The Muddled Sage

Moving Forward

2011-06-10T15:42:00.003-04:00

I graduated from grad school about three weeks ago. It was a rough road in the spring semester. There was a lot of stress about the enormous piles of work that needed to be done, and the deadlines we were under, especially towards the end, when everything was due at once, but since I expected all of that, it wasn't that big of a deal, except for scheduling. Really, the hardest part was inter-personal. My spring mentor teacher and I are very different people, and it was a rough go on a lot of levels. The thing about experiences, though, is that you can learn almost as much, if not more, from hard ones as from those that are more enjoyable. I got along really well with the other teachers in my department, though. They were lovely people who knew what was going on, and who volunteered to write me recommendations that they descibed as 'glowing'. They actually all took me out to lunch the other day to celebrate my graduation. They couldn't have been kinder to me through everything that happened in the last few months, and I definitely wouldn't have made it if I hadn't known that they were all down the hall, rooting for me. They truly are my friends, and I am so grateful.

Now I'm at the waiting point to find out if I'll get a job. I've applied to the local board, and also to a few private schools in the area. I almost would rather do a private school, even though the money is less, because the class sizes are smaller and you're not as much at the whim of the state and local governments insofar as whether you will be furloughed or laid off or whatnot when budget time comes around. I know I have at least three really good recommendations in my file, probably a decent one from my advisor, and who knows what from my final mentor. At the very least, I'll continue to sub, and that could lead to something else eventually. If not, it will still pay the student loan bills. The sunny side of subbing-only is that there would be no evening work to do, like lesson planning or grading, unlike having my own class. It will be really hard to watch classmates of mine get a job if I don't, because it will probably feel like a personal rejection, and I will have to figure out how to deal with that if it happens. I love my classmates, and will be lifelong friends with many of them, so I'm genuinely hoping that they get jobs. I don't want to be left behind when I worked so hard and wanted it so badly, although after the last semester I have to admit that I'm not sure I want it as badly as I did when I started the program. I have to focus on not taking it personally, staying positive, and trusting that what is meant to be, will be.

I'm taking it one day at a time while I get some perspective on the entire program, and planning my next move.

Not sure if I'm going to return to this blog or not yet, but I do miss hearing from everyone, and I've been lurking on a lot of your blogs for awhile now to catch up. I have no idea whether anyone is still looking here or not, and that's OK, too. :)

Woosh!

2010-10-21T18:04:00.002-04:00

I am SO stressed out. I have a million things to do for school, my home life schedule is crazy now, and on top of it all, my mother is coming tomorrow through Monday. PLUS, we just found out that sometime soon DH is going to have to go to NE for two weeks. Holy shit.

Being in the school is awesome, though! I love being in the classroom, and the kids totally accept me as Someone. I've definitely seen Some Shit, though, and it's only been four days. I'm in the closest thing to am inner-city school that we have around here, and there's a lot of poverty, a surprising amount of homelessness, and all the stuff that goes along with it. On the one hand, it's hard seeing it all, but on the other, I love being in the middle of it, knowing that the time I'm with these kids could really make a difference in their lives. So, it's all good from that aspect.

The only stressful thing so far is all the requirements I have raining down on me from my university. We have to be evaluated six ways to Sunday, and we have to turn in lesson plans for everything we teach, whether we're the ones making up the lesson or not, in the school-approved software format, meaning I'm going to have to take everything I touch and re-do it in this awful format that no one in the real world uses. On top of all that, my mentor teacher has been doing these lessons long enough that she doesn't USE the lesson plans anymore, she just goes with what she knows, so if she can't find the actual copy of the lesson, I'm going to totally have to re-create the wheel every time I do anything. Since I'm taking over one subject a week, each week I'll have to re-create five lessons (after the first week, we don't have to put it in that format anymore, but we still have to turn them in, so I'm going to have to have SOMETHING to turn in, although I'll be able to use an easier format) each week. Plus the work my classes are still assigning. Plus actually doing the teaching, plus running the study group for my community service project one before-school morning a week. Yeah. Holy crap.

So, I have ton of work to do, and my mother is going to be here all weekend. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that, really. I honest-to-God don't have time to have a houseguest, even one that I'd actually enjoy, never mind one I don't want to be here. She hasn't even gotten here yet, and she's whined every time she's called to whoever answers the phone about how she 'feels bad' that DH has to drive all over creation to get her, and she knows how busy we are, etc. If she feels so damn bad, why is she still coming?! She invites herself here every spring and fall, parks herself on the couch, and does nothing but wait to have someone tell her to do something. I wanted to tell her to just stay home, if she feels so bad, because I'm not going to lie and tell her that we're thrilled that she's coming, but I bit my tongue. I'm so stressed out, though, that if she pulls that crap while she's actually here (which is almost guaranteed), I'm not sure I'm going to be able to hold it together. So, stay tuned, there may be fireworks a-comin'.

Off to do my TWO assignments for my hateful literacy instruction class. All the other classes have stopped giving us regular weekly busywork, but not her. On top of everything else, we still have to watch online videos and answer questions that are just like the ones that come in the back of those useless textbooks (How did you know that the students were engaged in the lesson? Explain.) from when we were kids. They're easy, but time-consuming!!

Freedom!

2010-10-13T15:15:00.002-04:00

I just got home from my last student session for the semester! I am officially through with sitting through boring powerpoints and dealing with egomaniac math professors! I'm FREE!!

I had an exam today in my science instruction class, which seemed really easy so I'm not worried about it (plus she adds a bunch of extra credit to the scores to give us credit for all the busywork junk we do in the classroom, so I already have about 7 points added onto a 50-point exam, nice). I barely studied for it, because I was so burned out after nailing myself to the wall over the second math exam. I spent all last weekend and a chunk of Monday staring at my endless stack of flashcards with math facts and theories.

BUT, it was TOTALLY WORTH IT, because I got 267 points out of 270!!! Woohoo!!! If that's not the top score in the class, it's close enough that I don't care. PLUS, that totally makes up for how badly I did on the first exam (213/270), and along with the one other grade we've gotten back (professional journal article reviews, almost everyone got 80/80, total cheesecake assignment) I'm up to a 90. YES!!! My 4.0 may be salvaged after all!!! As long as I get any kind of A at all on the rest of the assignments, which are a case study, a math center, and a lesson plan, I'm still in line to keep The Number. I'm not really worried about getting As on those, because projects are a lot easier to do well on for me than exams and we have to go over what we're doing with our classroom mentor teacher, anyway, so it's not like I can totally bomb.

As of today, I get to start doing the fun stuff! Lesson plans and centers and actual child interaction, oh, my!!! I haven't had time to even think about those until now. :) I can't wait!

Back Again

2010-10-10T19:59:00.002-04:00

Hello there! I haven't been here in quite awhile! I've been so swamped with things to do that I can barely even look at my computer unless it's to do schoolwork lately. I've wanted to come back, but just couldn't. With our new schedules, I get up at 5:30 to get everyone ready and off to school, and by the time I finish reading with Josie at 9:30 or 10, I'm ready to fall into bed. DH and I generally meet in our room when I'm done, and don't even come back downstairs anymore.

My school is going pretty well. I have As in all my classes except math instruction, which is like hell on earth. The professor, S, had us buy a book that isn't a textbook at all, but rather a collection of math activities that we could conceivably use in a classroom one day, but which has no bearing on the material we're supposed to learn in class. He spends about six hours a session vomiting math garbage on us, while we furiously write down everything he says. The problem with this is if we miss a class, or he stumbles or misspeaks, we have almost no recourse because there's no book to look things up in, and whenever he feels like it, he renames a method after himself!!! I'm not kidding - so far we have the S method for factoring, two that he's named after his wife (the J methods), the S method for solving story problems, and so on. This makes things even worse because if we're confused after we get home, we can't look it up online, either! Also, his exams are the kind that are made to purposefully trick you, for instance if we don't have a definition written exactly the way he thinks he said it in class, it's wrong and we get points off for every word he changes. We've had one exam so far, and most of the class got Cs or below. In grad school, a C is pretty much like failing. I got a 79, which almost made me even more mad than if I'd gotten something lower, because it was so close to a B. We have another exam on Tuesday, and I've been furiously studying, but I'm not sure how much difference it will make, because I studied like mad for the last one, too and it didn't do me (or most other people) any good.

Really, the best news is that after this week, I'll be back to student teaching! I can't wait to get out of my classes and into the school again. I have to do a community service project, so once a week for the rest of the semester (or year, if it goes well) I will be holding an after-school story and activity time for first and second graders. I'm a little nervous about whether I'll get enough children to make it a real success, but we'll see what happens; if there aren't enough, I might open it up to other grades as well, although that would be challenging. My mentor teacher said that the principal and VPs had a really good opinion of me, which makes me feel happy and confident about going back.

Josie just got her first middle school report card, and she got a special certificate with it because she got all As in her merit classes! She's doing better this year than she ever has, and has almost perfect averages in four classes. I love that the teachers at the school she's at send weekly emails with the scoring updates for all her work, so there are no surprises, and if she's missed something when she's sick we immediately. She's been sick a few days, I suppose because of the new mix of kids is introducing new germs for her to fight off. The other big news for her is that we let her get contacts on Friday. She's been wanting them for a long time, and I decided to let her get them because she can't wear her glasses during karate, and I know from experience that that stinks. We were planning on not having her wear the contacts to school, but the acclimation schedule that the eye doctor gave her really means that we have to let her wear them there while she's getting used to them, and while I was nervous at that idea at first, she's taken to them like a fish to water! She has no problem getting them in and out, and the solution they gave her cleans them for her, so there's no scrubbing or anything. They're two-month disposables, but the pair she has right now is a free trial pair; we'll go back on Friday to get her actual prescription (I don't understand how that works, that they gave her some approximation or something? she can see fine with them now, so I don't know what they're going to do) and buy a supply to have on hand. I was shocked at how much less expensive they are now than when I wore them in my 20s - $15 a box! That's less expensive than glasses, for heaven's sake! We still got her a new pair of glasses, because her prescription changed, but hopefully we'll be able to use them more as a backup and not get them updated every year anymore.

Patrick is liking his new school a lot. He goes to aftercare, which is working out nicely - they go on field trips once every couple of weeks! He's going to be in beforecare once I start student teaching, but only for a short time, like 15 minutes or so, because I'm technically supposed to be at my school at the same time as when he can be dropped off now. My mentor teacher said that I don't have to worry about it, but I don't want to be The Intern Who Was Always Late. I'd rather be The One Who's Always Around when it comes time to apply for jobs, you know? :) The curriculum in his magnet program is great, and he seems to be really challenged now. They have palm pilots (which they call little computers) for each student, and they use them a lot at their seats, and he has spelling words like stingray and jealous.

Dh finally got hired at a new company, and starts next week, on the same day I start student teaching. He got a raise, but best of all will be able to work from home a few days a week. This will cut down on the rushed feeling a *lot* because he'll be able to pick up Patrick right after school on karate days, or at least that's the plan.

That's all the basic news. Next time (tomorrow, hopefully) I'll talk about the upset that's been going on surrounding my IL's 50th anniversary planning. I think it's OK now, but who knows.

Dear School Non-Information Professionals

2010-08-13T12:42:00.003-04:00

Dear Patrick's New School Secretary,

When I called the other day to find out when back to school night is, you informed me that I hadn't gotten a letter with 'important information' because his old school hadn't sent you all of his paperwork yet. Hmm. Number One, I kind of think that the fact that you're missing paperwork on my boy IS important information all on its own, don't you?? You maybe could have called me about that. Second, he's registered there, he's got a teacher, he's been doing summer homework - I would say he's already a student there; why on earth do you need some piece of paper from his old school to trigger your sending me this VIP info? Is it super-secret, all-forms-filled-out-only information? Do I need a secret decoder ring to read it? Don't worry - I definitely didn't spend last night awake worrying that somehow my boy wasn't registered ANYWHERE anymore. Also, I like how you're secure enough in your job that you could take off the Friday before school starts, and leave someone who knows NOTHING about your job sitting at your desk to greet me when I come in, as directed, to fill in whatever presidential paperwork needs to be done. It's good that in this economy, you're able to say, screw it, all the parents dealing with last-minute Important Paperwork can just take a number. When your startled replacement finally finished stemmering repeatedly that she had no idea what she was doing, and actually LOOKED, she found the list of kids in magnet, and found my boy's file, and from what we could figure out, it looked like you had been missing the HEALTH FORM from his old school, which is now in there (the check mark on the file list was in a different color than the other items). You needed a HEALTH FORM in order to send me the first day of school info?! I hope you were out today so you could take a prioritization class, or maybe seeing some sort of ~~mental~~ health professional yourself.

Thanks for the wasted gas,
Why Do I Bother

Dear School Transportation Department,

One of my goals today was to find out about Josie's bus schedule. I looked online, but the local paper had the information link wrong, and when I finally got to the school site, the school had a list of thirty bus numbers to wade through with no identifying information/searchable content. Yes, I could have clicked on every single link, but if the first one was any indication, each bus has several routes it runs, and it was tremendously confusing. So, I called the phone number you helpfully provided on the website. When you answered, you asked if I had looked online, and I explained my dilemma. You then asked if I had driven over to the school and looked. I replied, 'No; I suppose I could drive over there rather than asking you on the phone right now.' Your answer: 'That would be good, because we're busy.' Wha??? Let me get this straight: you gave me your number so I could call you, and then get told to get in my car and drive across town, rather than simply looking in your computer and answering my question? By the time we went through all that, you could have probably looked it up twice over! What do we pay you for, again? You should talk to the school secretary (see above) - she may have information on a prioritization class for you. But only if you've sent her the correct forms.

Again With the Wasted Gas,
Confounded

Enough

2010-08-09T16:28:00.002-04:00

DH has been looking for a new job for awhile now. It's not that his current job is in danger, at the moment, but that they're total asshats. Three times they've promised him bonuses of varying sizes, from the $10k one that turned out to be $500 (which they then bumped up to $1k because his manager threw a fit), and two other ones that never appeared at all. It's not just him, either - everyone is treated the same, and as a result, people are leaving in droves. On his project alone, two people left the other week, one is in final negotiations with a company, and DH and another guy are looking. The only one who is planning on staying is the guy who was only hired about six months ago, because you're kind of stuck for at least a year.

So far, DH has had three serious bites from companies. One fell through, and I was kind of happy about that, because I just wasn't getting good vibes, but two others have been strong. He's had two interviews with one, and three with the other. The second with #1 and the third with #2 were both last week, and both with senior VP-type people. Since then, silence.

On the one hand, it's not bad, because at least it's not a No. But on the other, WTF?! It's been a week. Hauling someone in for interview after interview, I think, increases your responsibility to them, because they've repeatedly taken time off to come over there, aka used vacation time to see you rather than family. I think that deserves at least SOME kind of follow-up, especially when the entire time you've spent with the interviewee has been with everyone saying how impressive the person is and how much everyone has said they like him.

More, though, I think my frustration is broader than just this scenario. No one seems to feel beholden to anyone anymore; there's no common sense of dignity. When I'm out shopping and say have to pass by where someone is looking, I always say 'pardon me' as I pass by, but 90% of the time, the person doesn't acknowledge me at all. Very frequently, someone passing in front of me will stop RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME to look at what I was looking at without saying a word, like I'm not even there! Cashiers wait on the person behind me before I even finish signing the receipt. Even at my church, there are people who do exactly what they feel like doing, regardless of how they make other people feel, or allow their children to be incredibly rude (what is it with people speaking for their children all the time? When I say 'hi, that's a nice dress' to a 6yo child, I want the child to say hello back, not the mom to answer for them or start making conversation with me to cover up for the fact that they haven't taught their kid basic manners!). Companies think it's OK to screw over anyone they want, and outright lie to employees.

I know this is nothing new, really, but most times I can grit my teeth and do my best to ignore all the taking-advantage-of. Maybe it's the heat finally getting to me, like the last straw.

Unicorn Poop

2010-08-08T18:55:00.003-04:00

First, let me say, I am DONE with school for THREE WEEKS! Hooray!!! I got all A's this semester, and I'm thrilled and all, but woohoo!!! Time off!

Anyhoo...

We finally had to break down and buy the dogs hypoallergenic food. Delilah is trying to get another ear infection - this would be her fourth - and the vet said if she got another one we should try her on a different food, because recurrent ear infections can be a sign of a food allergy. Great. You all know that there are no normal dog foods that have no grains in them, right? We had to go to the pet store, not the grocery store, and not only that, but we had to go to That Aisle of the store. The aisle where dollar signs drip from the shelves like chow from a torn bag. Crap-a-doodle.

It turns out that all the foods are about the same price once you get to that echelon of pet food - approximately $50 for a 25lb bag. Oh. Mah. GAWD. We go through about 20lbs of chow a week between the two dogs, and there's no way we can feed them different things. Dog food just became its own line item on my imaginary budget.

We settled on Blue Buffalo brand, which I believe is made out of golden geese, the loch ness monster, and little brown pebble things that I think are unicorn poops. At this point, the dogs may be getting better nutrition than we are. It's certainly more magically delicious.

To make it worse, there was a peppy sales person who was actually FROM the Blue Buffalo company stalking the aisle, and I swear she's related to that woman on the Progressive Insurance company, you know, that crazy bump-haired woman in white? She stalked us with wide-eyed sincerity, and even loaded the bag we eventually bought into our cart. It was weird and annoying. I mean, it was bad enough that we're spending our life savings on dog food without a perky woman practically taking it out of our wallets right then and there.

However, I do have to say that after eating their first meal of the Blessed Chow, both dogs are running around the house like they've just eaten rocket fuel. Unicorn turds are tasty, apparently. Also, it's supposed to make them poop less because there are no fillers in it at all. Less dog logs sounds good to me - do you have any idea how much 170 (combined) pounds of dog can serve out? They're like log cabins for moles.

If these new platinum crunchies cure Delilah's ear infections, the money will be worth it, and probably financially come out in the wash, if you figure in what we were spending on vet visits and medicines, not to mention that she still runs and hides when she sees me come into the bedroom at night because I've had to put so many drops in her ears at bedtime. If it doesn't, we'll be meeting you back in the regular dog food aisle, where my debit card doesn't burst into flames upon entry.

Hypocritical

2010-07-24T19:14:00.002-04:00

As of today, I finished the work for my fourth class! Hooray!

When I step back, one thing I find interesting about this program is that it doesn't necessarily practice what it preaches. For one thing, we get very little feedback on our work, if any at all. I know that's partly due to the accelerated time frame; the longest we've spent with any one professor is eight sessions (which was still 32 hours). Still, I could count on one hand the number of things I've submitted that have been returned to me, and of those, every one was a minor in-class assessment. In one class, ironically one of the longer ones, we got NOTHING back. Zero. Zilch. The professor, who was great, even took our addresses so he could send us back our journals with comments. They've never arrived, and it's been over a month. I see that I got an A in the class, so I assume that I was on the right track, but I'm a person who really values that input. Work that we do online might as well have been thrown into an abyss, for all I know. I hate that! I know, as a grad student, I shouldn't need a lot of hand holding, but for heaven's sake, not one returned project? Even our 40min presentations went ungraded! Surely there was something that could have used improvement, some area where I was on the money, and a few extra things I could be thinking about for next time? The program stresses 'give feedback to your students, be interactive with your students, don't just talk at them all the time'. The time we spent with my last professor, all we did was sit in our seats and get information crammed down our throats as fast as she could say it, from 5-9:30, with a seven minute break each night to gasp for air (literally, 7 minutes, I don't know what that was about). I just saw that the soon-to-be-replaced program director (who still appears to be teaching one of our courses in the fall, unfortunately - she's the one who was completely unresponsive about all of my admissions paperwork being messed up) will be using straight-out testing based on chapters in a book on instructing math. We have been told countless times in the last two months NOT to evaluate students based solely on standard tests, but apparently that's what we're going to be subjected to - rote learning and regurgitation. Interesting. On the one hand, we're grad students, adults (some much younger than others), and we should be able to force ourselves to learn without as much light and magic as we'll use with our elementary students, but on the other, if brain-based-learning research has shown that people remember concepts much more clearly when they're connected to meaningful discourse and emotional reactions, *and* at the grad level we should be more than capable of higher thinking, shouldn't these professors be modeling what we should be doing ourselves instead of providing a catalog of do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do?

Also, I heard a lovely gem from the diversity professor the other night. She told us that on her first job, the principal walked into the staff room on the first day and commented that she loved walking into a room of lovely teachers, and because of that she didn't hire ugly women. The prof said that they all just looked around the room at each other, not knowing what to say. THEN she told us that this person is still a principal in our county! So, on top of everything else, bad job market, tightening budgets, schools closing or being consolidated, NOW I have to be pretty?! I'm sorry, people, but I am not pretty. I can be occasionally cute, and charming, but pretty is not on my list. I've had two kids, I'm pushing 40, and my ass isn't getting any smaller. Nope. Plus, and I know she's right about this, men get hired for teaching positions almost before they apply, because there's such a shortage of male figures in schools. I can't pull that one off, either, due to a serious (thankful) shortage in the penis department. So... I'm going to be teaching myself hypnosis to use in job interviews. It'll be my ace in the less-attractive, decidedly penis-less hole.

My one good piece of news is that the people at the board of ed know who I am, through almost no action of my own. Last year, when I wasn't getting many calls to sub, I talked a few times to Melanie, the woman in charge of the system, and she was really nice. The other day, I called in to RSVP for the annual sub training, and out of the blue she said, 'I didn't know you were getting your MAT - the woman in charge of clearances came down yesterday to check who was on my list as already having one, and I saw your name!' I was really excited. She remembered me! That has to be a good thing, right?

Also in the good department - after this coming week, I get most of the month of August off!

The Not-so-Straight Poop

2010-07-13T15:00:00.002-04:00

Yea and verily, there was much rejoicing at my house this morning, for there is no break in my pipe!!!! The city got here at around 7:30 this morning to scope out the sewer (again, amazingly prompt and courteous service, I have never experienced such anything like it) with their cameras, and came all the way into our yard up to our back stoop. All they found was that there's some nastiness caked onto the pipes in at least one spot, and that our main line looks like a bunch of macaroni noodles strung together. There are enough bends and turns in that thing to make a poop slalom, but other than that we're fine. Eventually, we will probably want to have it taken up and replaced with a straighter line, but that's WAAAAAY down the road for us financially. The city suggested that we have a special cleaning treatment that uses basically a water-blaster come through and scour our line, which I had done this afternoon, and he said that when he was finished, he went out to the city sewer line and listened, and he could hear his water line emptying into the city's pipe. He said that although our line will probably need to be replaced eventually because there is one "belly" in it where water collects, we should be fine for a long time. For the moment, we'll be keeping it to using tp that's extremely biodegradable (which I'm not thrilled about as far as my behind is concerned, but if it's going to save me a few grand, I'll suffer) and not flushing ANYTHING, EVER. No "toilet-friendly" butt wipes (which he said were the worst thing ever invented as far as your pipes, BTW), no tampons, no nothing.

There's a little voice in my head that's still worried that this hasn't really done it, that somehow something will still be wrong, in that way that things can still mysteriously be broken even when by all rights they should be perfect, like when you go to the doctor and they pronounce you physically well, and say it's all in your head. I guess I'm concerned that my pipe could still have some kind of neurosis, especially after yesterday's horrible scare. The roto-rooter guy today also told me that unless something's changed, the city is responsible for anything under the road, which directly contradicts what the city guy told my plumber yesterday, so I don't know where all that would have really wound up had we had to go that far, but I don't want to even think about it. I *am* a little annoyed that I have to pay the guy who was here yesterday a pile of money when all he did was scrape and scope over and over again and ended up making no contribution whatsoever to the actual fix, but he was a nice guy, and I'm assuming the main problem is that he'd never seen bendy pipes, so he assumed it was water that was making everything so dark rather than the twisting angles. He wasn't trying to screw me, or else he wouldn't have told me to call the city at all. He did leave a lot of his stuff here, though, in anticipation of needing to come back later on in the week, so I guess I'll be seeing him again soon and we can figure out what I owe him then. Sigh. Still, we spent way less than we would have had we gone ahead and relined the pipes, and certainly thousands less than the worst-case scenario, so I'm still grateful. Funny how you can feel relieved that something was, in the end, "only" about $1k to fix.

So, we have a crooked, but well-cleaned, geriatric poop chute. Owning an old house is a lot like being old yourself - you find yourself openly discussing the grossest things with other people like it was everyday polite conversation. Think of me as Grandma Astarte, sharing my personal woes with you during Thanksgiving dinner - it's gross at the time, but the info might just come in handy someday.

Scared, but Not Crapless

2010-07-12T16:00:00.002-04:00

Well, the pipe liner guy (who clears out pipes, and then inserts stuff inside them that hardens into a pipe liner, effectively a new pipe) was here all day, and we are no better off than we were before he got here. In fact, the water is more backed up than it was when I got up this morning. He said that it will trickle down through the main line, that it got filled with water when he ran the pipe cleaner machine because he ran water down while he was cleaning the pipe in hopes it would rinse away the block when he came to it. Since he didn't manage to clear what's blocked, or even find the main blockage, all the water he ran down there has to trickle out into the city pipe past whatever is beyond what he's found.

At one point during the day, he said that we should call the city, because he was starting to think that it wasn't in our pipe at all, but in the city sewer somehow, so I did, and - the only bright point of my day - they were here in TEN MINUTES. It was astonishing, and I'm so grateful that they came right away. They flushed out the city pipe from the manhole area near our house, and said that tomorrow they'll be back to use a camera and see if they can see what's going on on their end, in case it *is* them, and they'll be able to see into our line as well.

Here's the scary part - the guy painted a line from our pipe into the middle of the street, where it connects to the city pipe. He said that if, for some reason, our pipe under the road has to be dug up, we have to pay for it. I don't know how much money that means, but I'm guessing it's a LOT, like $10-15k. I'm terrified. That would only happen if the pipe under there is smashed up so badly that the liner guy can't get the liner through it *at all*. Still, the fact that it's an option scares the bejesus out of me, it really does. We don't have that kind of money, and even to put it on credit would probably strain our finances to the breaking point. I literally don't know what we'd do. I still have ten months of grad school where I will be unable to bring in money, plus even if I'm fortunate enough to get hired to a job right away, my pay won't start coming in until the school year starts, so we're over a year away from me bringing in a paycheck. Technically, I can max out my student loans and get the money from that, but if I don't get a job right away, it'll only delay the problem while building interest.

The liner guy said that the next step for him will be to hear what the city scoping guys say tomorrow, and if they don't find anything on their end, he'll bring in a guy that does cleaning with some kind of jet, like the city uses, that should dislodge anything in its path and completely clear out anything in a way that the spinner thing can't.

The thing is, if the street-dig ends up being our only option, why is it that the city can take ten feet of our property for public works - take our entire HOME if it's in the way, like they did with our last house, and force us out - but if we have a problem in a pipe that's under a city street, WE have to pay for it, even if the pipe isn't on our property, because it connects to our house? Why is it always this way? And why is it that things always seem to go from bad to worse? Please, please, can't we catch a break (and I don't mean one in our pipe), just this one time?

Playing Hookey

2010-07-11T14:33:00.003-04:00

How can you tell when a child was homesick?

She comes home with presents for her BROTHER! And then gives him huge HUGS! :) Ah, it warmed the heart. Funny thing was, he wasn't anywhere near as excited to see her, which made me laugh a little since it's usually him that's hugging her and not getting much of a reaction, not the other way around. She was so sweet, though, and brought him a t-shirt and some shark teeth. Also, she only bought presents for him, which I thought was interesting. I didn't want her to buy things for me, obviously, but I thought it was funny that the only person she got stuff for was the one who annoys her the most. :)

She had a great time, and since she was supposed to get home a lot later than she actually did (she was home by 9:30 versus the after-midnight we had been told to expect), I had already told my SIL Kathy that it would only be DH and Patrick at my niece's 20th birthday party yesterday afternoon. I figured, why ruin a good thing?! We still didn't go. I felt a tad bit guilty, but really, it saved me a loooooooong afternoon with people (ie her parents) who make me so nervous that I end up sick to my stomach, and it's not like my niece cared who was there; DH said that all her friends were there so she didn't hang out with the family, anyway. She didn't even open the presents before people needed to get going! Honestly, I keep thinking that at some point, the girl might develop some manners, but it's not looking too likely. Last year, for the first time, we didn't get her anything at all other than a card that we sent down, because there wasn't a family get-together and we have never once gotten any appreciation for anything we've ever bought for her. This year, since there was a party, we had to bring something, but I lucked out because last week Office Max was having a promotion where if you spent $100 in printer supplies, you got a $25 iTunes gift card free, so I did, and that's what she got. We needed new ink in every color, anyway, so I just bought two combo packs so I'll have more on hand rather than going to the store again next time. Done, and done.

So, while DH and Patrick were off at the Event, Josie and I stayed home, snuggled on the couch, and watched To Kill A Mockingbird, and then we made homemade mac and cheese. It was lovely. No nutty relatives, no stress, and no bugs, just me and my girl and our various furry pets. It was lovely. I have missed only *maybe* one other family event in the last thirteen years, and frankly, it may be time to start missing a few more.

The Most Embarrassing Thing EVER

2010-07-06T14:11:00.003-04:00

So. Today I have been kicking ass and not even taking the time to ask any names. Josie is away, and Patrick has day camp this week (Lego Robot Modeling Camp, where they use computer software to design robots and then use Legos to build said bots! How cool is THAT?!), so I am on my own for the first time in over a month. Does that translate into a spa day for mommy? Where I kick off my sandals, grab the organic cheese poofs, and watch a marathon of House Hunters International?

Duh. It means I'm cleaning the house like a madwoman. Hello.

The first thing I did was, of course, call Roto-Rooter, who said they'd be out between 11-2, and the main line repair guy, who said he'd be here on Thursday. Check and double-check. Since then, I've vacuumed the entire house, dusted the whole main level, cleaned the organ and reorganized the sun porch area, organized the cleaning and pet shelves in the pantry, etc etc etc. The RR guy showed up at noon, just after I finished vacuuming, so I got to listen to the drain gurgling and belching for over an hour as I did the other stuff, periodically running over to the sink to make sure nothing had actually erupted out of it. Thank God, nothing did, because I would have FREAKED.

Anyway, the guy came around front and knocked on the door when he was done, and I went out on the front porch to talk to him. He was very nice, and quietly told me that he had cleared out the clog, and there had been a LOT of tampons in there that he got out.

Hear that cracking sound? That's me, falling through the front porch because it caught on fire due to the fact that I was in FLAMES OF MORTIFICATION. I'm standing on my porch, listening to a stranger discuss how he fished my used tampons out of our sewer line. Oh. My. God. Have I mentioned that I'm actually dead right now, and am writing because I came back to life as a HORRIFIED ZOMBIE?

I tried to maintain my composure. I apologized for how awful that must have been, cleared my throat about fifteen times, and asked him if he would like some ice water or some tea in what was probably a very squeaky voice. He said that he had Gatorade in the car, but I'm sure what he was thinking was, 'Are you kidding me? I just fished your Red Tide Canoes out of your drain! I never want to see you again!'

