Monday, March 3, 2008

Me First!

Has anyone else noticed that it is impossible to do ANYTHING if a child sees you looking like you're about to do Something? I'm beginning to think that my kids have weird radar brains that track my every movement. It must go something like this - the kids are upstairs doing whatever it is they do when I'm not looking, like licking the cat or throwing legos behind the radiators, and then suddenly a little warning light in their brains starts flashing, 'Warning! SOMETHING is about to happen! Be FIRST!' , and like zombies they rise and walk to wherever they feel I am, following the scent of potential accomplishment. They see me near the stove, see that there's water on the stove, and eureka! 'Mommy!!!! Can you make me some hot chocolate?!' And then the other child, whose sense is either numbed by TV or just plain hasn't gotten to me yet, yells, 'MOMMYYYY!!! Can you make me some cocoa!!??!?!'

Take this scenario, and multiply it by about a billion, and there you have my day. If I'm walking towards the computer, zip! They're in front of me, wanting to play a game. Was I looking at the bathroom? Flash! They're little heinies are on the pot, and their usual Potty Time Opera Practice commences. (If they're having a particularly good day, they can take over both bathrooms at the same time and have competing arias.) Lord forbid I even THINK about the phone, because that REALLY throws their senses in a tizzy. That must be a Red Alert or something on the Brain-a-tron system. It's not so much that they want the phone, it's that if I'm moving towards the phone, that means that I actually am planning on doing NOTHING for a few minutes except talk, and oh, do they have better ideas for me!!! It's like living with two small, drunken bosses.

Why do I put up with this obnoxiousness? Really, the question is, how do you stop it?! I can't tell them that they don't have to pee, because that would be the one time they really did need to go, and I'd have to deal with guilt, laundry, and mopping, and still wouldn't get to pee in peace, to boot. If I'm boiling water for coffee, is it really that much extra trouble to make a few cups of cocoa while I'm at it? No. But the constant nature of it, and the fact that I can always EXPECT it, is what drives me bananas. From the minute something pops into my head, I can almost start the mental countdown to when their shining little faces appear (or they just holler from another room).

Even more obnoxious, the animals do it, too!!! They can tell if I get off the couch and come racing down the stairs like big, hairy gangbusters to see if I maybe, possibly will drop something, anything on the floor, preferably something that was alive at some point. Baci, the youngest one, will even watch me through the kitchen window if he's outside! Seriously!


Swistle said...

OH I KNOW! I've had to deal with a couple of customer service situations recently where they tell me I can't use email, I HAVE to call, and I'm like, "OH I DO NOT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND." If I get on the phone, the entire house will need things from me, and the volume will be cranked up to 11.

desperate housewife said...

Indeed. Especially about the dog thing. Mine flops himself down under my feet wherever I sit down, and trots around directly in front of me almost whenever I am walking. It's freaking ridiculous.