Speaking Of...

how hard it is sometimes to be a substitute...

A couple of weeks ago, I was subbing for one of the special ed teachers, and I noticed that there was another woman in for the K teacher, Mrs. N, who was Patrick's teacher last year, and who I have consistently subbed for all year. I figured she was out sick and it was a coincidence, although I did notice that her sub was the girl who had been another K teachers' student teacher during the first half of the year.

Today I was called (by the system! finally!) to go in for a first grade teacher, and the same girl was in for Mrs. N again. I casually asked where Mrs. N, who I actually am on a first-name, facebook-friend, discussing more-personal-matters basis with, was, and the other sub girl said, 'oh, I'm not sure, but she's not sick, because I've known about today for a few weeks'.

So, the last time wasn't a coincidence. She has stopped calling me on purpose.

To be clear, this teacher is a good part of the reason that I decided to sign up to sub, and enroll in school. She wrote me a very nice letter of rec for my grad school portfolio. She said several times last year that she was so glad we'd met, and we would talk about all kinds of things during the kids' lunch breaks when I was there. She said that I was going to be a wonderful teacher. She helped me when Josie had that awful screaming woman as a teacher last year. She's the same woman who I've talked to and hoped for during her failed adoption attempts with the foster baby I've told you about. I've helped her with her grad papers by filling out several surveys, etc. We are by no means strangers.

She's never said one word to me about not being happy with my work, and the kids have always run over and hugged me when I've gone in. I feel so betrayed and sad. I think I come to think of people as friends too easily, and I believe people when they say things like how glad they are to have met me. I guess some people just say things in the moment that maybe they don't mean? If someone is your friend, they don't just basically fire you without a word. I saw those kids a lot, I really care for them, and I thought I was doing good work in there. This just calls my entire sense of judgement into question. Am I not as good as I thought I was, and had been led to believe? It hurt me so much to see someone else sitting in there where I have been all year. I felt so low and dispensable, and embarrassed, because the other K teachers all knew I had been working for Mrs. N, and now they know I'm not. It was humiliating today to find out in front of everyone that I've basically been replaced.

I wrote Mrs. N an email this afternoon, telling her I got my letter from grad school and thanking her for all her help. Then in a separate paragraph, I asked her if there was anything that I had done in her room that she felt was wrong, because I had noticed that there was another person working for her now, and that since I like her, and more importantly, respect her as a teacher, I would really appreciate the feedback because I want to be sure I learn everything I can in the next year, before I'm entirely on my own in a classroom. We'll see what she says. I'm not sure I'll believe her if she says there's no reason, since obviously there IS something going on, but I'm a little afraid of what she's going to say, too. If I *have* unknowingly done something that she thought wasn't great, I will probably feel even MORE humiliated and less wanting to show my face there again.

Either way, it's a shitty way to end a week, but at least when she writes back, I'll know, and I would rather know than sit with the theories in my head. My feelings are hurt already, so really I suppose it can't get any worse.