I can't say I blame him.

He also said that our pipe doesn't appear to be broken, but it does look like it has a sagging spot. I don't know what that will mean for the guy who's coming on Thursday, but I'm hoping it doesn't mean that we'll have to have the yard dug up and the whole pipe replaced rather than relined. Cross your fingers that we're OK on that front.

Also, send brains. That's what we zombies eat, right? And my own brain has probably exploded.

Money Down the Drain

2010-07-05T16:48:00.003-04:00

It's baa-aaack. That noise in our sinks every time we flush a toilet. Oh, no.

In case you don't remember, about a year ago, we had a similar sound, which led within weeks to sewage backing up into the downstairs shower. Back then, we went through American Home Shield, who referred a plumbing outfit to us that first said that we had a root problem in the main line, which AHS doesn't cover, and then amended their opinion to say that it was a problem with a collapsed pipe (our house is old, so we have clay pipes) in the foundation, for which they wanted to charge us the exact same amount. Now, digging up the back yard and laying new pipe doesn't seem to me to be at the same level as simply fixing a pipe that was supposedly busted less than a foot down in the foundation, but by this time we were over a barrel because we couldn't use any of the bathrooms, so we had to pay them to get us back to functional.

Of course, a year later, here we are again, because obviously it *was* roots, but they blew those out with the initial scope and it's taken a year or so for them to grow back; they basically did the least amount of work possible to get us working again and then drove off down the road, probably laughing. Since then, we've amended our coverage with AHS, covering only electrical, because our 100yo home has ancient wiring, plaster walls and I'm sure lead paint. We pay $15/mo, which works for me, and basically know that we'll only go through them if there's a major horror show emergency, like a life insurance policy you hope you never have to use.

Anyhow, the other week the gurgling began again, and a friend referred me to a plumber, who very kindly referred me to someone else who he thought would be able to help me more, a guy who does main-line re-surfacing (it's basically a balloon thing they put in your old pipe, inflate, and allow to dry into a new pipe) that's impermeable to roots, etc, and best of all, your yard doesn't get dug up. THAT guy, Matt, was relocating his business and so was tied up for a week, so he suggested that we call Roto-Rooter to blow out anything in the line, which would buy at least a few weeks, and then call him back to schedule the re-do. Well, after Roto-Rooter came, things were working so well, we crossed our fingers that we might get another year out of things, at which time maybe I would be working and we'd have more money, so I didn't call Matt back.

Of course, it's a holiday weekend, and last night, literally as we were on our way out the door to the fireworks, the downstairs toilet flushed, gave a mighty belch, and everything that had just gone down came floating back up. It finally went back down, and a few hours later when I tried to flush it (empty, obviously) it worked OK, but we haven't used it since, and are trying not to use water-return things in the house today - the dishwasher, washing machine, showers - in an effort to limp through until I can call RR back tomorrow. We're still in the 30-day window when they'll come back out for free, thankfully. Then, my next call will be to Matt, to see when he can get out here and fix our main line pipe.

On the one hand, I'm glad it will be done, because I've had a feeling that the plumbers from last year screwed up in not replacing the line. It will be nice to get it over with and know that it's not on the table anymore.

On the other, I'm so sick of things coming up like this all the time. It never fails. I had a surplus from my student loans, about $3k, that I put towards credit card debt. We're so close to being paid off. (Yes, I'm using loan surplus money to pay off debt, because we're allowed to take some out for living expenses, and I figure our credit debt is less than a year living on-campus, and it's trading "bad debt" for permanent-low-fixed-rate good debt that I can claim on my taxes. It's fair, especially considering a bunch of what's on my card is the cost of the community college classes from last year, which I got no aid for.) OK, so $3k I used to pay off some debt. Guess what a new main line costs? About $3k. Yes, yes, I see the glass half-full side, but I'm TIRED of that side. This has happened every time I've gotten any money from anywhere, my entire life. Tax returns year after year have gone to car problems, house problems, Josie's spacer/retainer. Every year. The closer we get to paying things off, the more aggressive the cosmos seems to be in throwing things at us. This is two years in a row of massive plumbing expense. Why can't I just once have a windfall without an emergency situation coming up? We've tried so hard for YEARS to get out of debt that we've had since we got married, and every time I see light at the end of the tunnel something happens and we get screwed back to where we were, if not a little further down. I swear, if I didn't know better, I'd think there were gnomes working for credit card companies following us around and vandalizing our lives.

Sigh. Cross your fingers that nothing explodes out of my downstairs bathroom before I can call someone in to start the repair process. Again.

Missing One

2010-07-02T13:26:00.002-04:00

Josie is finishing up a week of karate day camp today. She's worked really hard on her kata, and is testing for three stripes today. Ordinarily, such an achievement would lead to our taking her out to dinner or at least for an ice cream, but today when we pick her up, we'll be taking her straight to her friend H's house, along with a suitcase, instead. She's been invited to go with H (who is an only child other than a few grown step-siblings) and her family to Myrtle Beach, SC, for the next week. They're leaving at around 3am tomorrow in hopes of getting past DC and well into VA before the real traffic of the weekend begins. I'm not sure how long it will take them to get there, but I imagine it will be until evening.

This isn't the first time we've let her go away with another family - when she was 7 we let her to go Disney with her best friend's family for a week because her friend was, again, the only young child, and we knew we weren't going to be able to afford to go anytime soon, if ever. We're also completely comfortable with the family she's going away with - H is a very nice, polite child and her parents are extremely involved, and if anything H is overprotected, so I'm not worried about their ability to care for Josie for a week. Plus, Josie is a smart girl, and isn't a source of trouble for anyone no matter who she's with, so I'm confident to let her be with other families.

Still, now that the moment's here, I'm freaking out a little. I know things will probably be fine, and she will stay safe, and there's nothing for me to worry about. That's the rational me. The irrational me has been trying very hard not to think about car pileups and middle-of-the-night phone calls and kidnappings and drownings. I know this all links back to my nephew's death. Before Ryan died so suddenly, and in such a freak-accident way, I wasn't really a person who imagined the nearly-unimaginable, but now that the unimaginable has happened I find myself frightened of the smallest things where the kids are concerned. It took me a long time after he died to feel comfortable with them out of my sight overnight. I was basically OK last year when she went with a friend's family to a local commercial camping ground for a week, because there was almost no driving, and it was close enough that I could get there easily if anything happened. MB, though, is a long ways away if anything should happen, and a very long drive on a holiday weekend when thousands of other people will be traveling as well.

Still, in with the good air and out with the bad air. I know I need to let her do things, and she's so fearless. I don't want to pass on my worries to her. She's getting older, and I want to encourage her sense of freedom and adventure, both because I think it's good for her and because deep down, I hope giving her more room will cause her to rebel less violently later. I was so constricted as a child, and I want something completely different for her. Even if I will miss her beyond words (especially after barely seeing her this week because of camp), and might need to practice my deep breathing with a paper bag. She's so amazing, and I want to let her fly.

New Babies

2010-06-28T19:33:00.005-04:00

Just over two weeks ago, we adopted two 8wk-old babies:

Meet Clover...

...and Jax

We were looking at the humane society website, and their process is always so long and difficult, at least in this area, that I decided to look in the paper as well, and as luck would have it, a woman had listed kittens, free to good home, and a phone number. I called, and we went over that evening. Her neighbor had found a litter abandoned in her barn, no mother in sight, when the kittens were about two weeks old. The woman had taken them in, and had bottle fed them until they were ready for real food. They're just adorable, and we decided to take them both! We didn't want to tell the kids they had to pick one, because the fighting would have started as to which one we should take, and besides, since they're littermates, and opposite sexes, we're pretty sure they won't have a problem with each other when they get bigger, especially since they will both be losing their card-carrying gender identities shortly.

Jax thinks he's a dog. He even eats cheese poofs!

Of course, being random kittens, they were a mess - ear mites, kitten lice (thank GOD lice don't wander inter-species, because EEWWWW) and the usual worms, but they're clear of the big problems (feline HIV and leukemia) that they could have inherited from their mother, which I didn't even think about at the time. PHEW.

Yes, this is Clover climbing over Baci's paws to eat his new bone right under his face.

We brought them home and made their home base Josie's room, so they could start small, and slowly allowed them to roam the house. We put up the giant baby gate across the bottom of the stairs so the dogs have to stay down here unless we're with them, and the kittens can come and go as they please. Soon we'll move their dishes and box out of Josie's room, but for the moment it's the best place to keep them, because we can shut them in there when we're gone, or at night, and know that they have everything they need in a place where the dogs can't visit the Kitty Box Buffet. It's their favorite restaurant. Blecch.

Hey, I can get this water back later, right?

More, Please

2010-06-27T13:53:00.002-04:00

I finished my first two classes for grad school this past week. I can't believe they're done already; the month went by so fast. It seems crazy that we could do an entire course in a month, but because we meet for 4hrs at a time, 4wksx8hrs=32 hrs, which is the regular number of hours a course would meet in an entire semester. My next class, intro to special ed, is only three days long, but it's a 1-credit class, and we'll still get in 12hrs of instruction. I don't understand why we're only spending one credit on special ed, when every single class has children with special needs in it, and I wish there was at least one entire full-length course on it, but I suppose that we will probably address special needs instruction through our other courses as well, so maybe the one-credit class will focus on classroom issues and identification, IEPs, and working with parents and leave the rest to the other courses. We had the professor who designed the MAT program as an instructor this past session, and he's a genius, so I guess I should trust his judgment, and wait and see.

One thing I love about being back in school again is rediscovering the feeling that I am a capable individual, that I'm good at something. In the nine years that I've been at home with the kids (OMG, I can't believe it's been that long), I'd gotten so used to not doing anything unique or special (yes, raising children is special, you know what I mean), and not getting noticed for anything other than 'the house looks nice' or 'your children are so smart!' that I forgot that *I'M* smart, too. It feels amazing to actually DO something with my mind, and have someone tell me that what I did was really great, or good job, excellent point, you're really talented at this. Getting that first A on a quiz was like handing a former addict a hit off a mirror - MORE, please. NOW. It was like in The Wizard of Oz, when the color comes on. I'm colorful again! It's not that I think that staying at home with the kids has been not worth my while, or that I'm not going to miss being available to them at all times, just in case, because I'm kind of stressed out about that. It's about my rediscovering my own personality that I've had to shut down in many ways over the past almost-decade, the one that is competitive and project-driven and feedback-oriented. The only feedback I've gotten in years is about laundry and whether the house smells nice, and I learned to get satisfaction from that, but none of that is anything to do with who I am inside. Everyone cleans house, goes to the grocery store, does all the mundane things of everyday life; it doesn't take anything extra to do those things. I've gotten really comfortable in those roles, so much so that I was letting my brain slide into nowhere without even realizing it.

It's not that I think everyone would or is this way, and I mean no disrespect for people who are happy and feel completely fulfilled at home, because it's a great choice *if you choose it*. I never actually chose to stay at home; I was laid off when I was pregnant, and then we couldn't afford daycare for two if I went back, and I had hated what I was doing, anyway, so I stayed at home. I was in grad school when I was laid off, and had to stop 3/4 of the way to an MBA. So, I accepted where we were, and watched DH get *his* grad degree with envious eyes because he didn't even want to go back to school, while all my work slipped away. We realized that my staying at home would be an immeasurable gift to the kids, and so I did it, and I have loved being with them. They have taught me so much, and given me so much, more than I have given them. But, now that they need less of me, I can take those parts of me back, dust them off, and remember how they used to fit into the puzzle that is Me. The greedy part of me is ready for more.

People Who Steal From Kids SUCK

2010-06-26T17:50:00.003-04:00

Josie's bike, the one we got her for her birthday last month, was stolen from our garage sometime after midnight on Friday morning. SUCK. It was her first big-person bike, a 26in sky blue Schwinn 18spd mountain bike. She'd only had it for about five weeks.

We've never had anything stolen like that before, and it totally pisses me off. It also freaks me out just a little. Our garage is detached, and because we're on a corner, it's behind the house but still faces onto the main road. Still, someone walked past our cars (and presumably at least looked in them, too - we usually leave them unlocked as well because there's nothing in them worth stealing), looked around in our garage, and wheeled her bike out down our driveway and into the street. Nothing else was taken - her old bike, her brother's Ben 10 bike, my bike, all the tools, etc were all still there. WTF? Not that I wanted anything else to get ripped off, it's just that really? They stole a young girl's bike? That makes me even *more* mad, because at least if they'd taken mine, *'I* would be the one annoyed, and my baby wouldn't be upset. Yes, we had been leaving the garage door open, and have for almost the whole time we've lived here, because the track is bent a little and the kids can't open and shut it themselves, so it's a pain, but now I guess we'll have to keep is shut, since there's a little thief that's moved in. >:(

I finally decided to call the police, not because I think they're going to find it but because I just wanted them to know it had happened, in case there ends up being a rash of that kind of thing happening so they'll see a pattern. They guy who came out was really nice, gave me his name and number and told me to call in a couple of weeks to see if it ends up in the lost-and-found (we don't have the VIN# on it, so they won't be able to ID it and call us). DH took Josie around the neighborhood to look for it, too, to see if maybe someone had dumped it somewhere, but no. I imagine it's either several blocks away in the alley near some kid's house or, more likely, at a pawn shop so some idiot could get money for booze.

Thankfully, July is a 3-paycheck month, so we'll have some extra money. Josie has camp this coming week, and then is going to SC with a friend's family literally right after camp on Friday, so by the time she gets home we'll have gotten her a new one. Argh. There goes another $160. I know that's not a huge amount of money, but it's still a lot, and not what I was planning on spending money on. When we were at her house today (we had a family thing this afternoon, ugh), my MIL tried to get me to take some bike she'd saved from when my now-20yo niece was Josie's age. Like I'm going to give the kid a ten year old used road bike that's been in a basement for who knows how long as a replacement for a brand-new mountain bike birthday present?! She had actually tried to get me to take it to give to her as the gift in the first place, too. What is she thinking?

So, when DH gets paid next week, that will be me, heading over to Target to pick up another bike so when Josie comes home, she will have her freedom back again. She had been riding all over creation on that thing, and aside from the exercise, I think it was just good for her confidence and sense of self. That's work more than any bike. I just wish if someone was going to take it that they'd waited until she was away, and then I could have replaced it with her none the wiser. The look on her face when she realized it was gone... sigh.

Been Awhile

2010-06-22T10:04:00.002-04:00

Hey there! It's been a loooong time since I was here!!! With all the health stuff that was going on, and school starting, the last month has gone by almost without my noticing. The breathing thing seems to be under control now, with daily prevacid controlling the vocal chord swelling and allergy meds controlling the everything else swelling, the fifth grade graduation project over and the shock and stress of starting grad school over.

I LOVE grad school. LOVE IT. I've never been in a class where not only is everyone smart, but also is genuinely into being there. Always in undergrad, and even in grad classes I've taken before for business programs, there have always been people there who really aren't interested in being there, they're there because they have to be for one reason or another. My first class is over already (an entire semester crammed into three weeks, for cripes sake), and the second class will finish up this Thursday. Then I'll be off until the 5th. Woosh!

I've been practicing lately with leaving Josie alone, since she'll be by herself for 2hrs a day once I start student teaching, and it's fine. She's not nervous or weirded out, it's just me. It feels SO WEIRD to say, 'bye baby, be good, stay indoors, we'll be back soon' and walk off with Patrick to run errands. It's also nice, though. There's no bickering in the car, they get sorely-needed time apart, and I get alone time with Patrick that I've never been able to have before, time that Josie and I had for years before he was born. He's a fun kid, especially when his sister isn't around, because there's no one for him to annoy, so I don't end up annoyed with him for being annoying. Actually, we're going to be having a lot of alone-together time coming up, too, because next week Josie will be at day camp every day, and on Friday rather than bringing her home, she's going to a friend's house straight from camp because she's been invited to go with them to SC on vacation for a week and they want to leave at 3am on Sat. So she'll be completely gone for another whole week. It will be weird, even though she's gone away with friends before.

I'm trying really hard to practice letting her go a little, in the cosmic sense. She's starting middle school, and I want to give her space to feel her growth, not surround her so completely that she's going to have a massive rebellion just to get air. It's hard. I had to read a book for my last class on parenting, so I chose 'How To Hug A Porcupine', which is about tweenage parenting, and I also just finished 'Ophelia's Mom', which is by the mother of the girl who wrote 'Ophelia Speaks' (which I'm just getting ready to read), about mom reactions and coping to their teenage daughter's behaviors and rebellions. They were both very interesting (I'll post reviews on poor, neglected Literally Booked in awhile), and one idea I got from them is to allow her to keep her period stuff private for awhile. So, this week when I was at the store, I stood in the pad and tampon aisle, trying to figure out what to get for her to keep in her room so, if she doesn't want to tell me right away when she gets her period, she doesn't have to. We've already talked all about it, she knows all the mechanics she needs to know, and I know it's coming soon, so rather than have her use my stuff, which is probably too big, or feel like she wants to hide doing the toilet paper thing, she can have her own supply in her room for when she needs it. I finally found these tiny little tampons (I can't believe there were actually 18 in that little box, they must come out like salt from a shaker) and smaller winged pads. When I got home, I gave them to her and explained that I hoped she'd want to tell me when The Time comes, but if she doesn't want to, I will respect her privacy, and she can just wait until she needs more or is comfortable telling me. I think it worked, because that was two days ago, and last night for the first time *she* actually approached *me* with a question, rather than me going to her with information. That's a big step for a girl who used to cringe, and sometimes cry, at every thought of growing up.

I do feel weird, though, even at the thought of someone else having pads in the house. I mean, that's *my* department. Hers is supposed to be band-aids.

Loss

2010-05-29T15:12:00.005-04:00

Our cat, Sasha, got hit by a car last night at about 9:30. Dh heard it happen; I was upstairs reading to Josie, and Patrick was already in his room for the night, playing his ds before going to sleep. He dealt with moving her from the road into a box in the garage before coming upstairs carrying her collar to tell us. I still can hardly believe it. Her bowls are sitting in their places on the radiator, her kitty tower is waiting to be perched on near the door. Her brush still has her fur in it. How can this be? My sweet kitty, who purred constantly, even when I was trimming her nails, and who put up with all manner of indignities from young children and dogs? Who made us laugh every day, climbed up to listen to Josie play the piano, and slept under the blankets with her every night? How can she never be coming back?

An hour or so after that happened, we realized that Baci was bleeding on Josie's bed. The dogs had gotten out of the yard earlier in the day, and we thought he had had an altercation with the dog who snapped at him before down the road; we now think what actually happened was that he somehow fell onto their tiny metal garden border fence, which is about 12in high and has pointy tops. There's a puncture wound on his side about the size and depth of my pinkie finger to the first joint. So, 90min after our cat was killed, I was off to the ER vet with Baci. He hadn't been bleeding earlier; his fur, which is really thick, just looked a little roughed up like last time and he carried on like usual, so we hadn't noticed anything, but once he jumped in and out of the car on the vet trip, it started to really bleed. The poor thing was ready to come home an hour later, completely doped and disoriented on morphine, and still with an open wound, since you can't close a puncture. When we got home, he practically fell out of the car, and once in the yard he seemed to not know where he was or even, for a moment, who I was. It took me a few minutes of quiet talking to get him to let me take his collar and guide him into the house, where he just melted to the floor about five feet inside the door. I let him lay there for awhile, and then we moved his dog bed into the living room and coaxed him onto it. I "slept" on the couch last night next to him, where I assume I will be sleeping for the next week since he's not supposed to go upstairs and I don't want to leave him alone with himself.

Delilah is completely freaked out. She knows things are all wrong around here, and can smell the blood on Baci. Sigh. It's like he's walking around with an open bullet wound.

The kids are OK. They both cried pretty hard last night, and that was pretty much it for them. Kids are amazing. DH and I aren't so great. I am a mess, actually. I was doing OK until I had to bring Sasha's body to the vet for cremation, and the new woman there was completely insensitive and cold. I've never seen her before, and hope I never do again. She acted like I was making a dog chow delivery rather than bringing our poor sweet kitty meow in in a box. *That* totally made me lose my stuffing for the next hour. I hated having to leave her there, and even more with that awful woman. I don't care that it's Memorial Day weekend, and she didn't want to be at work. I care that a member of my family died, and she was asking me questions like a telemarketer. "Name? First name? Are you a patient here? You're not in the computer. Oh, yeah, sorry, I spelled your name wrong. $35. Sign here." Bitch. You're in the wroooong line of work.

We will, of course, recover. We've already talked about adopting another cat in a few weeks when we're all ready, Baci is healed, and school is out. It's not that I'm tossing Sasha's memory aside, but rather that we love her so much, and loved having her in our lives, that now there's a huge awful sad space, and the only thing that is making me feel at all better is the idea that maybe we can have something happy to look forward to instead of this emptiness.

We will never find another cat who has your appreciation for fine music.

Taking a Breath... and Sighing

2010-05-21T13:36:00.003-04:00

The ENT doctor said that my throat is clear - no lumps or visible issues that would indicate anything unusual. He told me that I have reflux that's messing with my throat and causing the muscle spasms and swelling feelings, and that it may take a few weeks to see any changes, but that I was right to start taking the Prevacid when I did. Normally, it's a 14-day course, but he said to take three straight, and come back to see him. I may need to be on it long-term depending on how I respond, and what happens when I eventually stop taking it after the third course. He also told me something I didn't know before - we actually have *two* sets of tonsils, the one we all know about and another on the back of our tongue. They can get inflamed and spasm in reaction to severe allergies, which I apparently also have. So, I'm also on two allergy meds, and when I feel like things are really swelling, I ~~take a hit off of my kids' inhalers that they don't use to relax the muscles~~ try and zen my way out of it. I still wake up at night feeling like I'm choking, but it's more brief, and since it doesn't scare me anymore, I'm able to go back to a fitful sleep fairly quickly. That goes on for a couple of hours, and then I'm OK again. I wish it would just go away, but I guess I have to be patient for awhile more. In the meantime, no coffee, nothing yummy-spicy, no chocolate.

In other news, surprise! The college messed up my practicum placement. No way, right? What are the odds? I mean, they've only messed up every single other thing so far. There are three schools the thirty or so of us can be placed in, one with a teacher day starting at 7am, another at 8, and the third at 8:30. On the form, I said that I really wanted the 8am one, which is right down the road from where Patrick will be in the fall, because it starts and ends at the same time, minimizing his time in before and after care, and thus limiting the time Josie will be alone after school. Guess which one they put me at? I was told, no problem, sure, we'll put that down for you. Got the confirmation the other day, and guess where they put me? THE 7AM ONE. The only one I said I couldn't do, period! If I was there, I would have to wake Patrick at 5:45 so we could leave at 6:20, at which time I would wake up Josie before walking out the door. She would have to get ready and leave by herself every day, and Patrick would be in beforecare for 90min. Then, Josie would still be alone when she got off the bus in the afternoon around 2:30. Um, noooo.

So, I called, and was told, gee, they didn't know what happened, they remembered telling me that, and now it's too late to move me to the school I had requested because everyone had gotten their placements at the same time I did. !!!!!!!!! They finally moved me to the third school, the one that starts at 8:30 for teachers, because they had someone drop out, which is what I was going to have to do if they hadn't been able to move me. Now no one will be in before care, I'll be able to see Josie off to the bus, and have plenty of time to get to the school after dropping Patrick off, even though it's nowhere near where he is. He'll be in after care for an hour and a half or so, and Josie will be alone for about two hours after school, but I think we can make it work. I start classes on Monday, and it hardly seems real. I've tried to contact the teachers I've been assigned to, but the grade 2 teacher I'll be working with in the fall hasn't responded, and the email I sent to the grade 4 teacher I'll be with in the spring came back as undeliverable. I'm not entirely sure what to do about that, since it's not like teachers have a direct line to call at the school. I guess I can leave a note in the main office for them? My classes start on Monday night, four hours a night M-Th through the beginning of August, so I suppose I can ask for suggestions then.

In the meantime, I should call and make sure my financial aid made it through OK. With the track record I've seen so far (and I'm not the only person to have problems, I found out at the orientation a couple of weeks ago), I'm almost afraid to ask.

Breathing is Overrated, or Why I've Been Away

2010-05-17T15:21:00.003-04:00

I haven't been around much lately. I was just too exhausted, scared and short of breath to do anything. Plus, I'm tired of myself being this way.

It all started a few weeks ago, when I had that fb debacle, and I began having what I thought were panic attacks at night. I would wake up gasping for air, my heart racing, feeling like I was choking. My throat felt like it was closing off, and I had muscle spasms in my throat and tongue that were like massive cramps for days. I stopped eating, because I felt like I was going to choke, and also because being so freaked out totally took my hunger away. To make a long story short, I went in to my doctor, who I really like, who said that I needed to take some Xanex, and that I should take allergy meds because I have junk in my throat which could be pairing up with sleep apnea or something. I took one right after, and the second at bedtime, only to wake up gasping again, but this time also was completely confused and disoriented, which was even more scary. I felt like I couldn't wake up.

The next day, my heart rate went to 120 at rest, which, paired with the continuing feeling that my throat was swelling or there was something stuck in it, sent me right over the edge into near-constant panic. So, I took another Xanex. A few hours later, I was covered in hives. Turns out the rapid heart rate and dizziness were an allergic reaction, not a panic attack. Enter Benadryl, which also made me disoriented when I woke up in the middle of the night, but at least I know I'm not allergic to it, and the next day my heart began to calm down, and the hives began to go away.

It's been over a week since then, and I've started eating again, only because I was getting really shaky and weak, so I've been forcing myself to take bites and swallow them with a lot of water, because my throat is so dry it's hard for me to get it down. The sleeping problems have continued, and I wake up several times a night, feeling like my throat is swollen, but it's gone on for so long that I no longer have panic about it, just a sense of resignation that OK, I've jerked awake again, watch TV for a little while and try again.

I did some online investigating, and saw some seriously scary shit that this all could be, but what I think it might really be is something to do with reflux. I saw that there's a kind that can cause all of these things I've been feeling, including swelling of the vocal chords that results in a 'lump-in-the-throat' feeling. So, over the weekend I started taking a course of Prevacid, just to be on the safe side, figuring that it can't hurt, and it's what doctors use when this condition happens (although I read that usually a doctor will put you on a double-dose to get rid of more severe cases). I have actually felt a little better since I started taking it, and I have an appointment with an ENT tomorrow morning first thing. I have noticed that I have had some reflux in the past few months, but have never had heartburn, so I didn't think anything of it. Turns out, you don't always get heartburn. My throat has been sore, though, and I can see that it's red when I look.

As you can tell, I'm kind of praying that this is what's going on. I really don't think that it's panic, just that my initial stress over just everything in life kicked off whatever's going on with me. I don't feel terribly stressed, just exhausted from not sleeping. I was supposed to go on Patrick's field trip tomorrow, but had to back out due to my dr appt; to be honest, I wouldn't have had the stamina to do it, anyway. The lack of sleep has made me barely able to do a regular shopping trip. Josie has a school camp field trip tomorrow through Fri, and DH was supposed to be staying there with them as a full-time chaperone, but he called the school today and told her teacher what's been going on, and that he's concerned about my being alone at night, particularly if the doctor starts me on a new med, since I've been having allergic reactions to the last two new prescriptions I've been put on. So, he'll go for the day, and come home to sleep, just in case. I started crying when he called and told me. I feel like such a wussy invalid, and I hate that I feel like I'm screwing up everyone's lives. Josie doesn't mind that he's not sleeping over (he'd be in the boy's bunk, anyway), but I still feel like crap about it. I could cry now telling you about it. I guess it's the over-exhaustion. Anyway, cross your fingers that I have reflux. That, I can deal with.

Moving On

2010-05-05T14:08:00.004-04:00

Things are slowly improving around here.

Patrick got into the magnet school he applied to!!!!! I was told that there were 90 kids that applied for it this year, and while kids in any grade (1-4) can try to get in for the next year, I'm thinking that most of them were in 1st or 2nd grade, since if you're thinking about putting your kid in a magnet program, I would think it would be right away or not at all. There will be about 25 kids in his class, plus the smattering of kids who were admitted to fill spaces of kids who have left the other grades' classes throughout the year, so I think it's probably less than 40 kids who got actually got in. We're so proud!

This means that he will definitely be in before- and aftercare, so I need to call the school and find out whether they offer it there (most schools do), and how much it is, etc. He doesn't mind the idea at all, particularly since I found out that one of the schools available for me to student teach at is less than 10 minutes away, meaning he'll only be in both for about a half hour each. If I get into that school, it will also minimize the amount of time that Josie spends here alone after school, to maybe an hour and a half or so. I wish it was less, and I'm still not thrilled by the idea, but we have neighbors who will be aware that she's here and available to help her if she needs it. I'll still be able to see her off in the morning to the bus, and we're going to get her a cell phone that she can use to text me when she gets home or if she goes to a friend's house that I'll be able to feel vibrate in my pocket to know she's safe. The bus stop is right across the street from the house, so once she crosses the street she'll be inside with the dogs and safe.

Josie's hardly going to be here at all this summer. She's got karate camp for a week, another camp that both kids are going to the last week of their vacation because I'll be working in a classroom to prepare for the students (!!), and then she's been invited to go away with two different friends for a week apiece on their family vacations! Phew! Patrick just has two weeks of camp, one of which *I* want to go to! It's a robot-building camp, where they use computer modeling to design them and legos to build them! How awesome is THAT?! He told me the other day that he wants to be an inventor when he grows up. :)

With all this stuff going on, I am finally pushing things off of my plate. I quit the PTA the other night, because with both kids leaving the school I can't be VP there anymore, so once I'm done with 5th grade graduation, I'm free of that. I told the committees I'm on at church that I'll see them in the fall, and the choir, too, since I'll be in school at night. I took my last final at the community college yesterday. Other than the graduation project, I'm free until the 24th. I'm not going to work, or volunteer, or even show up at just about anything at all. I'm going to organize the house, read a few books, and spend extra time just hanging out with the kids.

Who wouldn't want to hang out with these two??

No News Is No News

2010-04-30T10:18:00.002-04:00

I still haven't heard anything from the girl's mother, and at this point, I have to think I'm not going to. I'm teaching the kids' class today, and I hope it goes well. I had strong thoughts of canceling the job in the middle of the night, but decided against it. DH convinced me that it would be good to go through with it, because the fact that I will treat all the children the same, just as usual, will help to move everyone beyond this whole mess. I hope that's true. I'm not looking forward to going in there, though. Who knows what has been said about me to other people who work there (did I mention that the woman's a para at the school?), but whatever. Hopefully anyone who has heard anything will be adult. I'm bringing a book and hanging out at my desk during their lunch, anyway, just for my own nerves' sake.

In other news, some kids have gotten letters about being accepted to the magnet programs they've applied to. Patrick hasn't gotten one, but I know they're coming out in waves, because one friend received theirs for one school last Saturday, another for a different school on Tuesday. Part of me hopes he gets in, because I know it will be so fun for him, and I hate for him to be rejected, but a little part of me won't mind if he doesn't, because that will remove a lot of transportation and childcare issues for me. The magnet school is several towns over, so there's no public transit for him, and I'll have to leave the house a lot earlier in the morning to get him there and then me to school.

