, he started whining about how we 'didn't even get a present' for his friend! I incredulously told him that we had JUST left the toy store, and he insisted that he couldn't remember what he had picked out. The boy frequently accuses me of not feeding him meals, but not remembering something he was literally holding moments before is a new one.

4. Josie is confounded by computer phone calls. She will listen to the entire message before either (a) calling me to tell me it's for me or (b) hanging up and walking away; regardless of which of these things she does, she will have no idea what the call was about or who it was from. Since the school sends phone messages this way occasionally, it's important that I know what's going on, but after repeated lessons and role-playing, the mystery of the computer call still eludes her.

5. Patrick basically walked right into Josie's swing path today. The funny thing is, the younger dog had done the same thing a few minutes before. Both ended up ass over tea kettle in about the same spot. (Both are also fine.) It is disconcerting to watch one's children making the same mistakes as the DOG. It is even more disconcerting to realize that one's children do not learn from the dog's mistakes! (Man, I didn't know words could be put together that way!)

I'm not sure what to do about these things, and the millions of other little things that go along with them. Are everyone's kids like this? It baffles me how children who consistently get top grades in school can be so obtuse. Maybe it's like how a lot of PhDs suddenly become functionally useless common-sensewise. Maybe my kids are budding PhDs. I hope so, because I'm going to need a lot of medication to combat the insanity they're causing me to experience!