Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dear So-and-So...

Dear Fellow Avian Appreciation Artist,

I saw you the other day at the intersection, where I was making a right-hand turn. In fact, it would have been hard to miss you, what with the squealing of tires as you blew through the six-lane intersection at top speed and slammed on your breaks just inches from my car and all. Although I had a green light, I stopped to watch the show, and was truly amazed at your many bird tricks! With your arms flapping and mouth going so quickly, I could only assume that you were perhaps showing off your pterodactyl impression, and that you had even added your own personal touch - a broken middle claw that stuck straight up in the air! Fabulous! I hope you didn't mind my imitating your fingerwork as I continued on my journey. My son thought you were a very entertaining showman, and commented on the 'funny guy' all the way home! However anxious you are to share, however, perhaps you should save your showtimes for moments when *you* have a green light. Just a thought.

Sincerely,
Saw the Show, Didn't Buy the T-shirt

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Dear Ms. Hasty,

When we saw each other at the mall the other day, I appreciated your willingness to remind me, at top volume, that the highway patrol had kindly placed a stop sign near where I had been for the last few moments. Leaning out your window was a great way to make sure that I saw you. However, in doing so, you seemed to miss that fact that you, also, had a stop sign, which you almost ran over in your excitement to point out mine. Perhaps mine was of better quality, and therefore more noteworthy? Did you want me to give it to you? Regardless, maybe it would be better if your head remained in your own car, rather than bobbing all over the outdoors while your body remains behind the wheel. If you need help with that, I'll be happy to whip out my newly-purchased roll of duct tape and wrap your hair to the seat.

Sincerely,
I'll Drive My Car, Please Drive Yours!

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Dear Patrick,

Why, oh why, have you sudddenly completely lost your mind? Has it run away with your common sense? When I told you to please set up your godforsaken poh-kee-mon cards with your friend anywhere BUT near the model your sister and I had been working on for over an hour, did your Earth-to-Boy translater tell you that that meant to set up RIGHT BESIDE IT? We have a 6ft+ dining room table, and yet somehow the foot-long model ended up in pieces literally less a minute after I left the room. If there's someone coming to beam you up, E.T., they'd better hurry, because I'm about to put a stamp on your head and mail you in for a replacement! I don't think Sears has a repair plan for your model. Maybe I'd better try Game Stop and see if they'll trade your brain back to me if I return those hideous cards.

Sincerely,
When Does School Start?

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Dear Craptastic Parents,

Hello, it's me, your kid's Vacation Bible Camp Counsellor, with a reminder that if your overspoiled child brings his bajillion transformers doohickeys to camp ONE MORE TIME, *I'm* going to transform - into Camp Bitch From Hell. It's a 2.5hr camp, with constant activities; if you felt he was going to be so bored as to need a literal army of toys, why did you sign him up? Why did you let him bring them back after the first night?! While I appreciate the opportunity to carry his robot unit around and get acquainted with their shape-shifting boyhood weirdness, I do *not* appreciate the sassy lip and bratty attitude I am presented with when I remove them from his spoiled care YET AGAIN. If my own child talked to me that way, I would transform his a** right into his room, courtesy of my foot! Somehow, I don't think pretending to blow up the pulpit with BumbleBee is what BIBLE CAMP is supposed to be about.

Sincerely,
Wishing for Tranquilizer Darts

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and, finally,

Dear Wasps,

You seem to have mistaken my yard for a new development opportunity. Did you lose your last hive to foreclosure? Did your realtor take the money and run? First it was my planter, and now the kids' TIRE SWING?! Thank heavens it rained the other day and the swing had some standing water inside it, because if Patrick hadn't had to tip the thing up to get the wather out, he would have sat down and placed his feet Right. On. Your. New. Condo., a situation that would probably have ended badly for both of you. Please take your gross wasp building-spit, stingers, and lazy leg-hanging flying, and go SOMEWHERE ELSE. I have spray, and I'm not afraid to use it! (Well, maybe I am a *little*, but I'll do it anyway!)

Sincerely,
Coming to a Hive Near You

10 comments:

Kristi said...

LMAO...these are great..."fellow avian appreciation artist" is absolutely classic!!!!!!!

Swistle said...

AH HA HA HA HA HA!! I love "for moments when *you* have a green light. Just a thought". HA HA!

d e v a n said...

haha! LMAO!

Shelly Overlook said...

"Camp Bitch from Hell" - HA!

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

Ha ha ha! Needed a good laugh tonight. Sorry it was at your expense- hope your weekend is better!

Rebecca said...

LOL!! My fave has to be "Sincerly, when does school start?"

VERY funny post! I loved all of it.

Bring A. Torch said...

Oh. Mah. Goodness. Look out Bible campers, here comes Astarte! *theme music swells*

creative kerfuffle said...

these are fantastic letters! LOL and i think my boy suffers from the same alien-ness patrick does. it's like there's a missing link between their brain and their actions.

clueless but hopeful mama said...

I normally don't do this but.... LOL. Seriously. TOO FUNNY.

Sue @ My Party of 6 said...

The Crapcastic Parents one is my ABSOLUTE favorite!! Hahahaha!