I feel so much guilt about the idea of going back to work, it's ridiculous. I'm so nervous about how it will affect our family. I know millions of people do it, and I myself used to work, but it's been a long time, and it's a huge change for everyone. I don't think it's wrong for both parents to work, it's just not the choice we've made since I was pregnant with Patrick. Josie will be alone after school for awhile, he'll be in before and after care... it just seems like a lot. I know a lot of you do exactly that, though, and it's working out fine.

I went to the orientation for my grad school program last night, and it's *intense*. We get little breaks here and there, which is nice and also more than I expected, but WOW. The classes over the summer are 5-9pm M-Th, and during the school year we're either student teaching all day or in school ourselves from 8:30-3:30. There was a woman there who's in the program now, and she said that keeping up in the summer isn't that bad, but during the school year when you're working all day and having a ton of projects to do was very difficult. I knew it would be hard, but having it described that way was intimidating, I have to admit. I couldn't help but think about all the time I'm going to miss with my kids during all of this.

Sigh. Focus. I just need to get through today, and then my final next week. One foot in front of the other, right?

Off The Wagon

2010-04-29T14:09:00.002-04:00

Well, I haven't heard back from the woman I emailed the apology to. I'm not sure if that means I never will, or if she's mulling, or if she put it in the trash without even reading it. I'm trying to console myself with the fact that I've done what I can to make her feel better, and the rest is up to her. There's nothing more I can do.

The problem is, while I did feel somewhat better after writing the email, and a little bit more today, I always feel like I've run over a bag full of puppies when this kind of thing happens. I hate making other people upset, and I turn it over and over and over in my mind, which makes me feel worse and worse until I am almost physically ill. In the past few days, I have worried about this situation until I almost can't breathe. Welcome to OCD, the so-focused-you-can't-function condition.

As a result, I have broken down, and gone back on my medication. I had been doing pretty well without it, talking myself down from whatever I was worrying about at the moment. Lately, though, with the stress of planning the school's fifth grade graduation events, my own schoolwork and approaching finals, and realizing that I have to work on and teach Sunday school for the next two weeks, in addition to the regular schedules, has been pushing my coping to the limit. Add in the grad school financial aid process, kids with friend problems and now this debacle, and that's more than I can handle.

I didn't want to go back on medication, and I gained a lot of weight last time I took Z, but maybe if I try really hard and am very careful, I won't gain more. I think that what I'm learning is that yes, I might be able to handle ordinary things, but when something sudden and upsetting happens, I can't do it on my own, and because it *is* sudden, I will have to deal with it on my own even if I do break down and start to take something because it probably won't build up in my system fast enough to deal with the situation even if I take one right then. Granted, I feel better for having taken my Z last night, but I probably won't be at 'cruising altitude' for a week or so. I'm going to keep taking it, at least for the foreseeable future. I think I was really near a nervous breakdown the other day, and it's because the obsessively constant worrying my OCD demands prevents me from being able to keep things like this in perspective. Even though I know I'm being irrational, that knowledge doesn't seem to help. Maybe this tiny white pill will.

OK, OK...

2010-04-28T09:14:00.003-04:00

OK, OK - you guys got me, I apparently messed up. I'm glad you all have been honest with me, rather than gloss over it. I'm embarrassed. The chances that I was too close in to this one to see that I was making a mistake are pretty high. Even though we aren't coffee-and-tea friends, I do enjoy knowing her as a fellow parent, and I was awake a lot last night thinking about this. I went back and forth all night, between feeling that I hadn't done wrong by posting about my own kid, but that on the other hand I had upset someone without meaning to and that was wrong.

So, this morning I wrote and apologized. I explained that when Josie came to me in tears, it brought back all my fears of my kids having the same problems that I had had, and since I was on fb already, I reached out for advice and support from friends. I told her that I was upset at some of the comments that people had left and had followed up their comments with another of my own saying thanks, but the girl wasn't a bad kid, she had good parents, and that I was sad that their friendship wasn't doing well, before deleting the whole mess after long enough that anyone who had posted would have seen it. I said that I was sorry that I hadn't emailed her first, but that ironically I hadn't wanted to upset her with another email, and that I hadn't been thinking about her being on fb as well (which is, ok, a small lie, but I really hadn't been thinking about her seeing the comments from other people, so I let myself get away with it) or I would have called people rather than throwing out a net to look for support. I said that I wasn't trying to be malicious or unfriendly, and I certainly hadn't been looking for anyone else to be so. I closed by reiterating that I was sorry she was upset.

That's the best I can do, really. At least I can go forward now knowing that. I'm not perfect, and I hate it when I mess up. Hopefully she will accept my apology and we can move forward. If we never hook up on fb again, I'm fine with that, but I would at least like to be able to run into her and not feel like there's something I could have done to make it better. We probably won't see each other much after the next month, anyway, since the school year will be over and middle school isn't like elementary school - if you don't make an effort to see other kids' parents, you don't. I just want to be able to hold my head up and know I've done the best I can.

She won't see my email for awhile because she's at work until 1, so I won't know anything until at least this afternoon, if she responds at all.

Considering the Options

2010-04-20T11:50:00.004-04:00

DH and I are talking about adopting.

I've always wanted to either foster or adopt, or both, both because I think it's a great thing to do and because, that could have been me. Once my father left, I had no family other than my mother, and if that guidance counselor had believed me when I told her what was going on at my house when I was in third grade, social services would have been at our door in no time. In retrospect, I'm glad I was able to stay, because at least I was able to go to college and move on with my life, whereas had I been put in The System, who knows where I'd be now.

Anyway, I browse the foster care photo listings occasionally, just thinking about it, and last week I came across a girl who looks a lot like Josie, just a few years older. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I thought about her for three days before I got up the nerve to say anything to DH, and even then, I thought, really, that he was going to tell me I'm nuts, bring me to my senses, and on we'd go.

He didn't.

We were sitting at Uno's, and I blurted out, 'what would you think about adopting?', and without hesitation, he said that it sounded like a great idea to him. I could have cried. Josie was with us (Patrick was in the bathroom), and as I told DH what I'd seen, she started listening; after a minute she started almost bouncing in her seat, asked if we were thinking about adopting her a sister, and could they share a room! By this time, Patrick had come back (he tends to dawdle in bathrooms, so he'd been gone for awhile), and Josie told him what we'd been talking about. He looked at us, smiled, and said that that sounded nice. I was so proud of them both; neither one had any qualms whatsoever. Since then, I've talked to them individually about what exactly that would mean, with the sharing of their parents, and the conversion of the finished attic from a playroom into a bedroom, and they're both still really into it.

I talked to social services yesterday, and they're sending us out a packet of into on what we have to do. MD requires anyone adopting a child that's not an infant to take a 9 week class, one evening a week, on whatever it is they want us to know. I can't imagine what on earth will take 27hrs to teach us, but I suppose it's for people who don't already have children as well, so maybe that's part of it, as well as making sure people are really committed and not just looking for a check (foster parents get a monthly check from the govt). I'm sure it will be full of good info, though. Once we're done with that, we will be cleared to foster and adopt any available child we choose.

Since the next class doesn't start until fall, that will give us time to convert the playroom into a bedroom, and put the new carpet squares down in the basement, which will let us move everything from the attic that needs to be moved somewhere else down there. There really isn't a lot up there other than toys, so it won't be too hard. It'll make a really cool room, actually; I had been thinking about letting Josie use it when she was older, but this will work out fine, too. Also, my evening grad classes will be over in August, so there will be no conflict there.

It looks like the earliest we'll be able to think about having someone new in the house is after Thanksgiving, and maybe not until after the new year, since while it would probably be nice to allow a child to have a Christmas with us, depending on the scheduling it probably wouldn't be the most stable environment to bring a new child into, with how crazy everyone's schedules get around Xmas. We'll have to see. For now, all we know for sure is that in the next year, we're probably going to be adding a new older girl to the family.

Ugh. Just, UGH.

2010-04-16T08:39:00.003-04:00

Over the past week or so, Patrick's behavior has been in a steady decline from the realm of Regular Boy Stuff into the area of I'd Rather Not Appear With Him In Public. Usually it's kids who don't want to be seen with their parents, I think, not the other way around, but sadly, this is where we have been.

We hit rock bottom the other day at piano lesson. Josie and Patrick have the same teacher, and their lessons follow each other, with Patrick going first. Based on his sullen mood over the past few days, I knew it probably wasn't going to be the greatest lesson, but it turned out that I was WAY overestimating his good-behavior potential. He did everything from averting his eyes constantly, purposefully ignoring the teacher, banging on the keys too hard more than once and having to be told to stop, and, the piece de resistance, when the teacher put his hand on Patrick's shoulder to get his attention because he was rudely staring at the piano bench, Patrick (I am ashamed to even type this), did that thing that kids do when they're being bratty; he slouched and slid away like the teacher was putting a crap crown on his head. I could have DIED, I was so angry and embarrassed. For the record, the teacher was really polite about it and dealt with it well, but internally I was EXPLODING.

I usually try not to interfere when the kids are being instructed by someone else, but I couldn't take it and scolded him right after he did that little action. The piano teacher then ended the lesson - ten minutes earlier than usual - and I told Patrick that he should put down his things and follow me out to the front stoop as Josie took her place at the piano. He knew he was in for it, obviously, but he had no idea what he was really in for.

I reamed that boy a new orifice. Usually I try to go for the more placid approach, ask what has happened to him that day, etc, but this time, while I did maintain a regular level of voice, I took that boy up one side and down the other, with a little in between for good measure. I told him that I didn't know what his problem was, but that if he ever acted that way again he would never touch another musical instrument, never mind have lessons, and that he should be ashamed and humiliated at his own behavior, treating an old man like that in his own home when all he was doing was being kind. I said that I was horrified to see that he thought it was appropriate to treat someone that way, and that as a result, he will no longer own a DS or be watching Pokemon, because until I can see that he can treat real people well, in person, there will be no interacting with electronic people. He can only use the Wii if he's playing with someone else. Obviously, I made him apologize once Josie's lesson was over, too.

He's had behavior problems before when he's played his DS too much, so this punishment ends up being an appropriate one. I'm a firm believer in trying to make a punishment fit the crime, and this is as close as I can get. I took away the Pokemon show because I think it's feeding into his overly-dramatic tendencies; both the japanamation and the obviously formulaic boy cartoon style provide examples of constant over-the-top actions and reactions, and they're rubbing off on him. He's really into it, and I'm sorry to take something he likes away from him, but maybe I'll be able to compromise and let him read the books instead.

I know that all of this is mostly my fault. I was falling down on the parenting job, letting him play his ds too much and spend too much time with these character he likes but yet can't interact with. It's not like he sat around the house all day playing, more that he'd wake up early in the morning and probably play for hours before I would see him doing it, realize it had been too long, and tell him to do something else, added in with car trips, etc. I understand the desire to do that, because I love to use my ds, too (yes, I have one, so there), and sometimes will play for hours, but as an adult I can walk away and still be nice to people afterward. I feel bad that it was probably my inattention to detail that allowed him to travel that bratty path to begin with. Sigh.

However, since being told that he can't have it back until he can prove that he can be nice to real people again, he hasn't asked for it once, and in fact yesterday sprang out of the car to go and play with the little girl (who is 4) and her baby brother in their yard across the street! Josie goes over there routinely - she likes to be a little mommy - but usually Patrick isn't that into it. He's been really into reading a new book that I gave him, one that Josie and I just finished reading together at bedtime about two weeks ago.

When these things happen, though, I worry. His teacher had that ADD-insinuating a few months ago, and he could very well have inherited OCD/depression from me. Any of those things could induce the behavior we see rear its ugly head in him. He's my only boy, and I have no siblings or cousins, so I have nothing to measure him by. I see his friends, but that's not the same. Do your boys act like this from time to time, or am I maybe seeing the blossom of something that needs to be carefully watched??

Action, Reaction, and Resolution (sort of)

2010-04-15T09:13:00.004-04:00

I want to thank all of you for your comments about the hate club problem. It really made a difference in what I did; Stimey in particular opened my eyes. My nephew, too, will probably be the butt of something like this someday, and won't be able to easily tell anyone, either. Thank you all for helping me to realize that it was absolutely my job to say something. I've told Josie before that watching something bad happening and not doing something is almost as bad as doing it yourself, and there I was, not doing anything. I guess I was muddled by the fact of not actually *seeing* it myself, but it's the same thing in the end. Also thanks to Marie for the book suggestions - I have Queen Bee because I read it years and years ago when it first came out, out of curiosity, but I should definitely read it again NOW, and the others as well.

I ended up discussing the incident with someone who works at the school, another substitute who was the Josie's class's student teacher last semester and who was subbing for Josie's teacher that day. The principal was busy, and the other fifth grade teacher was as well, so since I knew this woman and am reasonably friendly with her, it was an easier option, anyway. Astonishingly, she was shocked that E would do such a thing, and I think almost didn't believe it! She said, 'What? But she's so little and sweet and quiet!' I just looked at her and said that sometimes that's exactly who it is. The astonishing part is, this isn't the first time that E has done something like this, and I can't believe she's missed it all this time. She also said that they've had a really hard time with bullying in 5th grade this year. I think, though, that fifth grade is often this way, and she just hasn't been around older children, and in a school, long enough to know it.

Anyway, she said that she'd talk to the other fifth grade teacher about it, but I wasn't sure what would happen, given her shock and disbelief. I found out yesterday, though, from a friend who also works there, that my friend saw E, two other girls, and K, who was the object of one of the clubs, leaving the guidance office after lunch, which is about an hour after I spoke to a teacher, and yesterday when the regular teacher returned to the classroom, the grade split into boys and girls, with each half going with one of the teachers (there's a man and a woman teaching that grade) to have a discussion about bullying and what had happened. I am SO PLEASED that it was handled so swiftly and without any room for doubt as to the school's opinion on the matter. The girls were dressed down within the hour, and all 50 kids were spoken to within 24. I call that impressive.

Also, I am so, so happy to say that Josie, who at that point didn't know that I had said anything, told me yesterday that she herself reported the incident to her regular teacher as soon as the teacher returned from her time off yesterday morning. I am so proud of her! It's not easy to face up to that kind of thing, especially when the next 'target' could easily have been her in retribution. She's always been a brave girl, but I am SO proud of her. I did tell her yesterday that I had spoken to the sub, because I wanted to be honest with her and for her know that I felt strongly about standing up for people. I said that I hoped she didn't mind, and that anytime she wants to tell me something and doesn't want me to say anything, she can tell me and I will respect that (within reason), but that I hadn't thought she would mind in this case. She wasn't upset, although I think she was a little disappointed that the whole in-school resolving of the event wasn't due to her own reporting of it, as she had thought it was. Both DH and I made a big fuss over her about doing the right thing, though, so she seemed to feel pretty good regardless.

The only depressing part is that K has gone right back to being friends with E, AGAIN. Why do some girls (and I guess boys, too, but it seems to be mostly girls) go back time and time again in these circumstances to what basically amounts to more punishment!? Josie asked me this, and I told her that the only reason I could think of was that K is buying into the idea that E *is* better and cooler than everyone else, and thinks that by being near her, K will be cooler, too. It's so sad. K has real friends, but she's insistent that she WILL be part of this group who really doesn't want her there. Sure, they skipped along out of the guidance department together, but this isn't like when little kindergarteners say they hate each other over some incident with the jumprope. This was calculated hurtfulness, and while obviously I hope that E has learned a lesson, to be honest, I doubt that after a twenty-minute group-hug free-love meeting in the guidance department she's magically ready to accept K as her new BFF. It's not like she didn't KNOW what she was doing was hurtful and wrong, for heaven's sake; it's a personality thing, and her desire to be Queen Bee isn't going to change just because some touchy-feely grownup announced that it was wrong and hurtful, kumbyah. In fact, I think she did K a huge disservice by not telling her in no uncertain terms that she should NOT be friends with E until E has proven that she deserves it. Allowing her to go trotting out of there all happy and trusting that things are fine was just ludicrous. Sigh.

Hate Clubs

2010-04-13T09:10:00.002-04:00

In the past week, Josie has come home from school telling me about various 'Hate Clubs' that one little girl, E, has started in her grade. E is very pretty, and gets a lot of attention for it, unfortunately, among the other kids. Boys want to sit next to her, and other girls apparently want to be her friends. Josie (thank GOD) is not like this, but from what she says, half of the fifth grade has joined this little witch's hate clubs, even girls who were previously friends with the two who have been targeted so far. I have no idea why one of the two girls in particular was targeted, since she's funny and pretty herself; the other girl does tend to bring problems onto herself with her own words and actions, and has never been even remotely popular - not that she deserves this in any way, just that if someone is going to be the target of something like this, it's much less of a surprise that her name would come up.

Josie's very upset that this is all going on, and we were talking last night about how she's been trying to figure out why E is this way, and all she can come up with is that it's because her parents are divorced and she somehow is messed up because of that, but since it happened years ago that doesn't really make sense. I was forced to tell her the truth - while there's always a reason, some kids are just going to be nasty. Before this, when other children have been unpleasant, they've been younger and it's been easier to see the acts as related to something around them, but they're reaching the age where kids are going to be starting to act based on their own emotions and feelings, not necessarily as a reaction to something else. I told her that kids who already have a little following based on something shallow, like their looks or parents' money, sometimes crave more, and either because of insecurity or power-hungriness they work to build up on that following through the easiest means possible - making others feel and look bad. I also told her the other awful truth, that this is really only the beginning of what's to come, unfortunately, over the next several years, and that the only good news is that, even if she's not standing there to see it, eventually these people will fall flat on their faces and be as miserable as they've made everyone else. I truly believe that, at some point, karma boomerangs meanness back around; it's just too bad that those of us who were treated badly don't get some email about it!

This really hit me in the head with the fact that we're about to enter the whole horrid cycle with her. Girls in particular can be so, so awful to each other, and I feel like I'm going to have to take a LOT of Something to walk with her through all of it. It was bad enough when I was a kid, but at least then the nastiness was somewhat contained to individual phone conversations after the school day ended. For the moment, these hate groups are probably stopping at the door at the end of the school day, particularly for those girls who aren't really Into It, and are just going along for the ride. In another few years, all of those girls will be facebook friends, and the nastiness will be continued and fanned in the afterschool hours as well. It's like a 24hr live-action slambook, I guess (remember slambooks? it makes me a little ill thinking about them, actually).

I posted a short about this whole thing on FB, and one person I know said that I should report it to the principal, to stop the bullying now. I'm thinking about that. I think we all know that I'm big on reporting and complaining when I think something's not right at the school (ahemhelpedgettateacherfiredahem), so that's not the problem - I'm not shy. The thing is, 1) Josie told me this not really in confidence, but it was a conversation between the two of us, and I don't want her to feel like I report everything she says all the time, and 2) the girls targeted, so far, don't include Josie, and I'm not sure whether I should be the one reporting this stuff to the principal. My other option is to talk to the parents of the children who are being picked on, who I know because they're the parents of Josie's friends. That would be a GREAT conversation, wouldn't it? 'Hi, Josie wanted to know if K could come over to play on Friday because K has been so sad over having a hate club formed against her - oh, you did know that, right?' Sigh.

Meanwhile, on the Josie friend front, that same girl who was giving her crap before continues to do so in various other ways, but all basically surround the girl trying to make herself top banana. When they're alone, Girl is nice to Josie; when they're with the other girl in their trio (I know, three is a BAD number), Girl constantly corrects and talks over Josie. I'm pretty sure this is her way of trying to be the group leader, and of expressing her jealousy over the third girl's equally strong friendship towards Josie, but still. I told Josie that the next time Girl does it, call her out immediately, in front of the third friend, and tell her exactly what she told me - that it makes her angry, hurts her feelings, and she doesn't like being treated so rudely. Josie's pretty ballsy, so I think she'll really do it. I worry, though. Hate clubs, bitchiness, jealousy... hooray. Welcome to puberty, fifth-grade style. :(

It's Been Awhile!

2010-04-09T08:48:00.002-04:00

Hey! It's been awhile! I don't know how this happens, that time passes so quickly and I don't have anything to say, or maybe don't know how to say it. There's been stuff going on, too, that I don't necessarily want to post specifics about because I can't control who's reading.

In general, one thing that's thrown me for a loop is an older married man who attends my church, and knows my family, blatantly propositioned me about two weeks ago. I won't say where or when, exactly, except that it was in a public place where we both had cause to be, and that it wasn't aggressive or frightening, just more sad and surreal. We've talked at length before this, and I had considered him a sort of older fatherly-friend kind of person, but apparently he was taking it in a more.... incestuous manner. That particular time, we were talking about his grown children, and his marriage, and he told me that I wasn't missing much not knowing his wife, and that they weren't intimate in any way, and that he didn't know why he was telling me this because he'd never told anyone before, but that lately he's been thinking that it would be nice to spend time with someone, married or not, and have dinners and such, because, as he put it, he's not dead, the coals are still hot and the fire's still burning, if I knew what he meant. I started to giggle after a minute. I couldn't help it. The whole thing was SO WEIRD. After a few more minutes of talking, I told him I had to go, and he called after me that he hoped that he hadn't scared me off, to which I replied, 'no, you're not scary', and drove off. Yes, it was inappropriate and weird, but I think he's just a sad, lonely man in a bad marriage and I don't have the heart to be angry at him for misinterpreting my friendship. It does make me really self-conscious, though, especially since I sit at the front of the church in the choir loft in plain sight of everyone there, including him, and I feel like he's looking at me. Weird.

The other thing that's been going on is that DH had his final hernia surgery on the 2nd of March (for those of you who are counting, that's three), and it's been a slow road to recovery. The incision is healed, but he's a very squeamish person, and it freaks him out that he can feel the patch, even though he's been able to feel the other one he's had in there since he got it. He 'can't' bend over, which I'm pretty sure means 'won't', since we're talking a completely-healed 2.5in incision from six weeks ago. I'm trying to be patient about it, but I'm getting overwhelmed with things that need to be done, especially now that yard work season is here, and now everything outside is on me as well. Men are so weird. After both kids, I had a week where there were people around to help me, and then I was on my own, even after Patrick, who together with the plunger tore me so badly that the doctor told me I was 'one big stitch'; I did housework and cared for an infant and a preschooler while still bleeding pretty heavily and having to poop *through* my stitches after that week, and so did every other woman I know. I am a terrible, unsympathetic wife, I think. I haven't said any of this to him, because it wouldn't be nice, but inside I'm starting to lose it a little, I think. It's been a really rough few months with him not around much, and now this. Ohm.

My mother is arriving today for the weekend. Cue the simultaneous feelings of anger, guilt (over being a poor hostess and unforgiving person), frustration, sadness and annoyance.

Two in One Day! and a Resolution

2010-03-25T20:09:00.003-04:00

I finished two big things today!!!

First, I decided this morning that I was going to go ahead and finish my psych course. It's totally online, with no timeline, and all assignments posted, so we were free to do whatever we wanted with it. I had two "tests" left, and four discussion board postings. I think it took me all of two hours. The tests were just like the last ones, straight from the book, IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE, multiple choice. The postings were just responses to questions she posed, two relating to taking an online personality quiz and discussing your results, and the others 'tell what you were most interested in and why'. I'll be honest - I didn't read any of the work other than during the exams, because I learned all of the concepts either during my soc major or from general knowledge. Now all I have left to think about is meteorology, which I actually have some catching up to do in, until I start killing myself in grad school in a couple of months.

The other thing that's done as of tonight is the TNT program at our church, where I was working with the teenagers!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!! After last week's debacle, only two kids showed up; one and his friend were out for a birthday thing, another and his friend because he was going to his dad's house early, and the two high school girls didn't come because either they weren't allowed after what happened last week *or* they were too embarrassed. Either way, I had two middle school boys, and this week's topic was poverty, so NO SEX. FINALLY. And, you can bet your butt I'm going to be a lot more careful what I agree to do from now on!!!!! What a RELIEF!

ALSO, I've been working a lot lately (for some reason the phone system seems to like me again), and I have seen my teacher Friend several times. She finally told me that it wasn't me, that they were 'spreading the wealth' as far as subbing went, and I hadn't done anything wrong in the class. I think that was a polite way of saying that the girl who is doing it now is going to be continuing because she student-taught there and they want her to get the experience for her resume rather than someone who still has to go through school. What I take from this is that we are not as good friends as I had thought, but not Un-friends, either - which I am OK with. Whatever - as long as I can be certain that I'm doing my job well, that's all I really need to know. I felt a lot better after washing my hands of it the last time I wrote, anyway, so learning that it wasn't anything I did, for certain, was icing.

Kid Stories

2010-03-22T16:28:00.002-04:00

Several shorts -

- Last week was both better and worse with my teenage TNT class. I only showed part of the video (the part WITHOUT any mention of dating or sex, thanks), and then we all went outside so they could run around and burn off energy with bubbles, chalk, and balls. It was going way better than previous weeks... until two of them collided, and one of the boys jammed four of his fingers, fell, and then had one of them stepped on my the girl who collided with him! Sigh. He's OK, but in a splint. Can't win for losin', people. EXCEPT, I do have hope for this coming week - which is also the LAST CLASS, thank GOD - because I already know that all of the middle schoolers except one aren't coming because of various birthdays and sports. It can only go uphill, seriously.

- Same middle school boy got into trouble at school about a month ago, and his parents were called. The guidance counselor told his mom that he was displaying 'classic bullying warning signs' - dumping his milk on another boy's lunch, rounding up support among other friends to harass the boy, etc. In his next breath, he explained that the reason her son was doing that was because the other boy, during an argument with her son, had said the following the week before:

'oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna RAPE your [fifth grade] sister when I find her!'

HOLY SHIT, people. The boys are in seventh grade. They're both seeing the school guidance counselor, whatever help that will do. This is the school Josie, who is friends with the girl mentioned above, will go to next year. That boy will still be there. Nice. Can I wrap her in an Ugly Betty costume now, please?

- Patrick's teacher walked him over to the car today after school, and told me that she had been keeping him inside with her rather than letting him stand in the car line because she couldn't trust him not to continually stomp on other kids' feet. I told Patrick that I was disappointed and angry to hear that, and we drove off. I asked him to explain what had happened, and he told me that he had done it because his friend had asked him to, and they had been roughhousing, and his friend was laughing. I wasn't sure whether to believe this, so I asked if we should go back to to the school and straighten it out, and he said we should. Patrick was close to tears by the time we found his teacher in the library area. He explained again what had happened to us both, crying, and she told him in a very annoyed voice that he had been told to stop and had done it again, and just because someone told him to do it, would he rob a store if the boy told him to? and then - this is the kicker - SHE SMIRKED. She knew the whole time it was one boy, who was telling Patrick to do it, and they were playing - she didn't refute his story *at all*. I wanted to smack her. While I was glad he was telling the truth - and it would have been completely unlike him to purposefully hurt someone, anyway - I was totally pissed that she had made it sound like he was, when really it was just two kids horsing around. The other boy didn't get into trouble, either, just Patrick. I know he should listen the first time, and that he probably doesn't listen the first time at least once a day, but that doesn't make him any different from any of the other boys in the school. Not every teacher is going to like every kid, and it's hard to be fair all the time, but if the boy is having listening issues, don't make him sound like he's rampantly stomping on everyone's feet! This is the same one who was telling me that he had ADD or something a few months ago, and I'm starting to think that she really, really doesn't like him much. When we got home, I told him I wasn't going to punish him, (but that he should have listened), that I was glad he was telling the truth, and that his teacher ~~was being a bitch~~ had used poor storytelling skills.

There Was An Old Lady Who... Walked My Dog

2010-03-21T18:40:00.003-04:00

Tonight I was taking Delilah and Baci, 70 and 90lbs respectively, on a walk in the beautiful 70 degree air when I ran into an elderly lady, Mary, who lives down the street from me. Every day, she walks past our house, at a pretty good clip, with her husky at least once, and sometimes again with her neighbor's dog, and when we walk by her house she always comes over and makes a fuss over our two dogs.

Tonight, Mary was sitting on her front stoop when we walked by, and as usual she made a fuss over Dilly and Baci, but she was sad-seeming, and she said that she'd had her dog, Echo, put to sleep on Friday. The dog's arthritis had gotten too bad, and she had finally lost her eyesight. We talked for a bit, which is difficult because she's just deaf as a stone, and I think is missing most of her bottom teeth, so she's hard to understand, but what I got out of it was that she's, of course, very sad and lonely now, and that she was pretending to herself yesterday on her walk that Echo was walking really far in front of her.

I just felt so sorry for her, and was standing there wishing there was something I could do to make her feel better, when she perked up and said, 'hey! I know! How about I walk one of your dogs with you?!'

Uh.... well, I thought, that really wasn't what I had meant, but there it was, a chance to help her out, so... I said OK, and she jumped up, almost ran into her house to get her shoes, and we were off!

(Before you start to worry, let me reassure you that this woman is as fit as almost any of us, even though I'd put her at about 80. She stands straight and tall as I do, walks as fast as I do, and after seeing her with the other dogs in the neighborhood, I was fairly certain that she'd be OK with Dilly, especially with the pin collar on. I actually think she'd be OK with Baci, too, who is older and better trained, but I figured that if Dilly got away, she'd come right back rather than running off like Baci would probably do. )

We walked probably half a mile, with her stopping to talk to me every so often, because she can't make out what you're saying without looking at you. So, when she had something to say, she'd stop, grab my arm, and chatter on for awhile about half the time I wasn't sure what. She was happy, though, and spoiled Dilly ROTTEN, not making her heel, letting her sniff everything she wanted to, etc. When we got back to my house, she told me to look her up in the book and she'd walk with me again so she'd have something to do.

So, I apparently have made a new friend, or, more accurately, the DOGS have made a new friend. It wasn't what I had planned, but it's no trouble for me to swing by Mary's place once in awhile and get her until she gets another dog of her own. It's such a simple thing to do, especially since I'm walking anyway, and maybe it will make a big difference for her.

This Is The Last I Will Say About It

2010-03-18T12:19:00.002-04:00

Dear Friend (or not),

I was almost over the fact that you have somehow, some-reason, unfriended me for some mysterious reason. I had decided that your shunning of me was something I wasn't going to worry about. Then, yesterday, when I was in a second grade class for the morning, you walked through the back of the open classroom with your little K kids, who I adore and who still run over to hug me in the hallway and ask why they never see me anymore, on their way to lunch, and out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw you smile at me. One of the other K teachers called over to me, 'I like your new shirt!' Just like that, I had hope: hope that maybe your home internet is down, hope that you haven't checked your email, hope that my hurt feelings were for nothing, hope that you just wanted to talk to me in person rather than respond via email. Despite my claims that I was OK with whatever had happened, my heart lifted a mile.

I came home, and, like a dorky puppy, forwarded my original email to your school address, with a small note a the top saying that I felt like a nerd, but that I wanted to be sure that you had received it, and that you weren't sitting over there being furiously silent with me for some reason. I sent it with a hope hiding under a quilt of my hurt feelings and rejected friendship in my heart.

I know you received it. Yet, you still choose not to respond, despite my repeated attempts to make right whatever you feel is wronged, in the face of my statement that you are, in fact, one of the people I chose to model my professional life by, and that your opinion is oh so important to me. It has been a whole day, which is too long in the realm of please-respond-I-care-about-you sadness to assume anything but the most hurtful option is true. You have written me off, completely and finally.

I don't know what I've done, but I can tell you what you've done.

You have crushed the confidence I felt in the classrooms of the school where you work. I no longer know who is trustworthy, or who may be saying what about me - what *you* may be saying about me - when I am there. For that matter, I don't know if someone has told you something untrue about me. You have made me question my judgement in choosing friends; obviously, I cannot tell the difference when someone is lying to me about being 'so happy that we've met', when someone truly values my opinion, and when they really just need me because they need someone to fill out their endless graduate school term paper questionnaires. You have made me feel stupid, and used, and a little unlikable. You were my model to emulate; what does it say when your model thinks that you're so expendable? What does is say that I have picked someone like you to emulate? Your silence has disrespected me to the bone.

When I pick friends, I am essentially picking family. I know you had a great life, family-wise, but I didn't, and ever since I can remember I have been cobbling together an extended family with whom I can laugh and share memories. It means something to me. I would do anything for the people I call friend, including answering all their questionnaires because they 'need help, asap'. I have never purposefully hurt anyone, and whenever I have had a misunderstanding, I have always tried my hardest to iron it out. From this, I have learned that I need to be more careful about who I trust, still, even though we are all supposed to be adults. I have learned that 'adult' isn't as adult as I had hoped it would be.

You have made me so, so sad, on so many levels. This probably won't be the last time I feel hurt over this, because I will see you every day at the school, either at pick-up or because I'm working there, but it *will* be the last time I allow myself to grieve over it. You are done occupying my mind, and your place in my heart will go to someone else.

Sincerely,
Astarte

Friends and Scams

2010-03-15T13:28:00.002-04:00

In Scam Friend news:

I haven't heard back from that teacher-'friend'. I'm assuming this means that there's some kind of personal problem, since if it was something professionally she would probably have just made the suggestion to me the last time we saw each other. Ironically, I am less upset about it the longer she waits to respond. Pretty soon I'm not going to care at all. I do not have time to stress over people who obviously do not care for the feelings of others. The email I wrote asked very contritely if there was something I had done wrong, personally or professionally, and apologized for anything I might have done (even though I can't think of anything, I thought it better to be safe than sorry), so if she's not adult enough to at least respond, I guess it's not worth worrying over. Whatever. I'll be working at the school tomorrow in a first grade class again, so maybe I'll see her. In retrospect, maybe last year when she was sharing information with me that would help my case against Josie's teacher, I should have taken it as a lack of professionalism rather than an act of friendship.

In Friend, Scammed news:

My friend, C, who is awesome, had a terrible scare happen to her family last week. Her nephew lives in China with his Chinese-born wife, and was in the process of moving to Shanghai. On Monday, my friend's elderly mother got a call from her nephew saying that they were in Montreal on vacation, and had been kidnapped, and that she shouldn't call the police, but send $2k right away to some wire address or they were going to be killed. Of course, she was terrified, and withdrew the money the next day. When she went to Walmart to try and send it via Western Union, the customer service agent refused, saying that they weren't allowed to send large amounts of money anymore because there are so many scams going around. This made her even more terrified, because she then assumed that her nephew and his wife were going to be killed.

As it turned out, however, the woman at Walmart was right - it was a scam, but they didn't find out until Friday afternoon, five days after the initial threatening call. They did eventually call the police, and they were finally able to reach the nephew, which is how they found out for sure that everything was OK. The questions remain, though, how this person knew to call my friend's mom, knew she was his aunt, knew the nicknames he called her and her husband, knew that the guy was unreachable for a week, etc. Part of the reason it was so believable, aside from the fact that he's an American in China where who knows what can happen, was because they knew so much, and sounded (to an old lady) so much like him. Even though everyone is safe, they are obviously still very freaked out and scared, because this means that either it's someone that they know, who is an extremely sick individual, or it's someone who has been tapping in on their phone calls and learning all this stuff about them, and now probably can and has looked up all kinds of personal information on them. This has to be the worst scam I've ever personally heard of.

I Did It!

2010-03-14T13:13:00.002-04:00

I sang with the choir leader today!!! In front of the second service! At a microphone!

It was HARD! The first verse was miserable, because I couldn't find my part at all, which is weird, since I'm a soprano. So, I whispered to Toby to ask him to sing harmony rather than his part (tenor), since he had offered, and once he did that, we were off and rolling! It was fun! Scary, too, but fun! I found out after we were done that the music director had one of the dampers on the organ, which was why I couldn't hear my part - 'he had damped it out'! At least it wasn't me, that's all I can say, because I was feeling pretty stupid to be having such a hard time.

There weren't many people there, probably about 50 or so, because the weather here is miserable on top of the time change (although, really, if you go to second service, you have no excuse as far as time change - no matter how you slice it, 11am is pretty late in the morning, even if it's really only 10 according to your body). This actually made it harder, in a way, because when there are that few people, they don't want to sing out there in the pews because then their neighbors can hear them pretty clearly, and that makes them shy too, so they were mumbling at best.

I hadn't told Toby that I was going to come back upstairs (everyone goes downstairs after 1st service for yummy snacks and drinks, and then to a class if they want), so he was all surprised and excited. He and I had walked in the processional together at the beginning of first service, and after we had finished he had come over to me and said that he could hear me clearly, and that he thought I was really good and that we should find a use for me (I was so embarrassed that I could barely even open my eyes.), and that the offer would always be open for me to sing with him, but that he wasn't going to pester me about it after this morning. He hugged me when I got there, and then proceeded to tell the choir director that after today, next time I would stay for more than just one song, and after that it would be a whole service, and then we would start singing special duets together during services. GULP. I told them that I would be happy to just make it through this first time without throwing up.

After we finished, he whispered that I'd done fine, and I tiptoed down the back stairs (which are conveniently located in a little room behind the choir loft), and went back to my class, still shaking. I hope he was happy with it, and that I didn't let him down. I'm glad he was so excited to have me there, but I know part of why he's so happy is because his own children, grown men now, are disappointments to him (one just had his children taken away by social services because he drinks and then abuses them), and he's maybe looking for someone to fill a void. Also, I think he has a little 'old man' crush on me. So, his hopes and expectations may not have been realistic, since they were based on a lot more than just my voice, I think. That would be the worst, if I'd let him down, because like he said - theoretically, no matter how badly I did, I was still better than what most of the rest of the room could do, since none of them sing - it's him and the choir director whose opinions that really matter to me.

But, still, I did it!!!! and I'm really excited!!!!

Eco-Painting

2010-03-13T20:26:00.004-05:00

Today I finally re-painted the dining room. It looks beautiful - we picked a color called Deep Poinsettia, and I love it! We had a pumpkin color up, and the more time passed, the more I HATED it. I'll put up photos tomorrow, after I get trim up (hopefully).

I had been debating for awhile what kind of paint to use. Usually, I just run into Lowes and grab a couple of gallons of their home brand. Over the years, we've used all sorts, though, from Home Depot's main brand to Ralph Lauren to Martha Stewart. I've always hated the smell, though, and how no matter how much I tried, the coverage was never very good, and it went on kind of unevenly because it didn't take to the rollers well.

I'd seen several ads recently for low-VOC paint, and have been wanting to try one, but the big box stores don't carry anything like that. This time, I went to the small Benjamin Moore store across town, and checked out their Natura brand. It has no VOCs, claimed no odor, and the clerk said that it went on like a dream, usually in one coat. It's water-based, and is supposed to be 100% scrubbable.

Sure. We've all heard that one before, right? One coat. I was so skeptical that the retailer gave me the paint, which is an eye-popping $60 a can, for the contractor price of $50 - that way, it was actually cheaper than the two gallons of store-brand paint I've had to buy in the past because of the poor coverage. He also told me that if I ended up needing more, to bring my receipt and he'd cut me an even bigger deal on another gallon.

It was true. All of it. I only needed one coat, and one gallon did my entire job - three walls below chair-rail height (about 3ft), and one full wall (with bay window) with plenty to spare. There was NO SMELL. I'm not kidding, there was NO hint that I was painting AT ALL; DH didn't even know I was doing it until he came into the room!!! It went on so smoothly and evenly I didn't even have to roller over areas more than once, and it seemed really smooth and almost creamy. It clung to my paintbrush and roller without dripping all over creation, which is usually a big problem, and didn't fling off when I rolled. It was dry in an hour, and is completely smooth - no roller-bumpies, and there were no bubbles at all, either, even though I had to re-stir it up myself because I'd let it sit for a week. It was pricey, but I will never use any other paint again. It's not like I paint every day, so the once in awhile that I need to do a room, I will definitely get this stuff every time from now on.

To finish my eco-friendliness, I used a recycled-paper paint tray, which worked really nicely and will degrade in 6 months, supposedly (regardless, it'll be faster than the plastic ones), and a recycled roller cover. Benjamin Moore also has a line of eco-friendly stain, but they're closed on Sundays, which is kind of counter-intuitive since most people want to do their painting on weekends, so I'll have to wait until Monday to check that out.

Speaking Of...

2010-03-12T17:34:00.003-05:00

how hard it is sometimes to be a substitute...

A couple of weeks ago, I was subbing for one of the special ed teachers, and I noticed that there was another woman in for the K teacher, Mrs. N, who was Patrick's teacher last year, and who I have consistently subbed for all year. I figured she was out sick and it was a coincidence, although I did notice that her sub was the girl who had been another K teachers' student teacher during the first half of the year.

Today I was called (by the system! finally!) to go in for a first grade teacher, and the same girl was in for Mrs. N again. I casually asked where Mrs. N, who I actually am on a first-name, facebook-friend, discussing more-personal-matters basis with, was, and the other sub girl said, 'oh, I'm not sure, but she's not sick, because I've known about today for a few weeks'.

So, the last time wasn't a coincidence. She has stopped calling me on purpose.

To be clear, this teacher is a good part of the reason that I decided to sign up to sub, and enroll in school. She wrote me a very nice letter of rec for my grad school portfolio. She said several times last year that she was so glad we'd met, and we would talk about all kinds of things during the kids' lunch breaks when I was there. She said that I was going to be a wonderful teacher. She helped me when Josie had that awful screaming woman as a teacher last year. She's the same woman who I've talked to and hoped for during her failed adoption attempts with the foster baby I've told you about. I've helped her with her grad papers by filling out several surveys, etc. We are by no means strangers.

She's never said one word to me about not being happy with my work, and the kids have always run over and hugged me when I've gone in. I feel so betrayed and sad. I think I come to think of people as friends too easily, and I believe people when they say things like how glad they are to have met me. I guess some people just say things in the moment that maybe they don't mean? If someone is your friend, they don't just basically fire you without a word. I saw those kids a lot, I really care for them, and I thought I was doing good work in there. This just calls my entire sense of judgement into question. Am I not as good as I thought I was, and had been led to believe? It hurt me so much to see someone else sitting in there where I have been all year. I felt so low and dispensable, and embarrassed, because the other K teachers all knew I had been working for Mrs. N, and now they know I'm not. It was humiliating today to find out in front of everyone that I've basically been replaced.

I wrote Mrs. N an email this afternoon, telling her I got my letter from grad school and thanking her for all her help. Then in a separate paragraph, I asked her if there was anything that I had done in her room that she felt was wrong, because I had noticed that there was another person working for her now, and that since I like her, and more importantly, respect her as a teacher, I would really appreciate the feedback because I want to be sure I learn everything I can in the next year, before I'm entirely on my own in a classroom. We'll see what she says. I'm not sure I'll believe her if she says there's no reason, since obviously there IS something going on, but I'm a little afraid of what she's going to say, too. If I *have* unknowingly done something that she thought wasn't great, I will probably feel even MORE humiliated and less wanting to show my face there again.

Either way, it's a shitty way to end a week, but at least when she writes back, I'll know, and I would rather know than sit with the theories in my head. My feelings are hurt already, so really I suppose it can't get any worse.

It's Official!

2010-03-11T12:44:00.006-05:00

I got this in the mail yesterday afternoon:

I'm in!

To be honest, I had already thought that I had been accepted, based on other mailings I've gotten, but this one seems to be the most official, AND it confirms that I do, in fact, only need to complete what I'm currently taking at the community college in order to get full admission status.

There are still a few questions I have about the rest of the letter, though. First, they still have my requirements screwed up - math and writing are off the list, but they took off science, too! Only psych is listed now. ??? Obviously, I'm not dropping it, because meteorology's kind of cool and also because nothing would make them notice a problem faster than my thinking it no longer existed! The other thing is, I need to have the transcript to them by April 15? Um, the semester doesn't end until May 3. I won't have a final grade before then, I'm assuming, even if I forge ahead and finish everything up (which I can do, since it's so do-what-you-feel-as-long-as-you-finish). So, I'll have to email and ask wtf is up with that. Maybe they just want proof that I'm registered, since I remember them saying something about your being able to finish the requirements concurrently with the first semester of grad school, which would seem ridiculous since it's already a 12-credit load.

Still! It seems so REAL now!

The more time goes by, and the more classes I sub in, the more insanely jealous I am of people with their own classrooms. I've done two half-days this week in two different schools, and I just ache to actually have my own place. Subbing is rough. One school I went to is one that I don't enjoy going to, because everyone there is really, really unfriendly to subs; they actually called my house looking for me because it was 8:03 and I wasn't there (I was stuck in the car line out front), and THEN the classroom teacher commented 'oh, I was starting to think no one was coming' when I walked into the room a few minutes later after plowing through all the main office stuff you have to do. The school day doesn't start until 8:30! That's the same place I went to and everyone in the teacher's lounge just stared at me at lunch time at the beginning of the year and wouldn't talk to me. Total bitches. They treat you just like I remember being treated when I worked at Dairy Queen - like you're an idiot who can't be trusted to understand perameters of intelligent behavior and are completely unworthy of respect.

Next year at this time, I'll be putting together my portfolio and applying for actual jobs again, for the first time in ... I can't even remember how long. I don't count the interview I went on with school district, because they hire everyone who isn't a convicted felon. Even my last 'real' job at the defense contractor I didn't have to apply for, because I started there as a temp and just ended up staying for the next five years. That means it's been... since 1998. I can't wait to get started!!!!!

End of Hibernation Creations

2010-03-08T13:18:00.007-05:00

It was 60 degrees yesterday! There's still some patches of snow in the shadows, but mostly it's all melted.

You know what THAT means, especially those you you with dogs.

MUD. And lots of it.

For those of you who have been around for awhile, you remember that we had to have a portion of our yard, right near the back door, dug up last year because our main sewer line got backed up, and the pipe people originally thought it was out in the yard (it turned out to be just the pipe trap thing in the foundation), so they yanked out a shrub, tore up the grass, and dug all around. Needless to say, it never grew back, and it's been more and more muddy there ever since. No more, baby! I decided to take advantage of the pre-rainy season nice weather and fix it up with a little wall and some mulch:

Not bad, huh? It took about three and a half hours, plus the hour or so I spent on Saturday putting down the weed block fabric, three trips to Lowes for the blocks and 17 bags of mulch, and around $200. I hadn't been planning on doing it this weekend, but I was there cleaning the poop, which was finally all uncovered and was REALLY GROSS, and the whole time I could hear the dogs running through the mud, playing in the mud, digging in the mud, and I couldn't STAND it anymore! We're trapped at home, anyway, until DH is up to going out, so that was my project. I figure, now maybe Delilah will dig in the mulch, which I made about eight inches thick on purpose in the hopes that she'll get interested in that rather than the grass. Actually, I'm thinking of replacing the grass with pea gravel in their yard, which is separate from the one the kids play in, but that would be a HUGE project, so I'm going to spend this year really pampering the grass in their yard and see where it gets me. If it's still really sparse, maybe the year after when I'm (hopefully) working again and we have more money I can hire someone to do it for me.

When I've been inside, I've been fooling with my beads again, and came up with these:

(Actually, I made the green one a couple of weeks ago, but who's counting?)

I get a lot of compliments on the green one, which is a lot prettier in person because the beads have a more opaque look to them than you can really see in the photo. The pink one was the hardest necklace I've made yet because the large flowered silver rings don't have holes in them, so I had to figure out how to get them on so they would frame the pink and stay in place. I basically ended up making two necklaces and weaving them together, and I really like how it came out.

One final update on the guest-boy situation; I caught his mother in a lie. She knew he was sick, and THAT'S why she called last-minute, needing somewhere for him to stay. My friend, Kristi, was volunteering in his class that day because her twins are in there as well, and she said that he was so sick at school that, when his teacher told him he could sit in the beanbag chair for a minute, he fell asleep and stayed there. So, the whole thing about being afraid to lose him was a lie; she *couldn't * bring him to the wrestling match because he was sick, and I'm pretty sure she told him not to say that he didn't feel well, because when I asked him if he was coughing, he kind of freaked and said, 'I'm not sick!!!', when that wasn't what I had asked. We were able to bring him home before church rather than afterwards, but no one met him at the door. His mother had called and said that we could drop him off, that she was calling his father to make sure he was up, but I don't think he was - I'll bet he had unlocked the door and just gone back to bed. No one came to the car to say, 'hey, thanks for watching him on such short notice', or 'we'll send Patrick's clothes back to you' (he wore Pat's clothes all weekend because he had only brought underwear and one pair of pants in his grocery bag), or 'hey, son, glad you're home' - nothing. :(

Send Tranquilizer Darts

2010-03-06T19:05:00.003-05:00

This week was pretty rough.

By Monday night, my voice was gone, and I was well on my way to being sick with what our little houseguest had when he was here. Tuesday morning, DH had his third (and hopefully final) hernia surgery. He's doing really well, a lot better than he has after the two previous ones, and the last few days has even come to the dinner table and played Munchkin afterwards. Unfortunately, today he was feeling a little too good, and overdid it, so he's back in bed at the moment. Still, it's progress.

However, my voice came back on Thursday enough for me to teach class at the church. I, in a fit of 'I can do anything'-ness, agreed a couple of months ago to work with the youth group during what our church calls TNT - Thursday Nights Together, which is a program during Lent when dinner is provided by the church (and prepared by adult Sunday school classes), and then there are various things to do together afterwards. Kids go to their choir and then do activities, like this past week they made birdhouses, and adults pick a class to go to, as well, like this year some of the offerings are on personal finance, yoga, scrapbooking, etc. This is the first year that there's been something for the teenagers, and it centers around relationships and challenges- family, dating, struggles, etc.

I got the materials quite awhile ago, and read over them a little at the time, but really, I was busy, so I waited until the week before to really prepare, watching the dvd segments. There have been two classes now; the first was on 'home hurts' (abuse, neglect, parents with drug addictions, and one story from a girl who had been molested by her dad), and this past week was on sex and dating. I was a little nervous going into it, but the youth group is largely older teenagers, and I was OK with talking about those issues with them. I think I'm pretty good at that kind of thing.

Guess who has showed up?

Two high school girls, and six middle school boys, plus one other middle school girl this week.

You got it - I had to try to discuss SEX and DATING with middle school boys. Two of them in particular were DYING of embarrassment, and were acting up so badly out of their horror that I almost had to ~~kill them~~ send them out of the room, back to their parents. I mean, throwing themselves out of their chairs onto the floor, giggling uncontrollably, making inappropriate comments, etc. Maintaining any sort of control of the situation was almost more than I could handle. The older kids were annoyed with the younger ones, the younger ones were too immature to help themselves, and the one boy with Aspergers, who I think might actually be a freshman this year, was pretty bewildered about the whole thing.

The material was WAY over those boys' heads, and frankly wasn't something I would allow Josie to participate in next year. I hadn't realized that the younger kids would be there as well when I agreed to take on the class, because if I had I would have spoken up sooner about how inappropriate I feel the material and forum are for anyone not in high school. I think it's important for younger kids to talk about these things too, so they have some ideas of what's coming and how to deal with pushy or violent dating partners, problems at home, etc, but they're not at the same place high school kids are, and expecting them to react to the material in the same way that the high school kids do is unrealistic. The older kids, for their part, are stuck in the situation of talking about things that maybe they don't want to discuss in front of younger kids, and I'm in the position of having to share things about myself and my own experiences (in order to illustrate choices and create a bond with the kids) that I probably wouldn't share with kids that are so young otherwise. It is a pretty impossible situation.

DH said that I should ask the youth director to come into the room with me, but that felt like a cop out UNTIL I emailed her to explain what has been going on, and ask how she deals with keeping the whole group on track when she's with them, etc. She wrote back and said that she didn't know, that SHE'S NEVER BEEN ALONE WITH THEM HERSELF. She's always got a parent Sunday School teacher with her. Also, she wasn't planning on having mostly younger kids there when she picked the material, AND she didn't send home any info on what it is I'm talking about with them! SO, I'm talking about dating and sex with kids who are really too young, and whose parents have no idea about it. I am WAY uncomfortable with that. You'd better believe that if someone was talking about this stuff with Josie and I didn't know it beforehand, I'd be PISSED. She should have planned this a lot better than she did.

I don't know what's going to happen this week. I'm not quitting, because a) I don't walk away from a challenge - I was even competitive with myself about LABOR, and b) I don't want to give the kids the message that I don't like them, because I know that's exactly what they'll think. The older girls in particular seem to really like me, and I think that's really cool. Hell, it took me an extra twenty years, but finally, I'm popular with the high schoolers! And I'm not walking out on my popularity.

Be Careful What You Say

2010-02-27T18:50:00.003-05:00

When the phone rings at 5pm on a Friday, and the mother of one of your kids' friends asks if you have any plans for the weekend, watch what you say. You could end up having plans made for you!

Remember the woman who would bring her son over around 4:45 to play with Patrick during the fall (until it got too cold to walk the few blocks to get here)? She's baaaaaackkkk.

When she asked me what I was doing this weekend, I said that we didn't have much to do other than usual stuff, and she said that she needed to take two of her other six kids to a wrestling match this weekend, and needed to stay overnight there. I said, sure, he could come over, would it be Friday or Saturday night?

Oh, there was no 'or' about it. She wanted to drop him off in an HOUR, and he would be staying until Sunday. That would be, Friday dinnertime until lunch on Sunday, k-thx.

I could hear him pleading in the backround, and she said that she had been trying to call family to watch him, but he had been begging her to call me, and that frankly she was more comfortable with him staying with us, anyway. What could I say? He's a really nice kid, and I had already said that we didn't have plans. Ta-da! Instant plans!

Of course, she didn't mention that he's got a cough. She said that she'd call when they were settled at wherever the match is, but she didn't. In fact, I didn't hear from her until this evening, when I called her to ask what kind of medicine I should give Boy, because he's been coughing since she dropped him off. In fact, we went to the MD Sci Center today, in Baltimore, so the boys wouldn't get sick of each other and start fighting or something, and he got progressively droopy until, on the way home, we stopped at a Starbucks to get drinks and snacks and he didn't want cocoa or a cookie - that's feeling bad. Had I known that he was heading that way, we probably would have stayed closer to home, but at least he got to go somewhere fun and educational that he's never gone before.

So, I called her, and she said that she just gives him whatever she can afford, and that tomorrow we should call Boy's dad before we drop him off to make sure that the man is up, and not down at the garage working on his bike, but that 12:30 should be OK. If he doesn't answer, call her, and she'll call him and make him answer.

I'm sorry, WHAT? We will have had the boy for two days by then, and the man can't be up and waiting for his son, even if he knows EXACTLY what time at the crack of NOON we're going to be dropping him back off at home!? Especially when he's SICK, plus I think a little homesick, you can't, I dunno, CALL HIM to say goodnight, or call ME to make sure things are OK?!

I get so mad at people. Boy is a great kid, sweet and kind and polite. I know his next oldest brother, too, from school, and he's the same. They're both lagging in their school work, and I'm pretty sure they don't get enough attention at home. Their mom is missing several teeth, and dresses like a teenager. There are seven kids, plus the mother and her boyfriend, plus whatever other adults happen to be living with them at the time, in a townhouse the size of a two-story single-car garage. All of this together makes me want to call her back and say, you know what? We'll just keep him here.

I'm not mad that he's here. I like him very much, and I meant it when I told his mother that he's always welcome in our home. I'm pissed that his mother didn't think about where he could stay until an hour before she was leaving, and that there's so much I feel like he's missing out on. Sure, they have video games and movies (and two pit bulls, OMG), but the kid's never been to a museum or science center in his life, and he can't read. I'm annoyed that I feel like she was trying to guilt/dupe me into taking him, when I would have watched him anyway had she asked a week or two ago, like a normal parent, so I could have planned for him to be here. It pisses me off that he's going to go home to a guy who can't be bothered to be awake or away from his motorbike to greet him. Speaking of which, HE hasn't called to talk to Boy, either. Being financially poor is one thing; there's no shame in that. The mental and emotional poverty I'm sensing from this situation, though, is something else altogether.

Bawk!!!!!! Brrraaawwwwk!!!

2010-02-25T17:11:00.001-05:00

Last night's choir practice was really light, with maybe about half of the people who usually come. That meant that the parts (S,A,T,B) were sitting in a tighter group than usual, and as a result, I ended up sitting about a yard from the choir leader, Toby. He's not the music director, but rather kind of the ruler of all things adult choir, although he's one of the best tenors I've ever heard. He's about 55, short and heavy, with a long beard - once his hair turns white, he's going to be Santa Claus, absolutely.

On a typical rehearsal night, we stay in the upstairs choir room for about an hour, and then go down into the huge sanctuary for the last half hour to rehearse with the organ and get a feel for the real acoustics of the song in the space. Last night, we were actually stuck upstairs, where it's pretty hot, for a long time, because someone was working on the sound system, so we actually went through most of the many pieces that we have in our folders (we're hosting a choir carnivale this weekend, so we have a lot of extra stuff in there at the moment). When we finally got ready to go downstairs, Toby pulled me aside and told me that he wants me to start singing with him, as a duet, for the second services on Sunday mornings. The choir usually only does the much larger first service, so he's been up front with a mic leading the music solo for quite awhile, and he wants someone to help out and take over for him when he's sick / busy / whatever. He also said that it would be a good transition to my performing in the weekly 'special music' slot that occurs during the offering time - every week, or whenever we can find anyone, someone does a performance of some kind during offering, be it playing, singing, or both.

I could have fallen over and died, for several reasons.

On the one hand, I have ALWAYS wanted to perform on my own, or as part of a very small group, but have never felt like it was appropriate to ask. I'm not someone who feels it's appropriate to invite myself to do something like that; I think if someone wants me to do something in particular, they'll ask, and if they don't, it's either not meant to be or I'm not good enough, and I certainly don't want to make an ass of myself, either by asking and being refused or by actually being allowed to do something because everyone is too polite to say that, no, we're sorry, but you stink like month-old dog turdies. Oddly enough, I think it's totally good for OTHER people to volunteer themselves to do things like that, maybe because I can hear them and know they're good, so of course they should feel confident enough to do such a thing. And when I say I've always wanted to do it, I mean that I actually, um, kind of pretend sometimes when I'm singing on my own in the car or whatever, that I, uh, am. doing. it. Yeah, embarrassing, I know, but there you go.

The thing is, not only is Toby a great musician, he's also an older guy, and here's where all my father issues pop up. There's a guy, about my father's age, who I really respect, coming over to me and telling me that he wants ME to do something, that he thinks I'M good at something I've always wanted to be thought of as good at, is a pretty heady experience. On top of all that, he does, I'll admit, pay me some extra attention, I think because I'm one of the youngest people there, and he likes to flirt with girls (not in a creepy way, in a sweet way). So, if you can imagine all of this, you can also probably see that my face was about ON FIRE. I don't remember the last time I blushed like that, but I was probably a lot younger than I am now, I'll tell you.

The problem is that I'm TERRIFIED, and I told him so (of course, I didn't mention any of the other stuff, because if it's embarrassing to admit online, hello!). The very idea makes me so nervous I could almost throw up. I mean, what if I get so scared that I can't sing, or even worse, sing and totally suck because I can't pay attention because everyone is STARING AT ME? OMG. O!M!G! There are only about 100 people in second service, which is only about a third of what comes to first service, but still, that's a lot of people, people.

So I told him I'd think about it. It's not like it's going anywhere, obviously. Really, though, I'm going to be tripping on this for a long time, because this is one of those situations where it's an honor just to be nominated. I know I'll be really disappointed in myself if I don't at least try it, but on the other hand, I physically may not be able to do it. We'll see.

Ridiculous Things

2010-02-23T09:00:00.003-05:00

In the spirit of 'A Few of My Favorite Things', and Dimitri Martin's Important Things, I offer you.... ridiculous things. Because it's all I've got, people!

1. I went to the bank drive-thru yesterday to cash my check from the board of ed. I do this every two weeks, takes five minutes. Yesterday, I somehow crossed over to the Twilight Zone of banking, because the woman behind the sucky-tube speaker-phoned me to ask if I had an account with them (I don't, because they have only ONE branch that I can find, and I'm not paying ridiculous ATM fees everywhere I go). When I said, 'no', she ALMOST KEPT MY CHECK! She told me that I had to come inside, that no one without an account can use the drive-thru, and I most certainly have never been able to do it this way. Also, I would need to show two forms of ID, not just one. ?!?!?! I said, very politely, I might add (for the moment), that no, I've done it this way for a year, and it's always been fine - I thought it might be a new person. She started arguing with me, very loudly, and when I asked her to send my check back, she just looked at me! Finally, I got it back, and, I admit it, pissed, I pulled into a space and went inside. There, another woman AGAIN told me that I had never cashed a check in the drive thru, because it wasn't possible, and that she needed my credit card, AND my fingerprint, AND that there might be a fee attached to cash a check as a non-account holder!!!! I almost took it from her and walked out. I was SO MAD! But, it takes forever to get a check to clear, and I was already there, so I just did it, listening to her tell me over and over that I was wrong about never having been inside before. Finally, she asked if I wanted an envelope, and I said, NO, and grabbed the cash from her and left. Not my finest moment, I'll admit, but SERIOUSLY! Has anyone else noticed that the customer is ALWAYS WRONG these days?!

2. Remember how DH stayed in a hotel during the big storms so he could continue working on the proposal? Well, his company gave everyone two days' administrative leave because the roads weren't plowed. Isn't that nice of them? EXCEPT, since he stayed in a hotel, and worked A HUNDRED AND EIGHTY HOURS last pay period (that's a hundred hours of overtime, people), he can't use it. Nope. He stayed home the rest of that week because of the snow, and exhaustion, but HE has to use comp time to do it. AND (this is even better), the company gives quarterly bonuses, only to people who work more than 600hrs in that quarter. We should qualify easily, right? Nope. DH is having hernia surgery next month, which is in this quarter, and will have to take a week off. That will drop him below the required amount of hours worked. No bonus. (Actually, if you have a family, you can generally forget getting a bonus, since it requires a ridiculous amount of overtime and no vacation leave - if you want your kids to know who you are, you're not getting one.) This is the same company that promised anyone who brought in new high-level employees, rather than them having to use headhunters, a $10k bonus, and then reneged when the guy DH suggested to head a contract (and who was actually hired and is still there to this day, over two years later) didn't have his security clearance yet, and said it was only for people who they hired and ALREADY had their clearance. They gave us what, after taxes, amounted to a nice meal at Friday's instead.

3. The substitute computer system still isn't calling me, and my last check was over a week late. I called the board of ed two weeks ago to ask about it. No response. At least my check did arrive (see above), and was probably just held up in the snow (whatever happened to the mail going through snow, sleet and dark of night?!). I left more messages yesterday, and even then I was told that while it probably seems to coincide with how I had to refuse assignments several times in one day because the system kept calling me when I had called in sick to ask if I'd rather do a different assignment, it was just a coincidence, and she really can't explain it. Sure, because all the other subs who talk about the same thing having happened to them are totally off the mark, too. At least I got two other schools added to my list, one that's really big, and another that specializes in the most serious special ed cases in the area (ie, up to age 21 and may or may not be toilet-able so most people won't go there), so hopefully my chances of being called will increase. Also as likely - I may grow wings.

... and that was just yesterday.

2010-02-22T09:21:00.002-05:00

I was just listening to The Story on my iPod, and the story for the day was two elderly women who found out that they were sisters when they were in their 70's. One had been essentially stolen by a woman who ran an adoption ring in the south; she led unwed mothers to believe that they were giving up their babies to be cared for for a month while they recovered and found a place to live, only to realize too late that they had actually signed their children away. The women signed the papers under duress / while they were still under effects of drugs given to them during labor, so they had no hope of understanding what had happened, and as young unwed mothers at the time, their recourses were about nil.

It got me thinking about lost family, and who might be out there that I am related to. I'm not adopted (although I used to spend a lot of time wishing I would have been), but when my father left, he took with him the only connection I had to his family - his eight brothers and sisters, parents, grandparents, his aunts and uncles, and now my cousins, of which I estimate I must have easily sixteen or so. It boggles my mind to think about it sometimes. I usually tell people that I really have no family other than my mother, which is technically true although now that I know where my father is and this time, chose to walk away from him. Really, though, I have a huge family; I just don't know them.

When I was in high school, my father contacted me for the first time since I was a preschooler, via one of his aunts, who was in her seventies. It was the strangest feeling, coming home and seeing a fat envelope for me in the mail from a woman I had never met, talking about herself, and how he had always been interested in me, etc. When my mother found out, of course the first thing on her mind was getting money from him, since he hadn't paid support in years (he later told me that if he wasn't going to be allowed to talk to me, he wasn't going to give her anything, which I have to admit makes some sense, although I will never really know how much of what either of them says about that is true), but for me, it was like Pandora's box opening on its own. There it was, the potential for information about people I had wondered about for my entire life. My father sent me a few letters, and it was the strangest thing ever to see his handwriting. He offered no explainations, but just wrote about everyday things.

Within a few weeks, a younger cousin - the only one of my cousins I have ever talked to - wrote to me as well. She was lonely, I think, and was looking for someone to talk to. We wrote for awhile, but her letters stopped coming, and I guess she was just too young, or immature, to really keep it up. My great aunt, though, wrote for several months, and a few weeks before my graduation from high school, she actually called me. She said that my grandmother - her sister - wanted to be in touch with me as well, and that they would be sending me a package for graduation. It all seemed too good to be real.

It was. I never heard from her again. No packages arrived. It stopped as suddenly as it started.

My father actually did see me; he was coming to the state because his wife had children here as well, and was going to see them, so they stopped in the town where I lived. My boyfriend and I went to meet them at a restaurant, and then we wandered the local mall. I don't recommend meeting a parent for the first time at a restaurant when you're 18. It was awful, so uncomfortable. He kept offering to buy me things while we were at the mall, but by that point I was Done. I couldn't wait to get out of there. They left town the next day, and I never saw him again, either. He wrote a few more times, but it was strained, and I stopped writing to him after he called me one time, drunk, to lecture me on not getting too serious with my college boyfriend. He stopped writing to me, too, and that was that.

I didn't see or hear from him again until I found him when I was about 30, because my therapist said it might be a good idea. It ended up being too much pressure, and his wife was way too much to take, lecturing me for not calling enough, etc, and that, combined with his refusal to tell me anything about his siblings, or put me in touch with any of the rest of my family, led to my writing to say that I couldn't handle the pressure they were putting on me to be Their Little Girl. Some days I regret that decision a tiny bit, but not usually. The growing, gnawing concern about what he didn't want me to learn about him from his siblings was the final nail in the coffin, I guess.

Now, I actually live not too far from where I was born, and I'll bet there are people I'm related to within an hour of my house. I don't know why none of them chose to continue a relationship with me, especially my grandparents. I would never allow myself to lose touch with the children in our extended family, and it's not like it was a secret where we lived - my mother moved us back into her mother's house, in the same town my parents had lived in while they were maried. I would really, really have loved to have known my cousins, especially being an only child. I don't know if I would really be able to trust any relationship I could have with that side of my family, at least not for a long time, but it would have been nice to have the option. I will always wonder what I've missed out on, since 8 siblings, plus 8 spouses, plus about 16 kids, plus all their kids = about 50 people I should know, and don't. Surely, somewhere in there, there must have been people worth knowing, and loving.

Wish You Were Here

2010-02-19T16:28:00.005-05:00

I miss you, Ryan.

My Dears (and not so much)

2010-02-19T09:21:00.004-05:00

Dear Mr. PTA President,

I am SO GLAD you don't like me, Senor -I-Tell-Everyone-I-Teach-High-School-Sex-Ed-But-Really-It's-Just-HEALTH-CLASS. Ridiculing the teacher who just got out of intensive care because her kidneys almost failed during delivery, and whose baby is in serious condition in the NICU, is grossly tasteless, especially at a PTA meeting. I don't care that your wife (who teaches enrichment at the school, aka, Josie, every day) doesn't like her because she's scatterbrained. I work there too sometimes, asshole, and although maybe she's not a gifted music teacher, she's just young, not that it matters, and I wish I hadn't been too shocked by your comments to rip you a new one. Just because I had the nerve to stand my ground about not having that ridiculous Chuck E Cheese standing outside the school on the day of the fundraiser, reminding poor kids that other children are going to what is essentially a party when they can't afford to (and pissing off parents who aren't taking their kids), doesn't mean you need to make snide remarks when I talk at a meeting ("oh, are you sure you're not going to complain?") for the NEXT SIX MONTHS. Your wife isn't fond of me, either, because Patrick's teachers have asked two years running that she do her job and work with all the advanced kids at the school and not just grades 3-5 (requests which you have refused), and your stellar wit makes me pretty sure of how you both talk about me as well. Thank God. If you liked me, I guess I would be a giant douchecanoe, too. If you're both really *that* too cool for school, then you shouldn't work in one.

Thankfully,
Unpopular

************************

Dear Principal,

Grow a pair. When someone ridicules one of your staff, especially like that, speak up. Don't just look down and type on your laptop like a pussy.

Sincerely,
Not Planning to Work for You When I Graduate

************************

Dear Patrick,

Seriously. Telling me at 8:15 that you're supposed to bring pretzels for the belated Valentine's party this afternoon is a bit much. Calling home twenty minutes later to say that you can't find the lunchbox that you took off of the counter this morning, before getting into the car and going to school, is even worse. Are you sure you didn't just eat it, box and all? Sometimes I think you're going to eat ME if I stop moving. It's not in the house and it's not in the car, so if it's not at the school, that means it's in your stomach. If you poop out a cloth Towmater later, I won't be surprised.

Signed,
Good Grief

*******************

Dear Snow,

Please stop melting. Every day, it looks like the dogs have pooped fifteen times because a whole new poop field gets uncovered by your hasty retreat. I'm all for archaeology, but three-week-old frozen/melted dog crap doesn't count. Not to mention, at this rate, everything is going to be mud in a week. Gross!!!

Sincerely,
Pooped

on a related note -

Dear Dogs,

Please stop pooping. You're killing me. I'm going to cork your asses shut pretty soon. Enough, already!

Sincerely,
Grossed Out

************************

Dear Jeans,

Et tu?! Noooooooooooooooooo! It was bad enough when one pair ripped out the other week, but now this?! Now all of my really comfy jeans are dead!!!! Why, oh why, is the crotch the first to go when you're an adult? Knee-holes are mildly attractive, but crotch holes are skanky / revealing of granny panties. Either way, NOT attractive, especially when bent over scooping poop in the yard.

Sadly,
Soon-to-be Stiff New-Jeans Owner

**********************

Dear Town,

WHEN are you going to finish plowing the streets!? I'm tired of driving on one-lane, taking-turns-coming-and-going roads! Having a bus come by is like taking your life into your hands!!!! Just because there were people parked on the street during the storm doesn't mean that you can leave the six-foot pile of snow there until spring. No one can see around corners while driving, and someone's going to get hit, and sue you, and then we'll NEVER get plowed again!

Sincerely,
WTF?! It's been WEEKS!

Flying Solo

2010-02-18T16:01:00.002-05:00

In our last installment of Astarte is Craz-ay, I had the total drug reaction from hell last Friday night when I took my first Cymbalta. Needless to say, I haven't taken any more of THAT, and rather than starting back on Zoloft right away, I decided to wait until I was sure my system was completely empty of anything that might react with it... just in case.

That was six days ago, and since Cymbalta has a 36hr half-life, I'm pretty much free of it now (by noon Sunday it was half gone, midnight Monday was a quarter, noon Wednesday was an eighth left). The thing is, I feel fine, and not just reaction-recovery-wise.

I mean, my system is essentially drug-free for the first time in almost seven years, and I feel fine. I'm not depressed, or at least I certainly feel better than I did when I was on Wellbutrin. My OCD isn't acting up like it was even a week ago. My stomach problems have scaled way back. I actually feel, dare I say it, pretty damn good, comparitively.

I'm not sure why this is. Maybe it's that I still have a tiny bit of Cymbalta left in me, and since I had such a strong reaction to it, perhaps that tiny bit is all I would have needed as a dose, so I'm still riding that particular chemical wave. Maybe it's that I had such a scare last week that I'm thrilled to just be alive. Maybe it's that the Wellbutrin was really messing with me in a much more serious way than I had thought. Since all of this happened, I've been reading a lot of forums where people have reported their reactions to Wellbutrin, and there are a bunch of people out there who have reported that their depression actually got worse while they were on it, and for people with OCD, many times their symptoms got worse because it can cause hyperactivity/anxiety, which also leads to insomnia, which I had while I was on it. I can tell you right now, the kind of OCD I have, when it's really acting up, is enough to make you want a lobotomy, so that in itself can be enough to increase depression.

Also, I've lost a few pounds. I haven't lost weight in years, no matter what I've done.

So, we will see. If I need to take the Zoloft, I will, but I'm going to wait and see what happens. I have it if I need it. I'm hoping maybe I won't. That would be amazing.

Booyeah!

2010-02-16T20:05:00.003-05:00

Who got a new stove today?

(I got a new stove today!)

Who rewired the outlet?

(I rewired the outlet!)

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah!

(Who's your ~~daddy~~ mommy now, beyotch?!)

(I totally push your buttons, admit it.)

Not-So-Fun Friday Freak-out

2010-02-15T09:12:00.002-05:00

Most of you know that I have OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder. It makes me have uncontrollable, obsessive thoughts and fears that are basically mental home horror movies that spool, unwelcome, through my head like Mike Myers popping up from the dead. Most of them have something to do with my losing control of myself and hurting someone, which is ironic because even the thought is uncontrolled and unwelcome, never mind the ridiculous fears they show. When I was a child, the thoughts were mainly comprised of doors opening and closing continually, or lights flashing on and off, although I didn't know what the fact that I had those thoughts meant at the time, and even if I had, I certainly didn't have anyone to tell about them, anyway, except the person who probably brought the whole mess on. Now, suffice it to say, I am sporradically fearful of anything and everything that could possibly be used to harm someone. I'm cooking? What if I somehow smash someone over the head with the pan? What if I somehow spill the boiling water on the stove on the people in the living room (don't ask me how this would occur)? And so on.

I used to take Zoloft to control my OCD, and the depression it brings on (because fighting this stuff all the time is not only exhausting, it's also really depressing for obvious reasons), but it made me gain a lot of weight, so last year I asked my doctor to let me try something else, and she put me on Wellbutrin, which is in a different class and has actually been off-label scripted for weight loss. While it didn't make me lose weight, it gave me a lot of side affects, like blurrier vision, difficulty sleeping, hyperactivity, and, on top of all of that, it didn't control my depression or OCD, which were worsening as time went on. The tricky thing was, since both things are a little sneaky, I didn't realize how depressed I was getting again; I knew the OCD was acting up, but until recently, when it started being unbearable, I was trying so hard not to focus on it that I didn't put two and two together, probably because I was too depressed to notice.

I actually went back to the doctor the other day, not because of those things, but because I have had *terrible* intestinal problems for the past several months, and I had chalked it up to my gallbladder being removed a year and a half ago. Turns out, Wellbutrin can - and often does - cause insane, shall we say, trots, in a lot of people, particularly those who are already predisposed. Then it all came out about how it also wasn't working for anything else, and after a little bit of looking around, she gave me some Cymbalta to try, 30mg samples for 7 days, 60mg for the next 14, come back in three weeks.

Hooray! I thought, and I couldn't wait to take it, which I did at midnight when I went to bed.

An hour later, I sat straight up, unable to breathe. My heart was hammering so hard I couldn't tell the individual beats; it was like a butterfly in my chest. My head was swimming, and I was on the verge of passing out, not to mention vomiting. This, of course, brought on a massive panic attack, and DH called 911. He rubbed my back until they paramedics got there, and I did my best to deep breathe; by the time the guys arrived, I had managed to control my heartrate somewhat, and wasn't on the verge of passing out. My blood pressure was still way up, for me, but I was coming around. They stayed with me for awhile, and then let me stay at home rather than go to the hospital. I managed to go to sleep about an hour later.

The next morning, I got out of bed and came downstairs to let the dogs out, only to have everything go grey about five minutes later. My legs were like lead, and I had to crawl back up the stairs to the bed so I wouldn't tumble down the stairs if I should pass out on the way there. I had to stay in bed for the next several hours. DH brought me some pancakes, and I finally made it to the shower. I was pretty out of it for most of the day, and didn't get back to normal until Sunday morning.

The one benefit that came out of all this is that, even with the horrendous side effects, I noticed an immediate difference in both my ability to cope with the OCD and in my depression - it actually pointed out to me exactly how depressed and unpredictable I had become. Not to mention, now that the Wellbutrin is out of my system, my extended vacations in the bathroom have stopped. I've decided that I'm going back to Zoloft. I still have some of the lowest dose here because I had just filled a new bottle when she switched me. It never trapped me in the bathroom, which is completely undoable when you're in the classroom, or made me freak out, and it controlled everything I needed controlled. I will work with the weight thing as best I can. This has taught me a valuable lesson - stay with the devil you know!

If the Stove's Too Hot... Maybe It's On Fire!

2010-02-14T14:16:00.003-05:00

We have had a stove that some friends very generously gave us almost two years ago, when they redid their kitchen and got new stuff, because the stove we inherited when we moved in here was really junky and definitely older than I am. It's bisque-colored, which matches our cabinets, and looks pretty. It cooks pretty well, and the oven temp is usually right-on.

Until two days ago, when it decided that it was done with me, and decided to cook its own meal. Namely, my beautiful, shiny red teapot.

It was very windy here that day, and the heat was on, plus the gas fireplace, so we didn't think anything of it when something smelled a little hot. I was on my way into the kitchen to make some cocoa, and even the kitchen was kind of warm, which is unusual in this drafty old house, since the pantry was built over the crawlspace under the porch, meaning it's not insulated. That's actually what caught my attention first, that it *smelled* warm in the kitchen. I looked around, and there didn't appear to me anything amiss - the burners were black, the oven was off, my shiny black kettle sitting quietly...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My kettle was scorched black!!!!!!! The burner *was* on, and was so hot it was black too, I just couldn't see the little indicator light because the handle of the kettle was in the way!!!!!!!! The thing was, the knob was in the right place, but the burner was on anyway, and the knob itself was so hot by then that we couldn't try turning it, plus the blackened kettle was glued to the burner in front of it, anyway. We hadn't heard anything because the lid to the kettle was off so the water we had boiled hours before could cool. We ended up having to unplug the stove to get it to go off.

A few hours later, once everything was cooled off, we were able to pry my poor, ruined kettle off of the burner, which had red ceramic baked onto it, and move the knob. It turned out that something inside the knob area inside the stove must have broken off, because the "off" position is now about half an inch to the left of where it used to be. So, even though it had been turned off, the burner was still on, and probably had been for a long time.

We are SO lucky this didn't happen at night, or worse, during the day when I wasn't here. I'm certain there would have been a full-blown fire at some point, or maybe the kettle would have melted all over the stove, or exploded somehow. Either way, not a good situation. Now I'm afraid to plug the damn thing back in, so we're stuck until our new stove, which is a gorgeous, all-pushbutton convection model (even nicer than the one the county forced us to leave behind in the house they'll be knocking down in a few months, so there!) arrives sometime on Tuesday. I will probably use the oven for dinner tonight, so I'll plug it back in and then unplug it again when I'm done. I'm not comfortable with it being plugged in when I'm not looking at it.

Rest in peace, pretty kettle. We bought a replacement last night, but it just won't be the same. :(

Here We Go Again - Winter Edition

2010-02-10T08:11:00.005-05:00

Well, here we are, buried in snow again.

I know, I know, to you midwesterners and Canadians, what's been happening over here in the mid-Atlantic is nothing. Hell, I've seen worse myself, having lived in New England until Iwas 23. However, for this part of the country, this is incredible. After all, it didn't even snow AT ALL last winter (which was a terrible disappointment). Frankly, I feel that if it's going to be cold and winter, it might as well snow, and the more snow, the better. I would be thrilled if we got a yard every week. Eventually, the county would get used to it and the kids would return to school.

Oh, you didn't know that kids don't go to school here when there's snow? Welcome to my world, people. The kids haven't been in school since noon last Friday, and from where I'm sitting, it's more than likely that there will be no school this week, period. There are many places that haven't finished digging out from the 30in we got over the weekend, nevermind the new 10-20in we're getting between yesterday and today!

So, the kids and I have been having a LOT more together time than usual. Josie is doing OK, but Patrick is starting to crack. He needs to get out and go to school. He's run out of normal things to talk about nonstop, and has moved on to the ridiculous - " What if we got millions of inches of snow?!" "What if snowplows fell from the sky?" "What if cars all piled up like giants?" It's the what if's that are going to kill me people. Snow, blizzards, 40mph winds, fine, but the what if's are going to drive me straight to Jack Nicholson territory.

Know what's great about heavy snow, though? Watching the dogs plow through it, and the concerned looks on their faces when they have to figure out how to poop in snow up to their necks. Mostly, though, they tear around like crazy people and beat down what amounts to racetracks in the snow.

At least DH is finally home. Like AndreAnna, I didn't mention this much (if at all), but DH hasn't really been around since new year's. He was gone the entire first week of the month at a conference in CA, and two days after he returned, a massive request for proposal was issued from the government that involved the merging of a contract his company won years ago and that of another contractor. As manager of the entire technical portion of the 75pp proposal, he had to be there pretty much all the time. Since he got back from CA, DH has pretty much been living at the office, getting home later and later until, finally, he started staying overnight. Last week, he stayed Wed night, and then, knowing we were going to get a ton of snow, he got a hotel room near his office last Friday... and then proceeded to be snowed in THERE rather than here at home. (Yes, people, that means I waded out and shoveled the sidewalk, front and back walks, and our two car driveway BY MYSELF last weekend, all 30in of it.) Then, Monday night, the powers that be decided to pull an all-nighter to get the thing out a day early, so they worked from the usual 7am Monday until noon yesterday straight. DH got home around 1:30, and will be taking off the rest of the week.

Charity of the Month - February

2010-02-07T08:11:00.003-05:00

While I'm planning on focusing on one specific charity in this post (for which I hope you will forgive my blatent nepotism), the issue here is a broader one. Across the country, millions of people, primarily high school seniors, are applying for financial aid. Not only is this a difficult process, but with government loans in particular the road can be hairy at best, as last year the budget shortfall made students' aid checks, which are mailed directly to the schools, weeks and even months late. While direct scholarships are less dependent on governmental beaurocracy, with so many in need, grant and scholarship applications are flooding in to organizations that have been, in turn, affected by a downturn in donations. If you are at all inclined to contribute to an education-related fund, now would be a good time.

This month's focus is on a particular fund that is both hard and uplifting for me to talk about. As most of you know, my nephew, Ryan, died almost exactly three years ago, at the age of sixteen, in a sledding accident. As a junior, he was in the process of looking into colleges and taking his SATs, preparing for the full life ahead of him. His death was a terrible loss that we all feel every day. His twin sister is now twenty and in college herself, and he has two baby twin sisters who he will never meet, but who will hear about their brother all the time from those of us who love him.

To keep Ryan's memory and dream of college alive, his parents established the Ryan Conley Memorial Fund, a scholarship that benefits local high school seniors. Rather than focusing only on acedemics, its goal is in assisting those who have been involved consistently in community service, as Ryan was, get a start on their life, whether it be college, business, or employment with a community service organization. Preference is given towards children of community servants such as teachers, EMTs and firefighters. Ryan volunteered extensively at the local firehouse where his father is a member, and it was that unit that essentially rappelled down the icy embankment in an effort to save him.

To donate, or find out more about the fund, click here.

Ryan and his twin sister, Corinne, on their farm, shortly before his death.

The Outsider

2010-02-03T13:55:00.002-05:00

I'm discovering that substituting is actually a very strange profession, especially when all of my previous jobs have involved becoming close friends with coworkers and feeling like a real Part of Something. It's very outsider-ish, a little like being back in high school, actually.

First off, the phone-a-sub school board computer system is my obnoxious boyfriend. It calls substitutes it favors - those who have put out the most, meaning the elderly women you see rolling down the halls, scowling, and who don't really work with the kids so much as Watch Them because they've been here for fifty years. The System will discrimiate against you if you turn it down too many times, and stop calling you, like that guy who pestered you for more action and then totally spurned you when you didn't put out enough in favor of the 'easier' girls who say yes all the time. Like a boyfriend, no amount of staring will make it call once it has decided it is done with you.

Really, you just have to pray that you'll be popular enough to withstand the ostracizing. Not with the children, who kind of represent the middle-crowd of popularity, the ones who are there en masse, but really have no control over anything. No, I'm talking about with the teachers. If they're not really enamoured with you, you're not getting any work, especially if the phone system has already broken up with you. If they're having an off day, or are feeling too lazy/sick to call the system and ask specifically for you to cover for them, you're out like the groupie who sits at home on Friday night when the cool kids forget them.

When you are lucky enough to get a date with a teacher's class, you're the big fish in a little pond, that person who the 'cool kids' saw fit to invite along as an equal, and in turn you feel special too, to have been specifically requested by someone.

However, you are still not Cool, which you are quickly reminded of when you need to interact with the actual Cool teacher-people, particularly in the staff room. You trot in for lunch with your lunchbox and drink, and sit down at the lunch table with all the cool kids, happy to hang out. Then, no one sits next to you, at least on purpose. They're polite, and will generally speak if spoken to, but most won't initiate any conversation, or make any effort to really include you. There are lots of in-jokes, and all sorts of plans for after work and weekend trips. You quickly remember, these are not really your friends. It's easy to be confused, but as always, the lunch room is the Great Strainer, dividing people into grape-like bunches of friends, and those lone little grapes who slide through the holes and into the sink. It's almost worse than actually being ignored, in a way, this polite aquaintance, because the substitute is the new kid, the one who will hear all the plans but never be a part of them, who will love the children but will only see them once in awhile, and who will go home not knowing if she was cool enough, this time, to at least be the one that the Cool kids call when they need something.

It's a lonely time. You watch others being picked by the Cool kids, and even work alongside Cool-kids-in-training, who are already getting their degree in Cool, and will beat you to having their own little classroom-kingdom. These younger people are, in a way, already cooler than you are, which is infuriating. Wanting in, and wanting to have my own little kingdom so badly, it is hard to watch others pass me by on their way to having what I covet.

Someday, I will once again have real coworkers, and I will be a part of something. I won't have the in-my-face reminder that I am currently an outsider. I will make sure to include people like me, and stop in to see them on their breaks, rather than walking by to talk to other people. I will spread the Cool.

Work, Already!

2010-01-31T16:34:00.002-05:00

Why don't things work anymore when you buy them?! I am so frustrated! Two of the things I bought Patrick for his birthday didn't work now.

The first one was a Klutz book that was about making toothbrush robots. It seemed like a cute idea, and it came with two already-robotized tothbrush heads. One worked really well, the other not so much. Ten minutes later, neither one was working at all. It totally sucked, because the kids were really excited about them. I wrote to the company, saying that I was disappointed, and saying that I was concerned that now their company was getting larger their products may not be as well made. I got a kind of snippy email back talking about how that product had won awards, and people really liked it, and that sometimes one out of thousands of things won't work. To their credit, they did offer to send me new brushbots, so I have to send them our address and we'll see what happens.

Even more annoying was the microscope we opened up today. Yes, he's had it for two weeks now, but we didn't open it until now. First of all, it wasn't the heavier-weight metal that it looked to be made of - it was *painted* like it was. The actual parts were lightweight, and the dials were cheap silver-painted plastic. Second, it wasn't a plug-in model like I had thought it was. It got light either from a tiny mirror that had to be positioned just right underneath or from a very small lightbulb that was supposed, according to the instructions, turn on automatically when the mirror side was turned down and the lightbulb faced upwards. It didn't work AT ALL. The lightbulb doesn't fit in the casing properly, and the electrical connection doesn't function, period. It's a total piece of junk. It wasn't a really cheap one, either - it was $50. So, we spent all that time getting everything out, and getting out the prepared slides I had bought him, and he got all excited, only to be disappointed again. WTF.

The thing is, I know that there are going to be some people who would hear this story and say, well, it was only $50, what did you expect? I think we've gotten to a point where we almost expect things to not work at all, and companies know that, and play on it. If a company can't make something well, why sell it? It seems like a lot of effort on everyone's part on what is basically a bet that the consumer is so brow-beaten that we won't bother to return faulty merchandise. I don't have the receipt for the thing, but I do have my bank statement, and since it's the only thing I bought there, I'm going to print out the page and bring it with me. I got it at a small hobby store about an hour from here, and they seemed like the kind of people who will respect that and give me a refund.

This just goes right along with the phone and internet problems I've had this month. Things don't work, and the companies don't seem to care. It's totally obnoxious!

So, once I return that, I will probably go to another store and get a more expensive one,

Thanks for the Extra White Hairs

2010-01-26T13:13:00.005-05:00

I find as I get older, the number of things I'm afraid of has gotten smaller in some ways, but bigger in others.

For instance, I'm finally not afraid of the dark (which took longer than usual because of that damn Scream movie, which I can't even think about without feeling all squirmy inside). I'm not afraid to be alone at night when DH is on a trip, and our old house is creaking. I'm not afraid of spiders (although they're still GROSS). Things like that.

The things I *am* scared of, though, have gotten larger and much more specific. One of those things is that we'll have a Home Invasion. I'm not talking about a regular break-in, where someone takes your stuff and leaves; I'm talking about the kind our neighbors almost had, and that I hear about on the new sometimes - the kind where a group of men break into the house seemingly for the express purpose of hurting people. I don't know if this is some kind of gang thing, or what, but it seems that I hear about that kind of thing more and more lately.

I was actually laying in bed this morning after DH left for work at 6, thinking about this, when I heard a noise that wasn't the usual creaking of the pipes. It was a quite sound, one of those that you almost don't even really hear, but it was enough that Baci, sleeping next to me on the bed, lifted his head up, too. I had just decided that it was nothing when I heard a definite squeak of the back door opening downstairs. I sat up, and my heart started racing. No way, I thought. How can somebody be breaking in WHILE I'M WORRYING ABOUT SOMEONE BREAKING IN?! It flashed in my mind that DH had left about twenty minutes before, a similar circumstance as the attempted invasion across the street.

At the sound of a heavy footstep in the entryway, I sprang out of bed and flew to Josie's room, intending to pull her into Patrick's room and barricade the room shut with his bed. I grabbed the door, hearing what was obviously a man coming towards the stairs, and flung it open just as I heard, 'It's me - I forgot my wallet' from the landing.

I'm telling you, I almost collapsed. I shut Josie's door and grabbed onto the frame for dear life. All the adrenaline flooded out of me, and my whole body went cold. I had to get back onto the bed and sit down. I was too scared to even cry.

DH apologized up and down, saying he knew there would be no way to get in without scaring me, which isn't true because if he had SAID SOMETHING while he was downstairs everything would have been fine, but I couldn't even say that. Thank goodness he said something when he did, before I got to Josie and woke her up by telling her there was someone in the house. I was just so happy that no one was coming into our house, making their way straight to the upstairs, where the kids are, especially my daugher who is starting to look like a Girl, that I didn't even care. It took a good ten minutes for my heart to stop racing. Even writing this has me a little freaked out again.

You may have noticed that I didn't mention any barking, or growling, from the dogs. Those damn fools, who bark all day at people, dogs and birds going by the house, did not ONE THING? Baci didn't get up until I did, and even then stayed with me rather than running downstairs. Delilah didn't get up at all. A hundred and fifty pounds of teeth between them, and not one thing! And it wasn't that they knew it was him, either, because that would have had them up and running.

So, everything else seems really unimportant today. If I don't get a job when I graduate, if the IRS charges us an arm and a leg this year, whatever, I don't care. My babies got off to school safe and sound, and were none the wiser.

Smarts

2010-01-22T10:39:00.003-05:00

Just to make you laugh, my kids, who were off for three days following our last snowstorm even though the weather was gorgeous, are in school today, when it is sleeting and hailing. WTF.

Josie is actually at home for the second day. She has this coughing, snotty thing that won't go away. I took her to the dr yesterday, and it's nothing serious, just something gross. The thing is, she's perky and wants to go to school, but I wouldn't feel right subjecting the other kids and her teacher to whatever this is, so she's at home with me.

I actually am happy that she's been here. I love having her around. She's nearing eleven (hold on, I have to get out the paper bag... in...out.... OK), and she's so witty and perceptive and funny and just smart. I love to watch and listen to her. Plus, for an added benefit, she's still young enough to think that I'm brilliant and cool, so it's the best of both worlds.

So many of you have posted about your child's first kiss, or getting their periods, or whatever, and it got me thinking this morning about how she's starting middle school this fall. Holy sheet, people. It kind of wandered across my radar a few weeks ago when we were at the testing place for Patrick's magnet exam, because the woman talked about the middle school programs as well. She said that those of us with children in enrichment programs would be getting paperwork to enroll our kids in merit programs, which I take to be magnet-lite - they're not magnet programs, which she rather snottily said are only for the 'truly gifted' (nose in the air), but are still advanced, and we'll get a copy of our kid's potential schedule early as well.

I'm glad about getting her schedule early, and the merit paperwork, so I can ease into this whole thing. Josie didn't want to apply for magnet middle school because she wants to stay with her friends, who will also be merit, in her school. She would almost definitely get into the arts-language magnet program if she wanted to, but I respect her decision. With any luck, Patrick will be accepted into his choice.

However, I didn't appreciate the woman's tone about 'gifted kids'. "Let's face it, these kids are the ones who are going to get into the big universities. They're the ones who are going on to big things." Just the way she said it was so offensive to me, like they were better than other children and we were all in on some secret society, IF our children could make the cut. I have friends who haven't bothered to apply because they've talked to her and decided that they didn't want their kids to be part of whatever she's got going on and get big heads. On the one hand, it's flattering to be told that your child is Fabulous, but on the other, it feels like greasy pandering. It bothers me that someone in the dept of ed seems to place a higher value on some children while passively disparaging others.

So listen up, lady: my multi-challenged nephew will have a special place in this world, and so will all the special ed kids I've worked with, even if it's not a place you put value in.

The Trifecta of Evil

2010-01-18T09:17:00.003-05:00

OK, to sum up, this has been my past ten days with the trifecta of evil - Verizon, Direct TV, and Best Buy.

Dear Verizon,

Since you are the bearer of most of my problems, I will start with you. Oh, sweet allure of lower-cost service and integrated discounts with satellite TV, I could resist you no longer. Your one-hour install took seven, and still isn't what I'd call blazingly fast. Also, surprise, it's not fast enough to use with Direct's on-demand service without kicking us off the internet! Don't worry, I didn't want to be online anyway; my classes aren't that important. Whose idea was it to have people say 'I'm sorry for your inconvenience, ma'am' every five seconds'? They are not sorry, because without people like me, they wouldn't have a job over there in India, and also, they're not trained enough to solve my problems, and invariably transfer me back to the States, so it's like being in the way station for hell, where the demons are politely apoligizing as they poke you in the ass with their ethernet cables. I'm convinced this is true, because the woman on your phone service is definitely the devil, keeping me in endless loops of button pushing and number reciting until, finally, fifteen minutes later, you tire of our little game and either a) hang up on me or b) let one of your lesser minions play with me via live chat for awhile before being a) disconnected or b) pushed onto yet another demon. I'm getting off the ride, and going back to cable as soon as I can get it turned back on.

Sincerely,
Steamed

Dear Direct Tv,

I understand that I'm carrying a few extra pounds, and appreciate your attempts to help me with that by mis-programming my remote so I have to get up all the time to switch between the TV and DVD. Also, you are definitely fostering family interaction by kicking me off the internet every time you start to download something from on-demand. Your incredibly slow download time, which I understand is via partnership with Verizon's 'keep India's techs employed' program, makes sure that my husband and I get up to two hours of no-internet time as you download movies at the speed of snail. I know you tried to save me that trouble by not leaving me the wireless adapter for the DVR, so I couldn't download anything. Finally, I can see that your office appreciates their quiet time, too, as the installer unplugged all of my phones to use the outlets for the TV service, so I couldn't call out or get calls in until I realized that something must be wrong, and found my phones completely drained of power. That did at least save my internet for a few days, as I played phone games with your customer service folks, who gave me all sorts of strange information (no, you don't need a wireless connector for the DVR, it's MAGIC! and (no, we have one where you can just use the outlets - it's MAGIC!) before finally getting me to someone who told me that yes, I do need a wireless adapter, and yay! It's only $90! AND, thanks to him for recommending I go back to Best Buy and get a new wireless router, because DSL isn't actually fast enough to use your service as advertised! So, thanks, Direct, for making sure my family is forced to be together by removing our ability to phone, internet, and taking all our extra cash so we can't go out. You know just what we really need!

Sincerely,
The Family that Does Everything Together, uh, Gets Sick of Each Other

Dear Best Buy,

Hello, dear friend. You were one of my favorite stores for years, with your shiny products and helpful employees. Sadly, I think you have one store that has fallen onto, shall we say, the Party Boat to Nowhere. I don't know who these lost souls are, but they know nothing about direct TV or, apparently, wireless networking, judging from the startled look on the face of the assistant (and I use that term loosely) that was listening to me explain my need for a wireless transmitter for my DVR. Yes, Dorothy, Oz has replaced the flying monkeys with wireless internet! I know I blew your little mind, but it's true! Sadly, the employee didn't believe me, and wouldn't get online and check, so I left the store empty-handed, to order it on the phone (again with the phone). I gave the store a chance to redeem itself later, when I returned to get a better wireless router for my DSL, and picked the router advertised as being $119 on the shelf. Imagine my shock when I found it was actually $169! I might have found out earlier that it was mis-shelved, but the entire department was too busy telling jokes and laughing to wait on any of the ten or so people shopping there at that time. They also might have been able to tell me that it wouldn't work with Vista 64-bit, saving me two hours' worth of frustration, but no matter. I needed the practice in non-explosive anger management techniques, anyway. I brought back your product, and you were amazed, but I figured you seem to like jokes so much, you would want to play one again on someone else. Have fun, and take care, because you and I won't be seeing each other for quite awhile!

Sincerely,
Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice, Goodbye You!

... one other thing

2010-01-15T09:15:00.003-05:00

I wanted to put this in its own post, because it's important.

My friend L has been in the process of adopting Em, 2, who is in foster care, for eighteen months. Em doesn't live with L full-time, because they didn't find her until after she was placed with another family that happened to be friends with L. However, over the past year and a half, they have lived together for longer and longer periods, spending all vacations, weekends, holidays, birthdays, field trips, everything, together - just her legal guardian is still the other family, so she has to spend some time living there as well.

The case was supposed to be settled on Halloween, which is both L's birthday and mine. It was continued for three months, the judge said to make sure that there would be no further action by her drug-addicted, alcoholic, in-and-out-of-jail birth parents. The final court date was scheduled for the 31st of this month.

Two days ago, L got a call that the state has found distant relatives for Em in NJ. The entire process may fall through.

There's a meeting with this newfound family member, social services, and L next Friday. If it goes well, L still has a chance. If it doesn't, L could lose the baby who is effectively her daughter, and who has been calling her Mommy for over a year, with no chance of ever seeing her again, in the blink of an eye.

So, please, whatever karma, meditation, prayer, omen, spell, or balloon-wish you can send her way, do it. She's been crying, obviously, since she got the call two days ago. She can't have biological children of her own, and this girl is all her hopes and dreams in one little curly-headed bundle.

Results!

2010-01-15T08:50:00.002-05:00

So, after I sent the letter on Friday to Girl's mom, I didn't hear back. Nothing. I started freaking out a little, thinking maybe I'd totally misjudged her, etc, and getting scared that now the girls' friendship was totally screwed. Then, on Saturday late afternoon, Girl called and apologized. I'm telling you, it was like the skies had parted and there were angels singing and the whole bit. PHEW! Then, yesterday, I saw Girl's mother at the school, and she actually came over and thanked me for writing to her (again, almost passing out with relief). She said that Girl does the same thing at home, not knowing when to quit, and she had believed me immediately about the whole thing. She also said something interesting - Girl had the same thing done to her last year by her former best friend (AGAIN with the awful friends!), and didn't sleep a good night all last year because she was so sick over her friend treating her this way and not knowing what to do about it. (Incidentally, I know that other girl, who doesn't go to their school anymore, because she and Josie were on the same soccer team, and she's a total horror show, but so is her mother, and by the middle of the year she had been pulled out of school for 'personal issues'.)

So, it was interesting that Girl had had the same thing done to her, but of couse being young she didn't see that it was the same thing in reverse, because to her the awfulness she experienced (on a much greater level) the year before was nothing like the 'friendly teasing' she was doing. Her mother said that Girl had waited until the end of Sat to call because her brother wouldn't be around to hear her on the phone when she had to talk about it to Josie, and then she couldn't sleep all night on Sunday because she was so nervous to have to face Josie. I can imagine just how she felt, poor thing, because when I do something wrong inadvertently I feel just the same way. Anyway, of course things are fine now, and Josie's sleeping over there tonight.....

... because tonight is Patrick's birthday party!!!!!! (Josie doesn't want to deal with all the little boys, so she's not coming.) We're going to Pump It Up, a store-place that's filled with inflatables that the kids can bounce on for 90min. Phew! We're doing a Crazy 8 party, which is the birthday child and 8 friends, because on a weekday it's only $125, versus on the weekend you have to do a full-sized blowout and it's about $300. I know people who have paid that, and invited the whole class, and I think they're NUTS. (No offense if you've done that. ) We just can't afford that kind of thing. The only problem was that my nephew, who lives 90min away, would have had a hard time coming, and his mom was really upset with me (I understand her frustration, because Brandon doesn't have a lot of outside-school friends, and doesn't get invited places often, and I did feel bad, but what could I do?), but even that worked out because another cousin ended up scheduling a party for tomorrow, and he'll be going to that instead. Phew!

So, my boy is 7. I can't believe it. We did a family gathering last weekend, and then last night we gave him our gifts, which were legos, the game Camp, The Lego Book (which is AWESOME -it's a boxed set of two books, one that details lego from the beginning, how they made the movie sets, the backround of the lego video games, etc, and the other is a book of all the lego people ever made - they're all full of giant photos and color and are SO COOL!!! ahem.), a Pokemon visual guids, and - drumroll, please - a microscope and three sets of slides (one of different kind of bug wings, one of human body samples, and one of various bug parts). It's not a massive microscope, but it's a good starter one, I think. I hope. You can never really tell until you use it, I suppose.

Today is a half day of school, and we're going to do science experiments with his kit from Xmas, and go out and spend some of his gift cards. Then we'll stop at the bakery and he can pick out a cake to have his name put on, because I just haven't had time to make dirt cups for school for yesterday, get gifts, fight battles with new TV and internet services (more on that later), etc. I feel a little guilty, but what can you do? They won't care, anyway. :)

What I Did

2010-01-08T19:35:00.002-05:00

Everybody, thank you so much for your comments!!! I was awake this morning after letting the dogs out at the ass-crack of dawn, trying desperately to go back to sleep already, thinking about all of this.

Sarah mentioned that reading groups of words at a time is called intuitive reading; I haven't looked that up yet, but that's *exactly* what I've always done, and I'm sure that's what Josie's doing as well. I didn't know there was a word for it! I'll bet that's what those 'read faster' companies teach, come to think of it. Anyway, cool that there's a term for it!

I read all your responses, and decided to ask Josie if it would be OK if I mentioned what was going on to Girl's mother, and she actually said yes, which I wasn't expecting. To be honest, I thought she'd say no, my entire dilemma would be a moot point, and I could move on, because she's not usually one to get riled up enough to want my help with anything. Generally, when people say things, she doesn't care, and brushes them off. That tells me that she's really, truly upset, which in turn made ME more upset about it.... so, you guessed it, I emailed Girl's mother.

I was very careful, and asked if she could do me a favor and talk to Girl about some things she'd been saying to Josie, and explained everything that had happened. I emphasized that we really like Girl, and that I know that this isn't her usual behavior, but that whatever is going on really needs to stop because Josie is either going to start yelling or crying pretty soon, and I didn't think that would be good for their friendship. I explained how hard Josie has worked, and that she's already really disapponted about the team having to be let go this year, and that I hadn't said anything before because I figured when meetings started that things would work themselves out, but since there aren't going to be meetings, and it's still happening, I decided to talk to her, and I hoped that that was OK.

I haven't heard back, and I'm trying not to be concerned about it. For all I know, she hadn't checked her email yet, which would be a little weird, but could happen, since they were having internet trouble earlier in the week. Josie said that Girl didn't bring it up at lunch today, which could either mean that Girl got tired of it, or her mother, who works there, caught her in the hallway and told her to cut it out. Whatever. It's funny what kind of monster rises up inside you when you think there's something going on with your kid, isn't it? I really don't care if Girl doesn't like me anymore, or if her mother is upset with me, or any of that, as long as my baby isn't getting picked at anymore. Well, maybe I care a little, but it's OK. My only concern is that Girl will be mad at Josie for telling me, and my getting her into trouble, if that's what happens, but I don't think that will happen. She's generally a nice girl, and I think she will be genuinely sorry once she realizes that this has been a Problem. I hope.

Frenemies

2010-01-07T19:18:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had those friends who were really enemies in disguise? Those ones who, surely, were your besties, but really they were just junior-assholes-in-training? I've had a few of those over the years, most notably my high school best friend, Mary, who, as it played out, was trashing me to anyone and everyone she could, including her family, calling me everything from slut on down, etc. Not to mention, she DATED the guy who raped me, and FLAUNTED it. In fact, she tried to date every boyfriend I had, including ones that were still mine, by lying to them and just plain making stuff up. I realize now, looking back on it, that she is *exactly* like my mother, and I was probably friends with her because her treatment was familiar, and also because since she was nice to my face, I was getting affection by proxy from someone I had wanted it from for years. We haven't spoken for years; I stopped talking to her after she called me on 9/11 to ask, in a tell-me-more voice, what I'd seen, rather than if I, and everyone I knew, was OK (this was when we were living and working a few miles outside DC). I didn't tell her it was over, I just never called again.

At the moment, Josie has a friend who is getting on my NERVES. She's nothing like the girl I dealt with, but she's being a little bitch in her own way, and it's making me want to smack her. Josie is a great reader, and takes after me in that we both can easily read a book a day. Josie and this friend, along with another friend and a few other kids, were supposed to be in a Battle of the Books competition, which is run by libraries across the country and is kind of like being a mathlete, only with the questions surrounding a list of 20 children's classics. Between the time Josie got the list in November and now, she's read all the books but one. The team had to be disbanded because the woman in charge of it had a sudden schedule change, and they were short a few kids for the team. She's disappointed, but it's fine.

This friend, who is actually a girl that I like a lot, and whose mother I also know and like, has taken to DAILY making comments like, 'well, it's probably because no one was reading the books but Catherine and I, because Josie isn't really reading them, she's just skimming them.' EVERY DAY. Josie has explained to her over and over that no, she has actually read them, and cut it out, but nothing works. I told her that Girl is probably just jealous, because she's very competitive like Josie is, and she is having a hard time believing that anyone could be so much better at something than she is. Either that, or she's having fun getting Josie's goat. Regardless, Josie's starting to get really pissed, and so am I. This morning, I walked into the school with Girl and her mother, and we were talking about how it was too bad the team had to break up, and I mentioned that Josie had read all the books because she reads a book every day like I do, which is one of the only things I do really well. I said it in full hearing of Girl, hoping it would shut her up, but it didn't - same comments at lunch today.

I am tired of hearing this crap coming home, and am at the point where I want to Make it Stop. Josie worked really hard to get all of those books read, and she did a great job. I don't care why Girl feels the need to get on her all the time, but it has to end. I don't want Josie feeling like she has to put up with garbage like that from friends, and I don't want Girl, who is otherwise quite nice, to get the idea that her behavior is OK.

SO, what do I do? I see Girl all the time. Should I innocently start a conversation about reading myself and talk about how I finished Book on the Table in a day, and get the ball rolling there, not really mentioning her behavior specifically, but just generally talking about strengths, or should I go straight to her mother and explain what's been going on, and ask for her help to stop it? We're really friendly, and I also work with her when I sub. Or, do I stay out of it? The other option is to talk first to a mutual friend and see what she thinks, whether her opinion is that the mother would be open to that kind of conversation or not and how she thinks I should broach it. I *think* the mother would be OK with me telling her, but on the other hand, no one likes to hear bad things about their kids, so it might be thin ice.

Giving: Month One

2010-01-06T22:10:00.003-05:00

As part of my resolution to be more giving, you will see to the right a new widget, created by the Network for Good, which I found via Kevin Bacon's charitible foundation 6degrees . The Network for Good allows people to buy donation cards as gifts, which the recipient can then use to donate to any one of almost two million charities listed on the website by logging on and selecting organizations and doling out their gift card's value. It's pretty cool, and I'll be using it a lot from now on, so those of you who actually get gifts from me in person, be prepared.

This month, I'm featuring the Salvation Army, specifically, the Salvation Army organizations of of Sumpter, SC and Little Rock, AR. As most people know, the SA has a religous basis, but does not discriminate as to who may receive services (eg, you don't have to be any particular faith, or any at all, to receive cold, disaster, or food aid, etc). All of us are probably the most familiar with them via their red kettles and bell ringers that are outside stores every Christmas season.

The reasons I have picked the SA are twofold.

First, disgustingly, a Salvation Army Major was murdered in front of his three small children outside of an SA facility in Little Rock, AR on Christmas eve. He was shot, and died, for the money in his kettle that he had collected for the poor. His killer remains at large.

Second, in December, the Sumpter branch of the SC SA was sent a donation, purportedly from a legitimate local company wanting to share its fuitful year, for $25,000. The branch used that money to further its December operations. Unfortunately, the check was part of a scam that was perpetrated on several charities in the area, and as a result the SA's SC operations are now in jeopardy for the winter season, due to the now-massive hole in their budget. This means that because of one sick individual, many may go cold or hungry that would not have otherwise.

The widget on the side should track the amount given from this site, and for this first month, I will match total donations up to $150. The link takes you to the Salvation Army's national headquarters donation site, and from there you are able to specify where you would like your donation to be sent / what programs you want to support.

Hopefully this first month will go well! Anything is better than nothing, right?

Taa-Daa!!!!

2010-01-06T08:29:00.001-05:00

New year, new blog! :)

Happy Brrrrr Year!

2010-01-05T11:50:00.005-05:00

Let me first say that I don't mind the cold, and I actually prefer it to being hot. BUT, it's really cold!!!! The temperature isn't bad, but the wind is obnoxious!!!! We had 50mph winds several days straight last week, and even though that's died down, it's still blowing pretty hard out there. Our poor house is OLD, and drafty, so when it's windy like this, it's really hard to stay warm! Hello gas bill, goodbye bank account!

Everyone seems to be talking about their resolution soloutions, so I'll add me two cents' worth.

Last year:

1. Focus on our marriage.
It's not that we've had a bad marriage - far from it - but the past few years have been so much about the kids and the moves and whatnot that I feel like we had lost our way in paying real attention to each other, or at least I had. That's been going pretty well, I think; I definitely feel more connected and happier.

2. Walk the dog every day, weather permitting.
This one fell by the wayside somewhat, but there was good reason. When I wrote that, Baci didn't get enough exercise because his brother, Tyler, was too old to play and wrestle with him. After poor Tyler was put down, we got Delilah the Tasmanian Devil, and that problem went away. If anything, she wants to play even more than he does! So, the walking thing wasn't really important anymore. I still take them on walks together, just not every day, or even often at this time of year.

3. Focus on charity.
Done, and done. Aside from the recent project, I got involved in a lot of things through church, and did a lot with Heifer International. By the end of the year, we had donated what amounted to a small farm - bees, rabbits, chicks, ducks, geese, a sheep, and a goat, in varying numbers. I'm really proud of that, and hope to do even better this year.

My list is sometimes ongoing for the first weeks of January, but so far, I have:

1. Continue to give
By this I mean not only giving money to charity, but giving of myself. Sometimes the best thing is a warm body and an available ear. The Elf project, and starting the recycling program at chuch (which has recently expanded to include another building where the teenagers hang out) have really made me feel what I can only describe as joy inside.

2. Be more Ohm!
I'm stealing an idea here from MO Mommy. Last year, she picked a Focus Word for the year; hers had to do with quiet. I think this is a great idea, because it allows a person to aim for a state of being rather than at a Thing. Mine, I think, is going to be Serenity. I want to relax, take things as they come, and not get stressed out over things I can't control, which would be everything but me, anyway.

3. Fiscal responsibility.
We're working so hard to get out of debt. This year I want us to get there. I don't know if it will happen, with my not working very much (more on that another time) and school stuff, but I'm going to try really hard. It will depend on tax time this year; we may take a big hit in taxes this year because of a few various things, so if we end up with a big bill, there's no way we'll reach that goal in a year. Otherwise, it might just be doable. Cross your fingers for us! I'm trying not to think about tax time, a la #2, until it's here.

Like I said, I'll probably keep adding to the list for another few days, but I think this is a good start, and will probably be my core list. I'll put the final list up in my sidebar (when I redesign the page, which should be soon) when it's done.

Game Time

2010-01-02T11:12:00.015-05:00

Our game cabinet, board games and playdoh on top, card games in the drawer.

We are a Gaming Family. Usually at least once a day someone will start asking who wants to play somethingorother, especially during vacations, when we'll sometimes play two or three board games a day. I love them because they're an easy way for us all to have fun together in an organized way. There's a beginning, middle and end, every person has something to do, there are turns, and generally there's no fighting because there's nothing to fight about.

Here's the lowdown on the games we got for Xmas, and the ones that we've had for awhile but still play all the time. I go out of my way to get new, interesting, educational, or even foreign games so we have a lot to choose from. Some I get from Amazon, and others from my favorite toy store, a little place called Child's Play, in Rockville, MD.

New Games for this year:

- The Munchkin series
We actually started playing the Munchkin card came about a month ago, but we added to it over Xmas, so I think it counts. Munchkin, a gaming-type card game with rules for boosting powers, attacks, race and class cards, etc, is hysterical because each set, which is completely compatible with all other sets, is a spoof of a set theme. For instance, Star Munchkin has cards in it that crack on any space reference you can think of; my favorite card is one of the monsters, "Level 12, Captain Quirk - bonus level to any female involved in taking him out'. We have the base card set, plus Pirate Booty, Star Munchkin and smaller booster packs. A few of the cards (mostly in the base set) have suggestive images and/or wording (ie Unbutton Top Button - distracts opponents, +2 in battle), and you could simply take them out, but the beauty is, most of the references go over kids' heads, but they're entertained by the cartoonish art anyway. Our kids LOVE this game, and have asked to play it almost every day since we got it a month ago. Takes about half an hour.

Also, I bought DH the Munchkin Quest board game, which may end up being an adult thing simply because it's pretty involved. Basically, you're exploring a dungeon, and add a room (cardboard link to the game board) each time you move. There are a lot more rules, though, and many steps per turn, so many kids may not have the patience. Once we get the whole thing down ourselves, though, we may be able to include them by skipping some steps and streamlining it somewhat.

-- Ten Days in Europe
This is one I picked up at the toy store I mentioned. The game board is a map of Europe (games for any continent are available, I just picked Europe because it has the most countries), and each player gets card holders with places for ten cards. You then have to make your way on a ten day trip around Europe in a way that makes sense. You can walk, fly or boat, depending on proximity (you can only walk to a neighboring country, and only boat to countries on the same body of water in a single voyage, and only between countries that have been assigned a similar color). You can't boat or fly for more than one day in a row (ie, days 2,4,6,8, but not 2&3), and you can't start or end your trip en route. It's fun, and a good way to learn geography. Also, each country card has population and capital information included. Josie really likes this, Patrick not as much.

-- Settlers of Catan, Cities and Knights extension
Last year, I got SoC on one of Amazon's Deals of the Day sales for less than half price, which was great because I'd been wanting to try it, but was unwilling to spend a lot of money on a game I had never played (they're about $40 regularly). We liked it, but it seemed to need a little more. This year, I got the Cities and Knights extension, which adds, obviously, a whole new dimension. Now, in addition to building settlements and collecting resources and evading the robber, we have tons of new buildings and incentives. To play SoC, you put together the board, which consists of a bunch of pentagonical shapes with numbers and pictures of resources on them. Each time, you can assemble it differently, so the game always changes. Players roll the dice, and whoever is next to the pentagons with that number on it gets to take resource cards, which can then be traded for roads, houses, etc. With knights and cities, you can upgrade from houses to cities, get knights to protect you from pirates and robbers, and steal things from each other. The game starts a little slow, but as you get a few turns in, and collect a few resources, your ability to collect even more increases, and it goes pretty fast after that. Our kids didn't like this one much last year, but that may be because we weren't proficient enough to teach them quickly, so we'll probably try it again with them. There are a lot of rules, and the rule book can be intimidating, but really it's a lot simpler than they make it sound.

-- Shut the Box
This is a Melissa & Doug game, and looks beautiful, but we haven't opened it yet. I'm hoping to play it this afternoon, actually. I have no idea what it's about yet, because it doesn't say anything on the box. M&D stuff is usually really good, though.

Other favorite games:

- The Scambled States of America - even little kids can play this geography game, but having someone play with them who can read helps. Ours have been playing since they were 3 or so. Very funny, and seven years later, we're still playing it. Takes about 20 minutes.

- The Enchanted Forest - a memory game mixed with a board game. Again, we've played this one consistently for about six years. Both kids like it; it's easy and straightforward. Takes 15-20 minutes.

-- Wizardology - based on the popular book. Not for very young children, simply because it's a little complex until you're used to it, and you have to have a good grasp of language. Takes 30-60 minutes.

-- Zooreka - you run a zoo, and collect resources based on dice and cards you draw monopoly-style when you land on certain spaces. Trade resources in for animals; get four animals and you win! Lots of animals to choose from, quick pace. Young kids can play pretty well, especially with an adult partner. Takes about 20-30 minutes.

-- and of course, Uno!

What do your kids love and ask for all the time?

Blowing off the Dust, and A Few of My Favorite Things

2009-12-30T14:43:00.003-05:00

Hey! I haven't been here in forever! And it's realy dusty... just like my house. Man, it's incredible how much faster my house gets messy at this time of year. All the extra stuff is like a dirt magnet, I swear.

The kids have actually been off for well over a week now, because the snow made such a mess around here (ie, the state can't handle it) that side roads were pretty much screwed until most of it melted. The big problem is, here in MD, everything is run by county, so if even one town in the county is impassable, the entire county is shut down. Since there are many, many towns in a county, and since our town is surrounded by rural places, every time anything happens at all, the whole place is closed, even when our own area is fine. Thus, the mall in town was PACKED all three days when the schools were closed due to 'treacherous conditions', so much so that it took some friends of mine over twenty minutes to circumnavigate the parking lot (once you're in, you pretty much can't get out).

Our Xmas has been great. The doorbell didn't ring for many days, and neither did the phone, which was wonderful. Usually, there are kids all over the place around here, and the bell rings several times a day, setting off the dogs, interrupting me constantly, and making family time nearly impossible. Also, with my classes over, and the kids at home, and all the extra activities over for the break, we've actually had time to play games and hang out, just the four of us.

The Elf Project I ran ended on the 18th, and in the end, we helped thirty-one kids from fourteen families. It was awesome. Most of the families were really nice. I hadn't been sure what to expect on pick-up night, whether people would be friendly, or shy, or what. Almost everyone was really friendly, and only one person was downright nasty, which I think is a pretty bug success. I got to meet the boy whose presents I bought, which was a treat since he's 13 and I didn't think I'd ever see him. He doesn't know it was me, of course, but just from meeting him I know he'll like what he got. Seeing the families made me sad, but also happy that they were there. I feel like I learned a lot, and got at least as much out of it emotionally as I put into it.

Patrick has a 'testing' date for the magnet program we've applied to; we're going at 10am on the 9th, so less than two weeks away. I'm nervous, but also excited for him. I can't go in with him, and he's never taken a test like that before, so I'm wondering what it will be like, and how he will take it. I haven't talked much about it to him, because I don't want him to psyche himself out over the idea of a test, especially since I have no idea what it will be like. His current teacher refused the idea of my sending in anything extra to take up his time, and the 'enrichment' teacher refuses to work with him, so we're back to square one. I'm really frustrated. She noted on his mid-term progress report that she's providing challenging work herself, which seems to me to be crap, since he's bringing home the same work he always has.

I can't help but wonder, a little, if some of this isn't a bit of backlash for what happened with Josie's teacher last year, and the letter I wrote that eventually was used to get her removed from her position a year ago and fired at the end of the school year. It wouldn't surprise me if everyone knew what I'd done, and while I don't regret it, I guess I didn't think about future repercussions other than having to run into Her in the hallways, etc. I suppose anyone who liked her (I can't imagine) would think I'm a pretty big dillhole.

Anyway, interestingly enough, since telling Patrick that we no longer care about his 'color', he has gotten ALL GREENS (the best behavior). ?!?!?! WTF?! Here's a funny thing - his teacher asked what we'd been doing differently, and I had to tell her that it was nothing other than telling him that we didn't care anymore. HA! So, I don't know if this was one big attention ploy on his part, or what. I'm going to cancel the appointment with the doctor for his ADD eval, because it's in only a few days, because I want to see what happens in the weeks after break. More and more, I think it's Nothing To Worry About. No one other than his teacher thinks there's a problem, not his karate instructor, his friends' parents, or our relatives, including my SIL whose child actually *is* ADD. So, we'll wait and see.

Tomorrow, I'll write about the cool games we've updated our cabinet with. We're big on games in our house, and we got a lot of fun ones this year! I can't wait to catch up on all your things; I've missed everyone, but also haven't felt like parking on the computer. After being chained to it all semester, it was nice to just look at email as I walked by and be done at that. I knew you'd all be right there when I came back. :)

Awesomest Web Site EVER

2009-12-12T12:38:00.004-05:00

For those of you who love a) PostSecret, b)Pets, or c) both, go here:

http://betterwords.typepad.com/petpostcardproject

I found out about it when I came across the site's book the other day in a store. I heart it.

More soon, I promise. Finals are this week. I still have an A in both classes, and it's going to stay that way, dammit. I hope to be done Tuesday, but we'll see.

Not-so-Mellow Yellow

2009-12-07T08:42:00.002-05:00

I am reaching the point of being pretty stressed out about Patrick.

In his parent-teacher conference last month, Mrs. W hinted that she thinks he may have a hyperactivity problem. She of course wouldn't say anything outright, because they're not really allowed to, but she said that she was letting him use handheld fiddle toys to help him sit still and give him something to do, because that's what her mother did with her brother, who had ADD. When I asked her if she thought he had a problem, she backpedaled so fast it's a wonder she didn't fall over her own feet, and said if that was something WE were concerned about, we could talk to a doctor about it.

Uh, when you plant a seed like that in someone's head, who wouldn't be concerned, whether I believed it or not? Either he has an issue, and needs help, or he doesn't, but she's treating him like he does.

Not to mention, he's been getting Yellows almost every day, all year long. (For those of you w/o school-age kids, this is a behavior thing; kids start the day on 'green', and get moved down a scale to other colors based on the teacher's perception of their behavior. Yellow is the first color down after green.) In this particular class, there's no physical chart, so the children aren't moving a clip or marker of any kind, and therefore have no idea when they have moved from one color to the next. This nice in that there's no public humiliation, but a pain because the kids don't know exactly what they did sometimes to get whatever color they get.

For months now, we've been trying to encourage the green behavior, while stressing out over whether he's just not capable of it, and if not, maybe there IS a problem, etc. Then, the other day, I caught him lying about having already done his homework, and the root of the problem smacked me in the face: he started crying and saying he didn't want to do it because it was too easy and boring. (This is true; his class is doing simple addition when he could multiply many of those numbers.) After talking with him a little further, I realized that the times he's getting in trouble are when he's waiting for other people to finish their work, and he's sitting there bored in his seat looking for something to do.

Suddenly, I felt like I had broken through the ice and could breathe again. There's no problem with my boy. There's a problem with the school. They're not challenging him, and he's bored, which makes him fidgety, which in turn is making the teacher treat him like he's got some medical issue. I know he does a lot of weird things, and boredom probably isn't the only reason he gets in trouble, but I'll bet it's a big part of it.

Enter The Guilt. I was taking the side of the school's behavior system over my boy, and believing things they were not-quite-saying rather than looking for an answer myself. He's not having problems with his schoolwork, he has lots of friends, and he functions well in almost every environment but those where he has to sit still and simply wait quietly. I should have known. I'm his mother, why did I come so close to accepting someone else's definition of my son?

Last night, I did two things: one, I filled out an application for Patrick to get into a magnet program for science and math next year at a local school. It's a drive, but he would get to do schoolwork 1-2 years above his grade level, and yet still be with his own peers. He was so excited when I told him about it he started jumping up and down. The other was that I emailed his teacher, explained what I thought was going on and how it's the same as last year before his K teacher started sending him to 2nd grade for reading, and asking if he could either have more challenging work, or if I could send in a workbook or something for him to use when he has down time, even if it wasn't something he handed in to her. I haven't heard back yet, but I'm almost scared to. I tried talking to her at the beginning of the year about it, and got shut down, so we'll see. Fingers crossed, people.

Mad Scientist Hearbreaker

2009-12-04T16:34:00.004-05:00

It has come to my attention that Patrick has been conducting Experiments in the bathroom. (Wait, it's not what you think.)

I have been finding random cups of water in the shower for awhile now, and have been dumping them out, grousing about why on EARTH there are glasses of cold, dirty water in the shower all the time. The other day, though, DH and I were talking, and he told me that these are actually Patrick's experiments! He's been finding out thing like, 'if I cover a cup with a facecloth, will the water still evaporate?' and 'what will toothpaste do in water after a few days?'. That just CRACKS me UP. I knew he had put Mythbusters kits on his Xmas list, but bathroom experiments are just in a whole other league of pocket-protector-hood. That's my boy. :)

Last night, Mr. Wizard came to say goodnight to me while I was sitting on the couch watching TV with Josie. He leaned over and hugged me, and I whispered to him, 'who loves my pickle boy?' He whispered, 'you do, and daddy does... but she doesn't.' Meaning Josie. Who has been unpleasant to him for a long, long time. Who I have been warning and talking to about this whole idea. Her jaw hit the floor. She said, 'I do, too'! He looked at her, and then back at me, and whispered, 'yeah, but I don't believe her'. My heart just broke. He was so matter-of-fact, like please pass the butter, Josie doesn't love me, can I play Wii later? She was floored. I asked why he said that, and he replied that it was because she never wants to be with him, always says no when he asks her to play with him, will only do something with him if I'm there too, and leaves when I do, and isn't nice to him when they're with friends (like A, who lives down the street, and went to prek w/ him for a year, but is now more friends with Josie instead).

I maintained a neutral face while he said all of this, and after he left, I looked at Josie and said, 'well, how did that feel?' She was still floored, and said, 'um.... not too good.' So I told her that whatever she was feeling in her stomach and heart right at that moment was what she's brought on herself, and is exactly what she deserves. I also told her that I can't help her, and that she's going to have to find her way out of this one herself.

Today, I saw her catch herself on the walk home; after telling him 'oh, nevermind' on the way home when he asked her to repeat himself, she stopped short and explained exactly what she had said. Later, when I asked if she'd like to be the one to give Patrick his iPod for Xmas, she said yes.

Maybe, finally, something will sink in. At least for awhile. Because hearing my resident mad scientist describe why and how his sister shows that she doesn't love him breaks my heart.

Stop the Ride, I Want To Get Off

2009-12-03T23:10:00.002-05:00

A few days ago, my MIL called me while I was driving around town running six errands in my small two-hour window and asked if we were free on the 20th, which is the Sunday before Xmas. I said I thought we were, thinking she was scheduling the larger-family Xmas gathering, when she said, 'oh, I'm not going to tell you'. Suddenly, I was paying a LOT more attention, but it was too late. I had just Agreed To Something, and worse, I had no idea what, because she wouldn't say.

It turns out, she's planned a whole Girl's Day Out for my two SIL's, Josie, my oldest niece C, and herself. And, it's a Surprise.

Oh, no.

The good news is, it's apparently somewhere near us, which means one less time I have to drive all over creation.

The bad news is:
1. yet another day that I'm scheduled; I am now officially down to TWO days that I have no plans, classes or appointments until Xmas.
2. yet another day that our family will be going in all different directions. With karate, piano, school, my classes, me working, and the Xmas pageant which rehearses 3x weekly now, we are almost never all at home for any amount of time. I HATE that.
3. an entire outing with my SIL K. The one who sent me that awful hate mail this summer. The one who, along with her husband, makes me so nervous now that I feel half-ill even thinking about being trapped in a car and on some excursion with.
4. I feel seriously duped, although had I been paying more attention to what she was saying I might have caught that it wasn't a family thing, just a girl thing. I know she wasn't trying to fool me, and it was my own leap, but I'm still annoyed in general at thinking something is one thing, and it's another.
5. I HATE surprises. We have NOTHING in common. For all I know, we're going quilting, which she and K are really into. Even if it is something I would like on an ordinary day, see #1, 2 and 3. The last girl's outing we went on was to a tea house, because that's what she wanted as a gift. Yeah. A TEA HOUSE. Egad.

I love my MIL. She's a lovely person, and even though we have nothing in common, she's always been very kind to me. I will do whatever it is and smile because I have to. DH keeps telling me that I should email or call her and say that really, we're swamped, and are in desparate need of having time to do something with our own little family, but it's too late for that. She sent an itenerary of when she's going to be picking people up, which means that there's a schedule for a reason, and probably money has been spent. Besides, it would hurt her if I backed out. So, that's that. I tried to explain to my SIL J, who I love to pieces, why I wasn't thrilled, but she just said to relax. I don't think she can understand the severity of my stress level at being around her sister. I think it has something to do with how I lived until I was about 20 - never knowing when someone was going to snap and start screaming and/or throwing things at me. I was terrified so much of the time. That most recent hateful, massive email outburst from K and my BIL finished it off; I think they trigger the same panic-run response in me that my first family did. I will never, ever relax around them again.

Relax = my couch and my family and a movie or a game AT HOME, FOR ONCE.

Alas.

Happiness is...

2009-11-25T17:21:00.003-05:00

... getting the new Super Mario Wii for $5.62 because the cashier screwed up the 'turn in two games and get it for 9.99' offer, and decided that he didn't care and gave it to me anyway!

... having five whole days off with the kids with no rushing around, no lessons, no rehearsals, NOTHING!

... having a family move to the neighborhood with their three kids, two girls who are already friends with Josie and a boy who is already friends with Patrick! The girls are the first of Josie's age in the neighborhood, which is chock-full o' boys but no girls - until now! The three girls ran around together all afternoon, and it was a joy to see!!!

... having twelve children sponsored out of twenty (so far) for the Elf Project!! Most parents only got the sponsor letters sent home yesterday! There are many generous people out there, including you all, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for offering to help. Hopefully, I won't have to take you up on it, but I love knowing that you all are out there!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Wishin' and Hopin'

2009-11-23T18:02:00.002-05:00

(I love that song!)

The letters looking for sponsors went home with all the kids at the school today. I'm up to seventeen kids, plus one teacher has identified another family that she wants to sign up to receive help.

I am so nervous. What if the whole thing falls flat on its face? What if no one calls, or only a couple of people do? I will be so humiliated if that happens, not only because I offered help to people and then couldn't get any, but also because that would make me part of a community of people I wouldn't be very proud of.

I'm also so excited! What if it goes so well that every child on the list gets a sponsor, and I have a few sponsors to spare? I will be so thrilled and overjoyed that I could do this, and so proud to be part of our school community.

Come on, phone. Start ringing.

I Partied, I Drank, I Came Home (*not necessarily in that order)

2009-11-22T20:10:00.002-05:00

Let me start out by telling you that I downed a Mike's Crantini (hard cranberry lemonade martini yumminess) before we went. I do think it helped.

I got through the party. There *were* a lot of people there, and I *was* uncomfortable, but then, I think a lot of people were, because there were people from several sides of the family there, plus some friends of theirs who looked totally lost and who were introduced to no one. We stayed until around 5:30 (it began at 3:00), which was just after the cupcakes were had.

Kathy was nice to me, Shawn didn't speak to me, and I made no effort to speak to him, either. It ended up not being a big deal, since he spent most of the time outside working on their new addition. Because, that's what you're supposed to do when you invite a large number of people over for your kids' birthday - ignore them in favor of construction work. Right?

Here's something - they didn't open the gifts people had brought. Maybe they did it after we left, in all fairness, since there were still a lot of people there when we got in the car, although several were also making sounds about needing to get home. But... whatever. We got them two adorable sets of footie jammies and two flip-books apiece, so it wasn't like we'd brought the Taj Mahal or anything, anyway.

One thing we did notice was that it was a LOT cleaner in there. As in, I could actually smell a cleaning product in the bathroom for the first time EVER. So, again, progress.

I will see them all in a few days again, and this time will probably not be able to avoid Shawn, since he won't be at his house, so he can't go and do random construction jobs. However, there is usually wine at Thanksgiving, so I can get half-sauced and maybe it won't matter. In fact, I'll bring my own bottle of wine, just to be sure. :)

Phew... THAT's Over!

2009-11-21T20:02:00.003-05:00

I had my interview with the grad admission staff this week. It went AWESOME! I was so nervous, especially because one of my interviewers was the advisor who has been screwing me around all this time, but she didn't say anything about it (although she knew who I was), and neither did I. They seemed to have only a tiny knowledge of my portfolio, because they were only briefly looking through it when I went in, which was frustrating, but it turned out that it *was* helpful that I had put it together, because all the questions they asked me correlated directly to what was in there.

The best part was, as it turned out, everything I have ever done in my life has led me to this. Every job I have had has either involved my learning something new, my teaching other people something new, or my working with people in education. The fact that I do a lot of volunteer work helped a lot, too. Anyway, they were laughing by the end as they tried to write everything down, and told me that they were exactly what the program was looking for, and I shouldn't have any problem getting accepted (it's a competitive program, with only so many slots). I'm not going to count my chickens quite yet, but it certainly was encouraging!

Yesterday, I picked up the forms that the 'needy' families filled out for the Elf Project at the school. There were six forms, with ten children, and I knew of another family that was for some reason not included in the office's list, so I called them up (I know the mom well) and asked if she'd like a form. Of course, she said yes - they have four kids and are basically living on food stamps and local Food Pantry items. So, we will have seven families and fourteen children, if no other forms trickle in next week. I hadn't thought about it, but of course the families included younger and older siblings on the forms, kids who aren't in the school. I don't know how supporting families will feel about that, but I'm going to change the letter that will be going out on Monday to mention casually that they have the chance to support their children's 'classmates and siblings' rather than just the classmates, and leave it at that. With fourteen kids total, it shouldn't be too hard to find enough people to help out, but I will make sure that the school kids are taken care of first, and any siblings afterwards.

Tomorrow is the first birthday party for my twin nieces. I've pretty much decided that I'm going to go. DH and the kids were always going, but I wasn't sure if I could stomach my SIL and her husband for yet more family time this week, since I'll be seeing them all at Thanksgiving, too. My original, official excuse was going to be that I had a trig exam tomorrow, but that's been moved to after the holiday. The rest of the family won't know that, so I could still use that excuse, but I would feel like a really bad person. As disconnected from those kids as I feel, I should be spending all the time with them I can to try and establish some kind of relationship before they're old enough to sense that on of their aunts really isn't that interested. That's not a person I want to be. So, hate it or no, their Auntie will probably be there tomorrow, even if it *IS* with irish-cream-spiked-coffee in a travel mug.

You Got It!

2009-11-15T18:19:00.002-05:00

I *was* thinking of Nemo in my last post, but CK pointed out to me that it's also in Jaws, and now I'm not sure which is more appropriate!

I just got my last recommendation via email; I finished the rest of the porfolio this afternoon, so once I do a page for this one, I'll be completely done! I'm probably going to do it tonight so I can drop it off in the morning. Thank heavens, because this has been a HUGE load on my mind. Now all I have to do is get through the interview on Wed, and it will all be out of my hands. I think it's funny how interesting and wonderful a person can look on paper. I'm nothing really out of the ordinary, but on paper I look pretty good! :)

The last rec that came today, though, makes me a little squeeged inside. It was from a friend of mine, who is also the mother of Josie's best friend. I work with her at the school, to, and have subbed*for* her with one of my favorite kids, an autistic boy named A. Anyway, it's taken her forever to get me this letter, in which I was hoping that she would mention how I've worked for her, and been with A, since I talk about how I have really liked working with the special ed kids - it was why I asked her to write one for me in the first place. She didn't mention any of that, but that's OK.

What makes me feel all twisted up inside is that I ended up posting quiet hints to her twice on FB to get her to give it to me, like 'hooray, I'm all done except for one page, time to get back to worrying about trig!', that kind of thing. About an hour after I posted that (the second quiet prod in about a week), her letter came over email, and now I feel like I had to 1)drag it out of her, and 2) she didn't really want to do it in the first place, but just felt like she had to do it since we're kind of intertwined in all these areas. So, I feel hugely embarrassed and twisted up inside that I asked her to do it, that I ended up pestering her a little, and that it was kind of obvious that she wasn't sure what to say. I hate asking for help; it makes me feel like I'm making a bother of myself, and when I get the feeling that I'm dragging that help out of someone, it makes it 100x worse. Crap. I really like her, and I feel like I've made an ass of myself.

BUT, at least it's almost done. Math is kicking my ass at the moment, and I'm really scared that I'm going to blow the chapter exam next week. I have a quiz this week, but they're only worth ten points apiece in the grand scheme of the class, so it I mess it up, it's not a huge deal; if I can't get a hang of the whole thing in time for the exam, though, I'm going to be in trouble. Each problem has so many parts, and so many sign changes and square roots, that there are about ten ways to mess up on each section of the problem. Ugh. Only one more month, and I can't wait. No more math, EVER AGAIN, in just 32 days and counting.

Just Keep Swimming....

2009-11-14T16:51:00.002-05:00

That line (which, five points if you get the movie, which should be easy for all you parents out there) runs through my head almost constantly lately.

I have to have my portfolio turned in by Tuesday at the latest for review by the Pope, or someone, at the admissions office of the grad school I'm applying to. It's almost done, aside from two reference letters I should be getting this weekend and a couple of divider pages I need to make. I'm a little pissed, though, that the scrapbook I bought, which is navy silk-covered, has a scrape on the front that I didn't see because the "protective" cover apparently only procected the mark from my view rather than the book from the mark. Crap.

School is flying along. Thankfully, I have only one more test in bio before the final, which she said will be take-home like the midterm. I have a 98 average in the class. This means that I could literally fail this next test and still get an A in the class. Guess who's not going to bother studying too hard??

I think the grad school has FINALLY decided that I don't need to take any additional writing or math classes. It has been over TWO MONTHS since I started fighting that particular battle, people. I don't know what their problem is, but I hope this isn't going to be a reflection of the entire school experience with them.

The community college registration procrss for spring was a nightmare. It started at 6:30am last Saturday, and guess what? I was locked out of the online system. The tech dept was closed until 9am. The school was closed up tight. There were no advisors on duty for the whole weekend. Once I finally got into the online registration, guess what else? Remember that awful advisor I saw in August, the one who called the prof an asshole, etc? Yeah, she never entered my pre-requisite info into the system. I had to go in on Monday, only to be told that they were missing my grad transcript from UMD, and couldn't register me without it, even though it had no bearing on my pre-reqs, even though I'm already IN classes that REQUIRE the pre-reqs that the science and psych classes I need are looking for. I basically started to lose my shit, which finally the attention of a manager, who came over and fixed the whole thing in about thirty seconds. Forest for the trees, much? Sheesh.

I'm hoping to start catching up on everyone's blogs soon. I miss you guys!

An Exciting Development!!!

2009-11-11T20:13:00.002-05:00

Guess what? I've talked to the school secretary and nurse several times over the past few weeks about starting a program that pairs up able families with needy families at our school for holiday and seasonal items. I've participated in this kind of thing at other schools, and it's been wonderful. They really weren't interested, and used the excuse that it couldn't be done due to privacy concerns.

SO, since I'm also the PTA VP, I took it to the PTA meeting on Monday night, broached my idea and how it would be run, and what do you know? The principal was there, and thought it sounded good, and everyone was totally on board!

So I'm going to run it myself! HA!

I wrote up two letters, one for Participant families (ie families in need) and Supporters (donating families), detailing the project. I made up a spreadsheet for the participant families to fill out with their kids' names, clothing needs and sizes, what books and authors they like, and toys they would enjoy having. I stressed to the supporting families that they would be able to anonymously help children that sit beside their own kids at lunch, and that at school events, they would actually be in the building with families whose lives they have personally improved.

The school secretary (who is a very nice person, just not into starting things, I think) is going to distribute my participant invitation letter to the children whose names appear on the Thanksgiving basket list (PTA gives food baskets to needy families each year), and the ones who are interested will return it by next Friday. The following Monday, a Supporter letter will go home with every child at the school, telling anyone who is interested in supporting a family to call me and I'll match them up with families, whose names will be removed and replaced with numbers (ie, Smith family with Jenny,8, and Jacob,5, will be replaced with Family 104-8G and Family 104-5B). They will then shop, and in Dec there will be an evening where I will accept donations from 5:30-7, and hand them back out 7:30-8:30. I will be the only one who will have the list of participants' names, and only myself and one or two other people will be at the school accepting and handing out.

I am SO EXCITED. This is going to be GREAT!

Two Firsts (And Almost My Fists)

2009-11-02T12:12:00.002-05:00

First #1 - Josie has strep. If she's anything like me, this will be the first of many, many of these lovely infections.

Also for the first time ever, I had to raise a stink at the doctor's office.

We saw someone new, which was fine, and after looking at C's throat, Dr. said she'd be shocked if the test came back negative - but they had to send it to a lab because BCBS won't pay for in-house strep tests. (Why am I paying for this crap insurance again?)

Dr. said it would be back in the afternoon. Whatever. Then the Nurse came in, and asked where I'd be TOMORROW, and looked at me like an idiot when I told her that the doctor had said the same day, because duh, it takes 24 hours. So, I asked how much it would be to just pay for it to be done there, and it was only $20, so I said to go ahead and do it. (Seriously? It's cheaper for BCBS to pay for it to get sent to a lab, tested by someone else, and sent back? I doubt it.)

Nurse came back in a few minutes later with the swab and informed me that SHE doesn't test HER daughter until she's been complaining a week, because she doesn't get a really red throat and she wants the poor kid to try and fight it off herself, anyway - her tone implied that I was being ridiculous for insisting that my kid, who has been sick since Saturday, be treated.

Then, she got out two of the big swabs, and Josie's eyes got huge. She asked if Nurse was going to put them down her throat, and the Nurse said no, and the next thing we knew she had literally stabbed Josie in the throat with them!!!!!! Poor Josie almost threw up and burst into tears - and you know's my three-inch-scar-on-her-leg girl is tough. I was SO PISSED!

Nurse walked out like nothing had happened at all right after she did it, so I didn't have time to ream her out then, but once Josie had stopped sobbing, I went out into the hallway where she was scornfully telling the billing staff that 'the lady wanted to pay for the test, so you'll have to bill her for it', again, like I was an idiot. Once she had turned around (surprised to see me, I think), I told her that in the future maybe she could be more gentle, because she had made my daughter cry. She said, 'oh, sorry, but I have to do it fast' and walked right on past me. She never apologized to Josie, nothing!

When the doctor came back to tell us it was positive (duh), I explained what had happened, and asked if there was a way to have it noted on the chart that we didn't want that particular nurse ever again. Thankfully, *she* at least seemed upset and apologized several times, and said that she didn't know anything about making a note on a chart, but to talk to the office staff about it. She also told me that the Nurse was usually very good, etc, and I said that perhaps she was having an off day, but I still don't trust her near my children again.

I ended up not really bringing it up to the front office staff, who obviously already knew what had happened and are never exactly sweet, anyway, but this time were positively frosty. Whatever. When I see the kids' regular doctor again I'll mention it to *her*, and I'm sure she'll put it in the chart for me.

I know they have to be fast, but seriously, there was no need for that crap. Josie was obviously already in pain, and Nurse knew she had no idea what was coming. It's not like she's three, and would have cried regardless - for a 10yo to cry, it takes a lot more than a casual poke. >:< If I didn't like her regular doctor so much, I would never go there again.

Stressing Out

2009-11-01T16:54:00.004-05:00

As part of my application to grad school, I have to make a portfolio. This has been described to me as like making a scrapbook of things that pertain to my getting an education degree. It is entirely freaking me out.

1. I am not a teacher. I have never created lesson plans, attended teacher retreats, or gotten any certificates from seminars / study programs that would have any bearing *at all*. I have looked online all over the place for ideas, and can only find portfolios made by students who are graduating their programs - hence, they actually have things to put in one. This is why I'm GOING to school for my degree - so I can get some stuff to put into an educational portfolio!

2. I am NOT a scrapbooker. I hate that stuff. I went to AC Moore today to get a scrapbook, and nearly hyperventilated at the dizzying array of choices. The very idea of making a scrapbook about anything work-related seems so unprofessional and ridiculous to me that I can barely get my mind around it. It's not like I'm applying for an art degree. Am I really supposed to use those little sticky-flair things in something that's supposed to be professional?!

3. I am now thirty-six years old. Scrapbooking to prove my worthiness as a student sounds like I'm in kindergarten. I want to be a respectable, creative adult, not an old lady at a craft fair.

4. They gave me a list of things to include, like a resume and ideas for educational practices and whatnot, but what the hell do I know??? That's WHY I'm going to school! What if, in my ignorance, I write something completely moronic for a philosphy?? I don't even know how to craft such a thing, since I HAVEN'T LEARNED IT YET.

5. I love substituting (generally speaking). I love seeing the kids every day, I love that so many of them are;" happy to see me, and I really want to have my own classroom. If I screw this mysterious project up, I will jeopardize my chances of getting into school, all because I have no idea what they're talking about. I could lose my chance to do what I am loving because I failed an art project that has no direction, and be doomed to be forever Just the Substitute.

People, I am practically in tears over this. I have to submit it in about two weeks, and because my mother is coming next weekend (more on that later), and school and whatnot, I really want to do it this week and get it over with (schools here are closed M-T, and I'll be out Fri to get my mother at the airport, so I'm just taking the whole week off, probably, to do schoolwork and this Thing).

These I Submit To You.....

2009-10-25T22:20:00.003-04:00

Thursday:
I had to take the cat to the vet for shots. Sasha doesn't like crates, but does well on a leash in the car (comparatively speaking), if you call perching on the center console and loudly crying in my ear 'well'. At the vet, she refused to sit on the table, but insisted on leaping onto a stool and pillowing herself all over it. She growled at the vet. Many times. (But, since she never scratches or bites, whatev.) On the way home,

Me: I'm going to run into Sheetz (a convenience store pronounced as, Grab Food Here Now And Get The Shee-eets later) for a drink. My throat hurts.

Her: MEEROW!! (translation: I'm going to pee in your car.)

Me: Be right back!

Her: MEEE-ROOOOW! (translation: Let me move to the back cloth seat.)

Me: I'm back!!!

Her: ..... (hiding under the passenger seat

Me: What's that smell? Hmmm..... (looking in back seat) WTF?!?!?!?! @#$%#$%!!!!!!!!!!!

Her: *glare* Mrrrrrrr. (I told you, dumbass.)

************************************************

Yesterday:

Me, working on take-home bio midterm after spending half the afternoon at the grocery store while DH and the kids were at the movies: Can you put the chicken in the oven?

DH: Sure. It's in this bag, right (holding up Perdue Chicken-In-A-Bag).

Me: Thanks!

*later*'

Me: Huh, that chicken sure smells strong already. You put it in a roasting pan, right?

DH: (insulted) Yeah, of course I did!

Chicken: PSSSSSSSTTTTTSZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Us: *running to kitchen and flinging open oven*

Me: You put the chicken on a COOKIE SHEET?!?!?!?!?!!!

Fire Alarm: Beep! Beep! Beep! Who let the man cook??? BEEP! BEEP!!! He who once tried to bake cookies on COOLING RACKS (BEEP!!!) because thought they were cooking racks?! (BEEP!) Dumbass!!!!! BEEP!!! (are you seeing a trend here? I am.)

Stove: Uh, I'm covered in molten chicken juice and plastic, here..... hello........

Me: Peeing with laughter, and taking photos.

*************
Today

Me, still working on bio exam: What's that smell?

DH: No answer.

Me (going into kitchen): What're you WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!

Stove: Um, I'm on fire here......

DH: Don't worry, the flames that are making the oven look like a fireplace are totally normal when you run the cleaning mode. Right?

Me: ?!?!?!?!!?!NO?!?!?!?!?!?!

Kids: Whoa! Cool!!!

Stove: Help me, I'm melting!!!!!!

**********
End Scene
**********

Christmas in October

2009-10-17T17:31:00.003-04:00

Today's task was to prepare a Christmas package for Mirriam, our sponsor child in Zimbabwe.

Last year, the orphanage sponsored by our church didn't get their gifts on time, so this year we're sending them even earlier. The package will go out on Monday, in hopes that it will reach them by 12/24.

There are many rules about what we can and cannot send, or say in our letters. We can't send anything of value, so I can't pack Mirriam a pretty bracelet or necklace, because the customs agents will take it. We can't send the children any money, because the officials will take it. Last year, the inflation rate there reached 231 million percent, meaning prices doubled every 24 hours, and the government stopped releasing year-on-year data at that time. Since then, some small stabilization has occurred, but the desperation and corruption is still so severe that officials will still stoop to stealing gifts, money and food from the children it is addressed to. If we mention anything remotely political in the letters we send, the entire package would be destroyed, and the orphanage could be put in danger.

That limits our abillity to send any real presents to the individual children we sponsor pretty severely. We can each only send an envelope so the package won't be too large. This time, I packed a musical card with letters from Josie and I, photos, slim headbands, stickers, nail decals, and a few other flat things. The school will also receive money to purchase things that the children would like, but are too large to ship.

I would like to be able to write to her more often, so she knows that we really do care about her, rather than just seeing her as some charity project. The things that I can't say to her in these letters, that we know how hard it is for them, that we want to help them have better lives, that we know how unfair and suffocating and frightening their government is, make me feel that my letters are silly bits of fluff. It doesn't seem enough to wish this child, who watched her mother die as they fled fighting in theri village, a merry holiday. It is hard to tell her about is and our lives without simultaneously, unintentionally flaunting our gross prosperity.

Sometimes I wonder what will happen when she is grown and too old for the orphanage. Will we still hear from her? Would she want to leave Zimbabwe? Our church does mission trips every year to the children's village, which is in a compound with other similar schools. I hope to be able to go when our children are older, and meet Mirriam. What would I do if she told me that she wanted to come here? Would that even be possible?

I don't have any unrealistic expectations of swooping in and being a savior to this girl and her sister. I know that if such a thing ever did happen, it would be a very difficult time of transition for everyone, and may be downright impossible. I do know, though, that when she is grown, if she wants to come to university here, there would be no way I could tell her, this girl whose photos and letters are on my refrigerator, that I would not do my best to help.

...and this is why none of my problems matter

2009-10-14T20:17:00.003-04:00

I just got home from the store with Josie. We were buying a sympathy card for one her her classmates. The girl's father died from complications of pneumonia and swine flu after two weeks in the hospital. She was in school today, and will be going on the big 5th grade field trip tomorrow to DC, and then to her father's wake tomorrow night. She's 10, and has three brothers and sisters.

They don't even make sympathy cards for children. All the words are big and flowery, and don't mean anything to a child, or make any sense coming from one. We picked the simplest, plainest one we could find, about her being in our thoughts and the love of friends surround her in her time of sorrow, or something like that. I'm not positive what it said exactly because I was trying so hard not to cry, and I couldn't read all the words.

I don't know this girl, and Josie's close to her, but I thought it was important that she do *something*. DH nixed the idea of taking her to the wake; since I grew up with my grandmother, I went to lots and lots of wakes and funeral services, so it seemed natural to me that we would go to show support for her classmate, but he thought it would be too much. So, we went to the hugely inappropriate card section to look for words, when really there are none.

I can only imagine how stricken and devastated those children feel, not to mention their mother, suddenly a widow with four grieving children. The idea of not being here to see my kids grow up, and imagining them trying to cope after losing DH or I, makes me want to grab them and burrow deep into the blankets of our bed, where we would be safe, and warm, and blissfully, perfectly together.

So tomorrow night, send out special thoughts and love for A and her family, at the wake. I know how horrible and surreal it was to see my nephew in a coffin. I can't begin to imagine children seeing their father in one.

Hello? Is This the Party To Whom I'm Speaking?

2009-10-14T08:29:00.004-04:00

I am totally pissed off. Last Friday I got a voicemail from V, the graduate advisor at the main campus of the college I'm applying to for the MAT program, saying that she needed to talk to me about my requirements. I've been calling her back ever since. Nothing.

Yesterday, I got a letter in the mail from her outlining my supposed requirements, both those that have been met and what I still need to do. It's totally messed up. It lists my science requirements as being met, even though I haven't finished biology or even registered for my third required science yet. It shows trig as completed, and then lists my 'methods of soc teaching' class with question marks next to it as a possible third math class that they would need to approve. What on earth would be math-y about teaching sociology??? That was my undergrad TA position for a race relations class!!! It then goes on to list that I need prove that I've met writing ability requirements, and that I have to take PRAXIS I, the teaching exam, even though my SAT score was 1250, which places me out of that requirement. Her rationale for that gem was that my undergrad GPA was 2.74, (I know, I know, horrible, but my last two years of school I got all A's and B's - once I got into seminars where it was more important to think and WRITE than regurgitate boring crap into tiny bubbles on tests) and they want you to take it if your GPA was between 2.5 - 2.74. Lucky me, .01 and it wouldn't have mattered.

First of all, I emailed the local grad advisor, K, over a month ago with the info from my previous grad program to show that I took GRADUATE LEVEL STATISTICS and can, in fact, write my way out of a paper bag because I've only written, oh, A MILLION research papers. I had my own freakin' column in the college newspaper!

Second, I guess I can take PRAXIS if they insist, but it's expensive, time consuming, and frankly a pain in my ass. I'd lose an entire day of work and/or studying because it's not offered anywhere nearby (the closest places are 90min away), and I'd have to find someone to take my kids after school in case I couldn't get back in time.

What I want to know is, why is it that only my previous undergrad work will count towards my GPA? My GPA from my previous grad work was 3.8, and as long as I continue in even remotely the same fashion I have been this semester, I should get above a 3.5 in these classes as well. Why doesn't that count? Are they *really* only interested in things I've done before the age of 23? And if so, why the hell do they care if I've taken these four classes I'll need before I can start with them???

I was BOILING mad by the time I'd finished reading that damn letter. I sent off an email to her, which took me an hour to write because I couldn't swear in it, with a forward of the one I'd sent the local advisor, and asked all the above questions, but a lot more politely. I mean, I've done a lot of things sice I was 23, and really, the grades that brought my GPA down were from when I was 18-19, when I wasn't even old enough to buy my own martinis! AAAAHHHHHHH!

Then, last night, I got to talking to some of the other students in my bio class who are also applying to FU (hahahaha, I just realized that those are the actual initials of the school!!!! HAHAHA! OK, really FSU, but still.) I was both relieved and dismayed that they are having similar problems with the satellite and main campus advising offices not communicating.

Like it's not hard enough getting all these classes we don't even like out of the way; having to battle with these incompetent boobs and submit the same information over and over again is totally uncalled for. If they're not going to be efficient or reliable at all, what's the point of having a local outpost? It was enough yesterday to make me think that maybe I should just substitute for a few years and really think this through more, before I just fall over from stress and exhaustion. If she writes back (IF she writes back) and says that I'll have to take another math and a writing course (which there was some nonsense on for form saying that you're not allowed to fill that requirement at a cc, WTF) on top of the trig, bio, meteorology and psych that I'm already taking, plus the PRAXIS, I don't know what I'll decide, because that's just plain ridiculous.

2009-10-12T17:29:00.002-04:00

The shopping went fine. As usual, once I was actually prepared, nothing at all happened. We went to Penny's, which has an excellent plus-kids section, picked out three pairs of jeans and four or five new shirts and got out in less than an hour. While we were in the dressing room, I casually mentioned that she looked really pretty in one of the shirts she picked out, and then asked her, 'you know that, though, right?', to which she smiled and said 'yes'. Then I said, 'because you were a little upset at the doctor's office last week, and I was wondering how you're doing with that?'

She - get this - looked at me like I was a complete headcase and said, 'Huh? No, I wasn't.' She meant it, too, I could tell. Hello, anticlimactic; you could practically hear the air squeaky-leaking out of my brain bubble. Of course, since I was prepared, nothing came of it, and my little mental speech I had ready to go went to waste. I'm sure when I least expect it, she's going to come home and demand plastic surgery.

Today was spent at home, paying bills, preparing white chicken chilli in the crockpot and apple muffins, and doing the ever-present trig. This afternoon, I went over to the kids' school to be with them during their walk-a-thon, one of the PTA fundraisers, where the kids do a few laps around the school (at a half-mile a loop) to raise money.

Before I went, I had to personally run some payments over to a couple of doctor's offices. I have tried everything to get these places to send me a receipt when I send checks in the mail, including a pre-addressed and stamped envelope with the check, with a little note on the bill to please send a receipt so we can submit it to our HCRA, which is really picky and demands one rather than using a cancelled check, or just the bill.

I have never once received one in the mail.

What are they doing with my envelopes and postage? Sending their own bills places? Or looking at it and saying, 'pfft! this lady's crazy if she thinks I'm going to do my JOB and all!' and throwing the whole thing out? Piss me off! It's not like it's only $5, either; I had a hospital copay and the remainder of what the insurance didn't cover for DH's last surgery to take care of. So, I drove around town for half a hour like the frickin Billpayer Bunny. Argh.

Now the kids are at karate with DH, and I'm supposed to be working on the take-home bio test, which is actually a redo of the debacle we took the week before last that most people failed (not me, but I got an 80, way lower than usual). She won't let us look at our original test, so we can't just write down the ones we got right and fix those that were wrong; we have to redo the whole thing. If I don't do it, I could keep the original score, but that seems like a waste of a sure A. Oh, AND we have another group presentation to do, this time with FOUR people to a group, on two kinds of cancer. Once again, this has nothing to do with the actual class, she just wants us to relate more to biology in real world. Hello, I have had kids, and created my own BIOSPHERE. I think I understand. Thank you.

Shopping for Self

2009-10-11T11:25:00.004-04:00

Thank you all so, so much for all your comments and encouragements over my 'weighty' post! Everyone offered up so much encouragement, be it book titles, strategies, or simply just support, and I am so grateful. Those of you who said that you were 'no help' are dead wrong: even just concerned words of caring are really, really helpful, because as Josie and I start down this path of, god help me, Tweenage Discovery, I'm going to need all the support I can get! Most of our IRL friends' children are younger, and those who have kids the same age have boys, so we're kind of bobbing along on this river on our own.

AND, your comments are all just in time, too, because today Josie and I are going (cringe) clothes shopping. Those of you with eyes will have seen that girls' clothing has gotten pretty ~~slutty~~ clingy and stretchy over the past year or so. Do the people who design these clothes have daughters?! Or are they just ~~pedophiles~~ still adolescent boys, hoping to see an outline of something? Because that's certainly what a lot of these clothes look like. Not only are these clothes inappropriate, but they also serve to perpetuate the 'what should I look like' worries at an even earlier age. I find the shirts particularly puzzling, since most of them are about a yard long, and four inches wide until you stretch them out with whatever budding attributes these girls may have. Why do clothing designers want our young girls' bodies displayed so intimately in public?

I digress.

Because Josie is short, many jeans drag on the ground on her. I could cut them off, but most jeans have designs on the legs now, and cutting the legs means cutting close to or through an embellishment. Thankfully, many stores have started carrying 'plus sizes' (there's a fun term for girls to get used to at an eary age) in girls' departments, so shopping for my short, sturdy girl isn't as hard as it used to be. Shirts, however, are a problem, since there aren't lengths to choose from, which means they, and their necklines, plunge south. Gulp.

I have a feeling that in the dressing rooms today, with the lovely lighting and multi-angled mirrors that make even the best of us want to jump off of a bridge (or into a pint of B&J), the topic of body sizes and scales will come up. I'm going to try and let her do a lot of the talking, or at least bring out what it is that she's got floating around in her head (so I don't give her even more ideas), and then talk about how important it is that she *is* different. Besides perhaps being heavier than some of the other children, she is also smarter, more musically talented, and able to do a ton of pushups. None of her friends is exactly like one of the others, or even remotely physically the same as the other girls, and none are as good as she is at what she does. Not to mention, none of them has her killer eyes and dimples.

The most important thing, though, will be impressing upon her she cannot let others tell her who or what she is. We all have doubts and insecurities. Her biggest job is to define her own self, and her opinions are more important than anyone else's, even mine or DH's. Some people will pander to her, and others will try to pull her down, and she can choose to walk away from them, or carry them, unquestioning, with her always.

Weighty Issues

2009-10-08T21:37:00.003-04:00

I took the kids to the doctor, and it's just a nasty cold. Patrick also has a sinus infection, and they both are back on an inhaler until the horrible hacking cough goes away completely. Josie is a day behind Patrick, so she stayed home again today, but he went back to school this morning and was fine. The albuterol throws him for a loop emotionally, though; he's hyper, and very teary.

The sight of the two of them laying on the couch yesterday, sniffling, coughing and blowing just tore my heart. The poor things looked so pathetic!

We ran into a snag at the doctor's office, though. As usual, the kids had to hop on the scale before going into the exam room. Patrick got on and off, and Josie got on. She saw her weight, and said, 'Oh.' and got off. This had never happened before; always she would jump off exclaiming in delight at how big she was getting. Not this time. She went dead silent, and I could tell something was upsetting her.

We went into the office to wait, and I wanted to say *something* without being too leading, so I just said, 'Wow, Pea, you're finally as big as the dog!' She was quiet, and I asked her what was going on. She said, 'None of my friends weigh that much.'

Oh, no. Here we go.

You have all seen photos of Josie, and she's perfectly perfect for who she is. She will never be skinny, but she's certainly not obese either. I didn't know what to tell her about that, so I just replied, 'Oh. Is that bad?'

'It seems like a lot. Even my friends who are taller than me weigh less than that.'

To be honest, it had seemed like a lot to me, too, but not for the reason she was saying; the last time I remember her weight, it was 20lbs less. I think it may have been weighing heavy, because I think I would notice if she was suddenly 20lbs heavier. I decided that I would tell her to hop on the one at home if she mentioned it again, but she didn't, so I didn't either.

I don't want to make a big deal out of this and make her think about it more, if she's let it go for now, but I also don't want her to be wandering around with a nagging voice in her head that she's fat, either. I think the whole thing came up because her friends have been talking about how C, a girl in their circle, still needs a booster seat because she's so small (their whole family is tiny), so I think all the girls were talking about weight this past week.

Do I bring it up on my own to try and replace whatever negativity she may be feeling with something more positive, or ride it out and wait for another comment, hoping that nothing said is nothing thought?

Hack!

2009-10-07T09:25:00.001-04:00

The good news: my mother *isn't* coming this weekend!!!!!

The bad news: she's not coming because both kids are hacking and sweaty.

Patrick has had a fever for two days, and started really barking last night. Josie, who only had a headache yesterday afternoon, started coughing deeply last night, too. Sigh. It's 9:30am now, and Patrick is still asleep in my bed; I have a feeling he must not have slept much last night, because he never sleeps past 8 or so. We have an appointment at the doctor at 11:15, just in case it's bronchitis. Josie's had that before, but I made the mistake of not taking her in for awhile, because she didn't have a fever, and the doctor we had then shamed me so much (and then blamed her subsqeuent asthma on me) over it that now I'm utterly paranoid. No one has thrown up yet, thank goodness, but you never know. I feel not 100% myself, actually, but I think I have just allergies, because there's junk runnning down the back of my throat all the time (you're welcome!).

I spent the last two days in a K class, and am shocked at the things that children are making up now. When I was little, it was a huge lie to say that someone shoved you on the playground. Now there are kids making thing up like having a sibling in the hospital, or one sibling actually having killed another one! WTF?! What are these kids watching on TV that they are thinking this stuff up?? I find this absolutely *SHOCKING*, and really, really disturbing. The thing is, the kids whispering these things to me are quiet, sweet children, not ones who act up or misbehave. I asked other teachers about these stories, and was told that they have made up similar things before. !!!!?????!!!!!

I am also surprised at the number of special needs kids in schools now; not physically-differently-abled, but those with emotionally/psychologically/educationally special needs. I don't know if the number of children needing alternative/additional assistance has actually changed since I was in school, or if it's merely a reflection of the mainstreaming environment that schools have now. Maybe the number hasn't changed, and it's just that these children would have been in a special ed classroom full time twenty years ago.

Regardless, one of my favorite things is seeing the typical kids interact with the less-typical children. Whereas when I was a child I saw a lot of teasing and otherizing behavior, I only once seen any children picking on or being cruel to the special needs kids in their classrooms, and that was only last year, in Josie's 4th grade class, where the entire environment was toxic. In fact, what I have seen over the last few years is an incredible change from what I remember; the typical kids, at least in our kids' schools, have almost adopted the most severely challenged children. Never when I was a child would I have seen the typical children seeking out the challenged children on the playground at recess. I don't know if this is a reflection of the environment at our school in particular, or a wider sweep of the country's schools, but I *love* it, and it only makes me want to be there more.

I've started getting feedback about my substituting, and I'm so excited! One teacher told me to get ready, because people have been "raving", and I'm going to be getting a lot of calls! OMG! About ME?!?!?! When in life do you ever hear things like that??? Certainly when I was in an office, it was all about cutting people down so you could step on their heads on the way up your own ladder. It is such a relief to be in a place where being nice is actually considered a positive thing, and not a weakness. All along, I thought it was *me*, and it seems to be turning out that no, really, it *was* just the office environment and what it turns people into. HA!

Ow! My Thungue!

2009-10-02T19:17:00.003-04:00

OK, who gave me dairy?! Becauthe someone gave me dairy. I'm looking at you, new Tharbucks employee.

I know this becauthe I have a volcano-thized sore on my poor, poor thongue. It is thoe huge it hurth to even talk. It'th right in the middle of the top, tho it rubs if I eat. I have to really work to not let mythelf rub it along my lip all the time. I think if the athronauts looked out their window, they could thee it from the spathe station.

OW.

***************

Little Delilah dog has massive yeast infections in both ears. I noticed awhile ago that her ears were always dirty, but last week, they started seeming wet all the time, and they started to stink the other day. I mean, STINK. So, $90 later, we have a special ear wash to use every other day and ear drops I have to put in each ear twice a day for two weeks, and then once a day for another week.

**************

My mother is cursing us with her presence next weekend. More on that later.

**************

My bio exam I spent every spare minute studying for for two days ended up being open-book. That really pissed me off. Also, 50% were trick questions, so much so that I wrote a few sentences justifying several answers because more than one could have been correct depending on how you interpreted them (ie, how to things diffuse? a) from high concentration to low, evenly, or b) high to low, unevenly; the answer is BOTH, unevenly at first, and then ending up evenly). Pisser.

*************

Patrick and Josie both had friends over today after school. It was a half day, so Patrick's friend has been here seven hours now (Josie's friend had to leave at 6). This was longer than I had inteded for S to be here, but they get along well and he's sweet, so I don't mind. (His mom is the one who lets him call at 4 and 5 asking if he can come over at least twice a week.) While they were playing outside, another boy stopped by, and when I wasn't listening, apparently let off such a string of foul language that JOSIE told him he had to go home! Patrick and S came inside after that, and Patrick nonchalantly told me that this D had said, 'oh, the f word, the s word, the d word, and other ones, too'. I don't know which disturbs me more, that the boy said those things, or that all the other kids were so not-shocked. Holly firecracker carp.

Rockin' Our Bad Selves

2009-09-28T17:38:00.005-04:00

First thing's first, people - I got a....

wait for it....

wait for it....

NINETY SIX on my exam!!!!! Oh, yeah! The woman at the testing center actually *hugged* me! I did the end-zone dance all the way outta there. OK, only in my head, but STILL. Whee!

**************************
And now, this:

Patrick has been wearing these 3-D glasses ever since we went to see Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs on Saturday afternoon. He wore them to school today, even. He was wearing them when he came home. I have been singing Rocket Man ever since I took this photo. And now, I give the gift of unending mental music to you. You're welcome!

****************

After my exam, I went shopping for new bras. Next to bathing suits, bras are the worst thing to buy, EVER. I made the mistake of starting at Walmart, simply because I bought my last bunch 'o boulder holders there for $5 apiece a year ago (yes, they were crappy and are now dead, but for $25, I'm fine with that). Did you know that they now refuse to let you into the changing room without scanning you for shoplifting, even if you're obviously only holding a few hangers of bras? What did she think I was hiding in there, a toaster?! (well, on second thought, maybe I could have been, by ta-ta's *are* quite grand.) AND she reminded me TWICE to make sure I gave the stupid plastic number hanger back to her, so she could be sure I'd left. The changing room's a closet less than two feet from the desk she was slouched at. I had to walk by her to leave, and I really don't need a plastic number hanger at home, k'thx. That put me in a crappy mood right there, AND the bras were bad, so it was a total waste of a trip.

I finally broke down and went to Kohls, where I spent a small fortune on four push-up bras (so I don't trip on said ta-ta's). BUT, thanks to Josie, I saved a bunch of money on shoes, because we realized the other day that kid's size 5 is the same as adults' 6.5 - 7, so I bought a cute pair of sketchers mary janes for myself in the girls' dept and saved $20. HA!

I also bought a Hoover floor washer thing at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I hate mops, and Swiffers just don't deal with real cleaning (although they're good for general spills and doggie messes). I used it today, and I think I like it. At least it leaves the floors dry, which is nice considering I can never keep people/pets off the floors.

Day and Night

2009-09-27T12:58:00.004-04:00

Last week went really well. I substituted twice, both times for a half day, but they were day-and-night experiences.

Thursday was in the kids' school, in third grade, and it was pretty fun. I actually taught math and writing for the day, and the kids behaved themselves fairly well. No one had to flip their card (they have rainbow-colored cards to chart behavior), and I managed to deal with some crying over hurt feelings / catty behavior at recess without having any of them hate me or each other. I knew three kids in the class because they were siblings of my kids' friends, and I think the fact that one of them, a boy who is an obvious ringleader, has actually played at my house once, was really helpful. I already knew a lot of the staff, and felt comfortable hanging out in the teacher's lounge during lunch. At the end of the day, several people came over to me to ask how everything had gone, and to congratulate me on having a good day.

Friday, I arrived at another nearby school at 11:45 to take over for another sub in a fifth grade classroom. I could hear the children from down the hall as I exited the stairwell, and as I walked over, two of the children came flailing out of the room shouting, 'Are you our substitute?!' The morning substitue flew out the door like she was on fire with nary a word to me after telling one of the girls to 'fill me in'. The 'helpful' girl showed me a schedule written on a piece of paper, which I tried to read as the classroom swirled around me, literally - things were flying through the air, groups of kids were clustered around computer games yelling and cheering. All their shoes were off, and the whole place smelled like a locker-room. Getting the place under control was a struggle, and later that afternoon (after lunch, recess, and the science teacher had come and gone), I wanted to avoid a similar zoo during end-of-day free time, so I said that they had to stay in their seats while I read to them and called them in groups to use the computers. This led to the crowning moment of the day; being called stupid by The Big Class Handfill for sticking to my guns. During the day, none of the other teachers stopped by, no one asked if I needed help, even though the chaos of the morning had been plain for all to hear, and when I had gone into the lounge during lunch to get a snack and a water bottle, I got the feeling that everyone was just staring at me. None of the teachers made any effort to make me feel welcome at recess, and in fact turned their backs to me and talked amongst themselves like I wasn't even there. It was a little like being the dork in high school. Maybe they all thought that I had been there in the morning as well, and was failing abysmally, but that should have been an even greater motivation to say something to me. I'm not feeling so inclined to go to *that* school again, although at least now that I know what to expect from the staff there, if I do it won't be a surprise.

The kids walked home from school by themselves for the first time on Friday, because I wasn't sure I'd be there in time to pick them up, and it went so well that they're going to be walkers from now on. I was so proud of them; they had walked together, exactly as I had asked, and Josie was all ready with her key in her hand, just in case I wasn't here yet. I was so proud of them!

Tomorrow I won't be working, because I have to take my first big trig exam. After that, it's back into the trenches. Ohm.

Nervous!!!

2009-09-24T06:59:00.002-04:00

OMG, I just got my first substitute teaching assignment!!!!! I'm so nervous and excited, it's like I've had about fifteen cups of coffee. I'll be at Josie and Patrick's school, which is nice, because I'm at least familiar with it and know a lot of the people there, in a third grade classroom. In fact, I know the woman I'm subbing for, because she lives in my neighborhood. When the phone rang, I jumped out of bed like I was on fire, but was so nervous that I almost didn't take the job. Plus, I have an oral group project due tonight in bio, and my partner only got me the slides we're working from *last night* (I found material, she did about 10 slides with it, and I'm doing the 5-10min presentation), but I should have time to get together what I need to say this morning before I go, if I can calm down enough to think straight. It's my first offical day working in over seven years! Wish me luck, guys!!!!!!! *breathing in and out of paper bag*

Also, cross your fingers for my friend L, who is finding out today if the little girl she's been wanting to adopt will finally be released from foster care into the 'adoptable' arena. They've spent weekends, vacations and lots of other time together, and she loves this little girl so much. They really, really deserve each other.

So Far, So Good

2009-09-22T11:38:00.003-04:00

Things are going really well lately, but really, really fast. I feel like I barely have time to breathe anymore!

School update: both subjects are going pretty well. I got 100% on my last trig quiz, and only needed two tries to get it, which, for me, is amazing. Also, that means that I didn't have to freak out about it all weekend, and thus didn't have Math Dreams all weekend (ie, where I can't see the problems, or try to compute the compounded interest I would gain on dinner glasses, which doesn't even make sense). Bio is making me feel REALLY good - after four grades, I have over a 100% average. Hooray! We have a group project due this week in bio, which I did the research for, my partner is doing the slides for, and I'm presenting to the class on Thurs, plus I have a quiz AND an exam due on Monday in trig. The exam will be really telling, since we get one shot and I have to go to the testing center to do it.

My weird boy, doing the multiplication he wanted me to teach him the other day 'for fun'.

Subbing update: Funny story - when I went to get fingerprinted last week, I had to bring two forms of ID, so I brought my license and my birth certificate, which I had in the house because we did a refi on the house a few months ago (usually it's in the sd box). The woman, who was in her fifties, looked at it, and then at me, and informed me that she wasn't sure she could take that as ID, didn't I have my SS card on me? ??!!!??? No, because my ss card is on its last legs and wouldn't survive being in my wallet, plus I'm not sure where it is. Plus, hello, you have to have a birth certificate to get a ss card AND a driver's license! It's not like either one has a photo on it! I just looked at her, and she said she'd have to go and ask someone. A few minutes later she came back, slid it next to me while I filled out my paperwork, and said she was ready to do my fingerprinting, like she hadn't just practically pitched a ridiculous fit. Sheesh.

'Yeah, I'm in microwaveable rice blanket bag, so what, you wanna fight about it?'

Yesterday, I went to the substitue orientation, which was pretty full since they require returning subs to go to it as well. It was supposed to be 2hrs long, because we had to watch several gross videos on sexual harrassment and blood borne pathogens (both of which were uncomfortably graphic), and go through paperwork. We ended up going a half hour over, though, because these two old women insisted on sharing a personal experience for every. single. point. the board of ed person made. It was really annoying, and I can only imagine how annoying it is to have them be your teacher. Blecch. Anyway, I'll get my employee id this week, and should be able to start selecting jobs next week. Hooray!

This morning, I celebrated by going to breakfast with my good friend, Jessica, and her adorable baby boy. I could just squish him, he's that cute. Then, I went to Petsmart, and got the most beautiful bag, as well as another Indestructable Toy (seriously, we have a few of these now, and Gorilla has lated being Baci's favorite toy for several months now). I think Squid is my new favorite thing, though.

The squid may not be so smily after he realized he has been adopted by the dog equivalent of the tasmanian devil.

Pic-tacular

2009-09-15T11:19:00.004-04:00

I got my email to work after restarting my computer late last night. It must have been something with the firefox update, or the HP update, which was kind of a big one. Maybe my cookies were crumbled, or the scones were stale, or whatever.

Since I have two bio quizzes this week (one on lab stuff today and another on material on Thurs), plus a math class to watch today, today's post is going to be a pictacular.

Josie in the tunic I finished the day before trig started.

A horse asleep with his blankie.

Josie and one of her best friends making brownies on Saturday.

Patrick not doing homework.

(One other note on the homework thing - he was required to do homework last year, in K. ??? DH and I were talking about it, and it seems to me that the kids who actually need to do it are probably the ones who will now *not* be doing it. Patrick doesn't really need to, but will still be doing it every night Just Because. We have a new principal this year, so I'm wondering if the entire school's policy on homework has changd for the younger kids.)

Email Schmemail

2009-09-14T15:45:00.002-04:00

Do any of you have Yahoo mail? I haven't been able to get into my account for most of the day. Maybe it's something with my computer; I'll have to check it from my phone later.

Today has been a royal pain. We got locked out this morning on the way to school, and I had to break the glass in the back door to get in. Unfortunately, it wasn't nine small panes as I had thought, but rather one big one, and it shattered into a million little pieces, cutting up my hand. Sigh. And, just for fun, guess what? My keys were actually in the grass in the back yard the whole time. Good times!

I got an 87 on my math quiz! Hooray! I'm taking a day off from doing trig altogether to clear my brain a little.

The woman and her partner that I unfriended haven't noticed yet. We weren't friended for all that long, anyway, and she had upwards of 150 friends, so I'm not surprised. Her nasty snipes at and about people (some of whom I know) were too much for me, so I'm glad I did it. Since that went so well, I took off seven or eight other people whose pages were either stressing me out or who I haven't talked to in awhile. We'll see if anyone notices at all. :) I've been so stressed-out lately with school that just about everything other than everyday stuff is almost too much for me to think about.

Patrick's first grade teacher has decided to take a new tactic on homework; it's not required, and doesn't count in their grades, even if they don't do it at all. She wants it to be a fun thing they do with their parents, if they do it at all, and she provided some worksheets. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, it's nice, because he's little, and I think pressure can be too high sometimes. On the other, it seems a little weird, because if he has it, but gets used to not having to do it, I'm not sure that's a great idea for future habits.

*****
Later
*****

The phone is ringing off the hook today! I'm never going to get this post finished at this rate. Now it's almost time to start thinking about dinner. We have to eat so early these days because the kids or I have something to do most nights, and I don't like it. I feel like we're rushing all the time.

Still can't get into my email. Now I'm wondering, since DH at work has been able to get into his mail. I installed a firefox update today, so maybe it's me and not them - you know how updates always 'improve' things. When DH gets home, I'll check on his computer. Argh. I'm waiting for an email from my bio partner about a project we're working on, too. :(

Organically Disappointed

2009-09-13T21:55:00.002-04:00

I'm going to do a grocery roundup tomorrow, I think, if I can find my receipt from my shopping trip yesterday. It went pretty well, and I am love-loving the new self-scan-as-you-go thingamajig. At the moment, though, as I take a break from studying (because I took the first quiz today and got an 87.5, thank you very much! I might end up even higher, because two of my answers were technically right but the computer wanted them in a different form, so we'll see what the prof says) to talk about some things that I've bought that I really *wanted* to like, but didn't.

First of all, let me say I have really been trying to get behind all the eco-friendly products out there. I WANT to love all these products, I really, really do. BUT. They're just not doing it for me. Specifically, Seventh Gen dish detergent is a huge disappointment. I used it for a month, and it was just terrible. I don't know whether it wasn't coarse enough, or maybe it dissolved too quickly in its excitement to be all 'zero impact', but it was certainly having zero impact on my dirty dishes. It gummed up in the detergent holder bin, so half the time half of it was still stuck in there in a wad, a lot of dishes and silverware still had junk on them, baked on by the heat of the water and steam, AND things were coming out filmy, particularly the glasses. In order to get it to work at all, I had to run the machine on 'pots and pans' all the time, which is about twice as long a cycle as the others, PLUS make sure I put the dishes into the washer pre-wiped. It was a huge waste of water and essentially made me wash them before washing them. I hate to waste, but I had bought two boxes on a sale, and just threw out the last box only halfway used. It was that bad.

Also, while I'm at it, organic bathroom cleaners, especially tub stuff. I'm happy to use my Method spray on the countertops, but I can only get the tub grout clean with Tilex. I love the earth, but I don't want it growing between my tiles. Baking powder is fine for the sink, but I'm not scrubbing the tiles with it on a toothbrush.

Organic applesauce. Have you tried this stuff? WHY do companies think that organic applesauces have to equal bland?! Cinnamon can be organic, and so is brown sugar. Whenever I buy the organic applesauce, I have to dump it all out, add spices and brown sugar, and then pour it all back in. Why?

Scott Naturals products. The paper towel feels like tree bark. Also, I like that the toilet paper is partly recycled, and will break down quickly, but maybe it would be better if it didn't break down while I was still using it. There's a happy medium, people, and it's not while I'm still holding the stuff in my sad, and now unhappy, hand.

Dried pea pods as a snack food. I saw some at the store a few weeks ago, and thought, what a healthy, crunchy, and potentially tasty snack! Nope. Not even on a salad. They are to pea pods what Bacos are to bacon. It was like eating a pumice puff. Blecch. Even the dogs didn't want to eat them, and that's saying something.

Anything you've bought that the rest of us should avoid?

Seriously Scary Shedoobe

2009-09-10T20:42:00.002-04:00

I found out today that at 4:30am on Tues, there was a massive attempted home invasion on a duplex house catty-corner to mine, across the street and down about three doors. A guy was getting ready for work, and as he pulled out of the garage, which was behind the house (we all have alleys behind our houses where the garages lead to, and we drive down the alleys to the main roads), and out to the street, he saw several things: two guys in front of his house, two just down the street, and FIVE on his front porch. They had his window screen off and were getting ready to enter his home, where his wife and two young kids were still asleep. He swung around in the car and dashed back into the back of his house for his gun, and the men ran away.

My friend, who lives another three doors past them, lives in the other house the guys were standing in front of. She said she woke up because she heard noises, and looked outside to see the guys standing there and up the street, but she couldn't see the ones on the porch of the other house, since they're on the same side of the road. She said it was pretty obvious to her that they were lookouts for something.

Police came and went, but there has been no news coverage, nothing in the paper, nada.

This is not That Kind of Neighborhood. Like any neighborhood, you can tell based on how people look and how they act whether they actually live here; we're all pretty much middle-class people with nice houses and cars, and we're not usually outside past 9 or 10pm because we all have kids. People don't randomly wander the neighborhood; they are either going to or from somewhere, or watching kids. We have nice yards, and leave our windows and front doors open when it's nice outside.

There are a lot of questions here, like why did they pick a half-house to swarm rather than one of the larger, nicer homes surrounding it? For that matter, why this neighborhood over the swankier one a few streets over? Was it gang-related? We're a pretty small town - we don't have 'gang' activity to speak of. Was it a retaliation for some perceived wrong? Nine guys is a lot for a continued road rage problem. If it was personal, why did they run away when confronted with the owner? Did they know he was leaving, and that a woman would be inside asleep, or did they plan just to rob the place? That particular house is even right under a streetlight. Was it mistaken identity? If so, who were they *really* after? The owner said the guys looked to be in their late 20's-early 30's. WTF?

One of their kids is in 1st grade with Patrick. She must be scared shitless, if she even knows it happened. I can't imagine being them, the wife in particular. How can she EVER sleep again, knowing the last time she slept, a mob was coming in to her and her babies?

I am scared. The only reason I will sleep tonight, if I do, is because we have 150lbs of Dog to scare intruders away. I hate that, because emotionally, it's like sending two of my kids to scare away monsters. I'm here alone all day, from 5am on, and we are asleep after DH leaves, too. It could have been us. It could have been my friends a few doors down. It could have been anyone.

It could have been a lot worse. But I am still scared.

Still Catching Up

2009-09-09T22:23:00.002-04:00

Today I surfaced for air and met with the advisor for the grad program I want to attend. The excellent news: my Statistics for Managers class I took when my job was paying for grad school counts towards my math requirement, so this trig class will be my LAST MATH EVAH! Woohoo! The not-so-great news: I have to prove that I've either taken a writing class, or that I've written papers, or I'll have to take one before they'll let me in. Or, I can cough up a paper I've written, after years and years and many moves. Yeah, no.

Let me get this straight: I took two seminars *and* had to submit a research thesis for undergrad, AND I took SIX grad classes, and I *STILL* have to prove that I can write?!?! Are they SERIOUS?!

I actually did find one paper I wrote in undergrad, sandwiched into my filing cabinet, but it's only 6pp, and it's not a research paper, so I don't know if they'll count it. I sent the advisor an email to ask.

Also, my sociology major doesn't give me a pass on psychology, so I'll have to take that next semester, along with another science (and she said meteorology is fine, so at least it'll be interesting). At least it's not MATH!!!!!!!

In other news, I unfriended some people today on Facebook. It was very liberating. This one person has been annoying me for a long time, and I had actually made all the updates to their FB page hidden so I didn't have to read them. Today I decided that that was silly, and after making sure they weren't going to get a big message "YOU HAVE BEEN UNFRIENDED", I did the deed. Buh-bye. I wanted it to be quiet, because we have friends in common (both online and off), and I didn't want it to be a Big Deal. I doubt they'll even notice, to be honest, since I never post in reply to anything of theirs. I think I may do a few more! (Don't worry, I would never do that to You. I love all of YOU!)

I'm slowly starting to catch up on your blogs. :)